Watching the Spring Falls (Spring Series #3)

chap. 09

chap. 09

Where do I even start after losing someone? 

After settling everything, my father's family decided to have the funeral to be at their home. Hindi na kami nakipagtalo dahil gusto na lang namin na tahimik mairaos ang burol at libing ni Papa. That's the last thing we can do for him. To send him there with a peaceful mind. 

As soon as we entered our house, the silence welcomed us. Nakapatay ang mga ilaw at wala ni isang tao na naiwan dito para magbantay. They were all asked by Tita Rachelle to help in the preparation of the funeral. 

Hindi ko na inaasahan na mag-uusap kami ni Kuya ngayon kaya dumiretso na ako paakyat sa kwarto ko. Kalaunan ay ganun din naman ang ginawa niya. 

We never spoke the entire time. While we were inside the taxi, we never tried to talk about what happened. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba iyon sa pareho kaming hindi pa tanggap ang nangyayari. O baka dahil pareho kaming takot na ipakita ang sakit na nararamdaman namin sa isa't isa. 

I couldn't afford to see my brother break in front of me. Hindi ko iyon kakayanin. And maybe that's what he's thinking too. 

Nang humakbang ako papasok sa kwarto ay agad akong naramdaman ang panghihina dahilan kung bakit ako napaluhod. Tiredness is slowly affecting me. What happened in the hospital has now dawned into me. I let my face fall into my arms that are on the floor. 

My father is dead. How did that happen? How did my world turn upside down within hours?

Tears pooled in my eyes. Ang bigat masyado ng nararamdaman ko. I want to shout. I want to be mad. I want to just throw everything away that I can get a hold of. But doing all of these will not make my situation better. All of these will not be enough to make me feel okay. 

I'm pouring my heart out on the floor. Hindi ko na kaya. Hindi ko na alam ang mga dapat kong gawin. Hindi ko na maintindihan ang lahat ng nangyayari. 

Para akong binigyan ng bagong buhay para sa huli bawiin lang iyon. Sa mas masakit na pamamaraan.

I was able to handle my real parents' death because I was too young to even realize what I lost. But now... 

Fate must have hated me a lot. It wants me to remember the pain. It wants me to remind myself of where I can only stand on this Earth. That I can be happy, but not too happy. All because I don't deserve it. 

I cried harder for that fact. When do I ever deserve anything or anyone? When can I ever deserve them? Am I too stupid to actually think that I can be normal? That I can just forget where I came from just because I was given a new one? 

In the middle of it all, I smiled bitterly. Isn't this enough for you to say that you never deserve anything but pain, Chaya? 

Masyado kang naging masaya. Hindi naman para sa'yo ang lahat ng 'yan. Alalahanin mo kung saan ka nanggaling.