Pandemonium | Hyunjin

Life isn't fair

Lily should be here and get to experience this. 

The flashing lights, the roar of the crowd, the sense of fascination, and the illusion of secret sorcery. From the way the magician disappeared from the center of the ring and reappeared in the middle of the crowd. The trumpeting of elephants dressed in a royal magenta. Pieces of fabric hid their hides and the tops of their heads. 

Minho lit up the crowd with fireballs. As if it wasn't impressive enough, he began to dance with two balls of fire. They were each attached to the end of a rope and he swung them around as if they were weightless. The fear of catching on fire was non-existent. 

A man came out with a glistened black sequined suit with a large lion prowling behind him. Kids gasped, someone shrieked, but the lion paid no mind. Instead, it saunted after its master with fierce eyes. Jumping through fire-filled hoops wasn't enough, according to the guy.  

Carmen thought she was going to be sick when it opened its mouth. Sharp teeth gleamed behind white lights. A drum thrummed with anticipation, the crowd held its breath, and the man stuck his head between fierce jaws. One wrong move and an eye would be punctured and the force would pulverize a skull. 

"Let's make some noise!" 

The ringmaster's cheer caused the crowd to lose it. The man pulled his head from the lion and dipped down into a bow. Her head spun, her stomach lurched, and the stripes of the tent didn't help. She barely knew what was happening as she shoved herself to her feet and rushed towards the entrance. 

When one of the staff members questioned her on the way out, all she could do was mumble something about using the restroom. Taking off in the opposite direction, she didn't know where she was going. All she knew was that she didn't want to be here anymore. 

Hyunjin's dedication to slip her in was generous, it was incredibly kind, but how could she do this? She didn't want to enjoy the circus without Lily. The constant reminder of not knowing was overbearing. The thought pressed on the back of her shoulders and it crushed her. 

"Are you okay?" 

The deep voice behind her caused her to jerk backwards. She blinked and sucked in a deep breath. Worried hickory eyes stared back at her. A sheer sparkling white shirt was tucked into fiery red pants. A similar shade painted small stars on his face and they sat amongst faint freckles. She could just barely nod her head in response. 

"I saw you rush out of the circus tent. Do you need anything? We have a medical tent with a few staff members. If you need a first aid kit or-" 

"No!" She shook her head, "it's not like that. I'm okay, I just needed a moment. The lights were too bright and I suddenly felt unwell." 

She didn't know the guy, but she knew that he was a performer. The face paint and the sparkling outfit, normal people didn't wear those kinds of things to the circus, especially, not at this temperature. The man's arms were bare and the fabric looked too thin to be warm. 

He didn't look like he was freezing cold. His body wasn't shaking and his teeth weren't rattling. If anything, he acted like this was a normal sunny day in the middle of July. As if the skies weren't darkening, a snow storm wasn't brewing in the background, and everything was entirely normal.

"If you're sure..." The uncertainty in his voice pulled at her again. She nodded and forced a fake smile. He saw it, but it was easy to tell that there was darkness swirling within. She was fighting her own inner demons and whatever distraction the circus was trying to provide, it wasn't doing its job properly. 

The man's mouth opened and then it fell. Behind Carmen, a missing flyer sat pinned to a cork board. It was piled on top of a multitude of coloring pages. Younger fans had sent in letters and colored pictures for everyone to enjoy, but the heavy reminder of a missing person punctured the balloon of happiness instantly. 

Someone's child was missing. A sister. A family member. A friend. Somewhere, at some unknown elementary school, a kid was sitting beside an empty seat. Scribbling chicken scratch on paper, math facts were being completed, but out of the corner of their eye, they kept glancing at that empty desk. 

What happens to missing children? Where do they really go? Who would do such a thing? Why would a child run away unless things were really bad? Is it a family member? A friend? A stranger who was so captivated that something dark took over? 

"Carmen," the man suddenly whispered. 

"What?" 

His voice expanded back to full volume. "You're her, you're Carmen, your sister is the missing girl." 

It was like it all finally came crashing down. The weight of this burden was too much to carry alone. Every day was another day watching the light trail further and further from her father. She hadn't spoken to her mother in over a week. She was too afraid to see her and too afraid to try and talk to her. 

Her mother smelled like raspberries. She tried so hard to get her mom to throw away the old bottle that her father gave her. She misplaced it and recently discovered it in the back of her closet. A large bottle of raspberry hand lotion that was three years expired. 

The nourishing oils wouldn't have the same effect. The scent wasn't as strong anymore. It wasn't even sealed because she used it once three years ago. The bottle of white lotion had faded to a stale yellow. 

What if she never bickered with her mom about it again? What if she never got the chance to talk to her about anything? What if her mom never spoke another word? What if it was all for nothing? What if they were supposed to be preparing for a funeral rather than a welcome home party? 

What truly happened to Lily Holbrook? She was taken and deep down, Carmen knew that. Everyone knew that. Lily was with her best friend when she was taken. Her friend's mom was right across the street. She trusted the small town, she figured they'd be safe, so she let them go across to the candy store. 

Lily's friend went in and Lily promised she'd be behind her, but she never showed up. Something must have caught her attention.The mother wasn't watching and cars weren't around. Lily was there one moment and gone the next. Was she coaxed around the corner? Did a nearby business open up their door and drag her inside? 

Why didn't she scream? Why didn't she yell? She knew how strangers worked. Carmen and her parents had drilled this into her since she could talk. Stranger danger. Stranger danger. Stranger danger. 

A town full of friends became a hell full of uncertainty. People couldn't be trusted and weariness poured into paranoia. Carmen couldn't trust anyone anymore. She couldn't trust people and yet she let herself be led to the circus. She followed a stranger into an alley. She let him lead her into the circus tent. 

"Oh, please don't cry. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry." The guy stepped forward and leaned up to wipe away her tears. A stranger's kindness for Carmen, a stranger's darkness for Lily; none of it was right; she was just a kid. 

Her mind went blank and her breath caught in her throat. One moment, she was standing on sturdy legs and the next, she was collapsing to the ground. A sob broke through her lips and as much as she wanted it to stop, she couldn't. 

"Oh no. Oh no. Oh no." The man's whispers caused her to cry harder. "Please don't cry, I'm sorry. I don't want you to cry, you're going to make me cry. Come on, let's get you away from here." 

She didn't fight the arms around her exhausted body. She didn't care that an arm swung beneath her legs. She was hoisted up with a grunt and her eyes drooped. She didn't know this stranger and she didn't care anymore. Maybe he'd take her somewhere and put her out of her misery. 

At least, she might be able to see Lily again that way.