the lost 5 years of my life

chapter 9: the touch

My memories haven't returned. But currently I didn't think it was much of a problem.

I was hanging out with Zayn. It had been a couple of weeks.

He told me it was exactly like that before. We met at the doctor's office. It was an instant sparks flying thing. And he wanted to know if it could happen again. Also he didn't want to come up and introduce himself like, "hello, you may not remember me, but we were sort of dating". To which I replied, "smart guy"

He showed me the photos we took before.

It was like one of those movies, where the girl forgot her past just to fall in love with the guy before.
In the photos, I looked happy. I started to believe the Doctor's words that I was doing so much better, well, right before my ultimate unlucky fall.

I still couldn't make up the reason behind it. But as doctor had suggested, I chose not to think too much about it. What mattered was now.

We apparently went to the riverbank, ate a lot of junk food, visited the theme park, sang karaoke.

We were sitting on a bench in the park, one evening. I felt aching sadness in my chest while looking at the photos from his phone. Even though I understand why I looked happy in the photos, I didn't remember any of them.

Zayn looked at me and noticed how I felt, "don't worry baby, we can go there again"

"But it wont be the first time for you"

"Doesn't mean I wont enjoy it", he said gently stroking my hair on the back of my head.

"How was I? You know, before?"

"You are pretty much the same, you are honest, open, ready to laugh and so excited to see me, just like now", he said half teasing.

"Which one do you like better?", I asked, looking up to his face.

"For me, you are the same, there are not two people", he smiled."well, you look more light hearted now, if I have to comment"

"Now? I am the confused one"

"Yeah, you were something .. well, how do I say? We were happy, we always felt good together, but it was like there were something inside you. Like some secrets or some darkness"

My heart felt heavy. Do I still have any secrets to dig into?

I didn't want to think about it. So I changed the subject,
"Any place we liked to go and haven't?"

"Ah yes, you always wanted to go to this swimming pool, from that hotel, you know, at the riverside"

"Oh, wait. Is it "river view"?"

"Yes that one"

I remembered it. Because I always wanted to go there since I learned how to swim. The river view hotel had a big swimming pool with a great view, and the bar next to it seemed really cool.

"Let's go there, then, it will be the first time for both of us"

"Okay I will book the room, and let's see. how about this Sunday. I will finish my project on Saturday. So I will be free Sunday for the whole day"

"Good idea"

Then Sunday came.
And we went to the pool.

I swan like a fish, at least in my head.

We had a bit to drink before going into the pool. And it got us extra energized.

When the sun hit his upper body, I tried not to stare. The way his wet hair cling to his face was like a perfect picture. I mentally noted to draw his portrait later.

After swimming and playing around like kids for more than an hour, we were exhausted. And also pretty much hungry. He went to the reception and ordered some food for us.

"Let's get ourselves dry, the food will be delivered to our room"

In the elevator, it started to hit me. We were gonna be in a room, alone, for the first time.

I didn't know if we had done it before. I didn't know how to ask. I felt the blood on my face and I could barely talk, my throat seemed to have dried up.

Nervous, and pretending not to be nervous, I busied myself in the room. I went straight to the bathroom and took a shower. The cold water somewhat cooled down the heat on my skin.

When I left the bathroom, a bath towel wrapped around my body, the food was already there. And he was ready to hit the shower. He had the towel wrapped around his waist, upper body naked.

I was nervous again. I didn't know what to do. The worst thing was I didnt know it was our first time or just for me. I was so confused. And it somehow mattered very much to me.

He opened a beer can and sat on the bed, turned on television. He was so relaxed without a care in the world. He took out another can and handed it to me.

I sat rigidly beside him chugging cold beer.

Paramore's "only exception" was on.

"Oh, its the band you like", he said.

"Yeah, have I told you about it?"

"Yep, plus you had their poster in your room", he said, running his hand through his wet hair. The water drops scattered.

"Oh, have you been in my room?"

"Sure, a couple times"

At that time, my doubts were mostly confirmed. I gulped silently.

I scratched my nails, with head down, I asked,
"So does it mean, we have - you know"

He laughed lightly. He put his hand on the bed, turning towards me. I gathered my strength and faced his look.

"Oh no, we wanted to wait, kind of", he chuckled a little and added, "I mean, you wanted to"

I blushed. Our faces were so close, I could even count the freckles on his nose.

I didn't know why I wanted to wait. But I knew I didn't want to now. I put my hand on his face and trimmed his jaw line. He leaned in.

"You are the only exception"

He would be. He must be. Our lips locked searching for the things we lost in each other. He put his hands around me, started to loosen the towel around my chest.

then suddenly, I felt shocked. My whole body tensed up.

Suddenly all the dizzy tipsy feelings went away. And I was so scared. I didn't know what I was scared of. But I flinched and pulled my body far away.
I couldn't help trembling. I was fighting to breathe.

At the moment, it was as if I remembered something. Something very unpleasant. Something that had put me in a very uncomfortable and vulnerable position. But I couldn't make out who or what or when that happened.

Once I could control my breathing, I looked up my eyes to him.

He was looking down, looking unbelievably calm.

"I am sorry, I don't know what happened, Zayn"

"It's okay Mary, you don't have to say sorry. I don't mind"

His voice didn't have any resentment. He looked at me with kindness,
"We don't have to do anything. We can just chill, we have food"

When he said that, his voice was gentle and friendly. I thanked him very much. I was confused and embarrassed.

He gave me a smile and walked to the bathroom.
When I heard the water running, I quickly put on clothes and started blow drying my hair.

What was that? It was not like I have never done it before. As long as I remembered, I was never repulsed by physical intimacy. And it was not like he forced me or anything. I wanted it.

With a heavy heart, I started to accept that I was not a complete person yet.

Something was still missing. And there had to be something in the past, that gave me such a traumatic flashback.

Was that about Zayn?