the lost 5 years of my life

chapter 5: the diary

Tw: suicide

I felt kind of scared to know more about myself. The more things I found out how I was in the past years, the more bad news it brought me.

I felt stuck though. Like I was caught in an invisible trap and I couldn't make a step forward. So trying to know what happened seemed to be the only solution.

I started going out, walking around in the neighbourhood. The cafes and shops were all new to me. I tried to remember which of them I might have frequented. But no one seemed to take notice of me too.

One day, I came back from my morning exploring, I noticed one of the windows from our apartment front side was shut with a wooden board. I asked my mother what happened to that.

She was looking at her phone lounging on the couch, she looked in the direction I pointed. And she looked like she didn't know what to say.

"Ahh, I forgot to fix it, don't worry, I will call maintenance"

"Cool, but what happened? It was as if someone threw a stone at it", I joked while sipping water from the cup.

"Well, yeah, you threw a glass at it"

"I what -?"

I couldn't tell if she was joking or not.
But she didn't look like she joked. In fact, she was sad. She sighed visibly and said,

"Well, we had an argument, you got really angry, I guess"

"You guess? Mom. Why.. why would I get so aggressive? What happened?"

I was not an angry person. I was called a bubbly and usually soft speaking person. What might have affected me so that I became physically aggressive?

"It was one of the outbursts, it's not a big deal" my mother tried to sweep it under the rug.

One of the outbursts? So I did something like that more than once??
Was I not only unhappy but an aggressive person in the past years?

"Mother, was I a bad person?", I asked sitting in the chair at the eye level with my mother.

"No, Sweetie. You were not a bad person, you had a bit too much emotion"

I wasn't satisfied with the explanation. I was an amateur artist, I was emotional of course, but I didn't believe I was a lousy person.

Defeated, I stayed at home that evening and the following day.
I tried to get into my accounts but to no avail. I felt really disappointed at failing to guess at my own thoughts and feelings let alone passwords.

Moving the mouse to and fro aimlessly across the laptop screen, I remembered I used to write down my passwords in the diary before.

I had to find it.

I searched the whole room, and I emptied the bookshelves in the room. I was not a secretive type, I usually place my diary out in the open, my mother was not the type to pry.

As a last attempt, I searched under my mattress. There it was, my diary. It was an unfamiliar one, of course.

I turned the pages eagerly. I found the passwords written on the first page. I felt so satisfied I at least had that habit as a consistent thing. Not a very safe method but now my ignorance was to my own benefit.

Smiling, I sat down on the bed. I wanted to read the pages too.

Finally it was myself that was gonna give me all the answers.

It was myself to put an end to the mystery.

It started somewhere in 2023. (I made a mental note to find the earlier ones later)

June3rd 2023

I didn't go to K yesterday.

It was just so difficult.

I wanted it to work out. I swear. Then why couldn't I go?

K seems to care, but does he? After all, he is also a man.
He told me to sleep early, and take a walk outside 3 times a week.
So easy for him to get out of home, I guess. And sleep early?

I took the white flower last night but I couldn't fall asleep. When would I escape from this sleepless world?
I feel sorry, and even guilty for not going to him and not even called to cancel.

As you would guess, I was puzzled at those sentences.

Who was K? Did I have a date that I stood up?
What is the white flower? Was I abusing drugs?

June 20th 2023

I think I got intrigued. I couldn't deny it. Z was there today at K.
He talked to me as friendly as before.

I don't think he actually cares though. Who would care? A girl like me.
If he's smart, he would run away. But he's also there. What is his problem?

Today Bobby told me I should probably wash my face when they dropped by. As if it is a choice.
I bet he thinks I am slowly killing my mother. Well, it might be the opposite in fact.
I wonder how he could simply have a child? Why does everything come easy for him?

July 5th 2023

Yesterday, bad things happened.
The phone rang and I wondered if it was dad. How stupid. I mean, enough already.

It is an endless nightmare.
It was stupid of me to hope the medication would actually work this time.

Talking therapy was useless. They keep asking me what caused it. If I knew, would I still end up as a patient?
As if I am not damaged enough to actually be symptomatic. Was it my fault? Was it my fault that I didn't have a bad childhood?

So yesterday, I had an outburst at K.
He may drop me now. Like everyone else.
Like Helen. I haven't returned her call last month. How could I? When shes still working there?
Why bad things only happened to me?

I wish I could fly and escape from this life.

If I stepped on the balcony, and stretched my hands..