Pandemonium | Hyunjin

To be grown is to be brave

The coffee shop was too crowded. Everyone was seeking a similar warmth from December's chill. The scent of coffee beans and fresh pastries lingered in the air. Murmurs collided and bodies were too close together. 

Carmen's arms sat wrapped around her torso. Wrapped tight in a wool scarf and a thick winter coat lined with fur, she prepped for standing outside in the cold for hours. She didn't expect to have her plans intercepted. She stood back in the corner and watched the man disappear through the crowd to the counter. 

She glanced down at the flyers again. Her sister's scrunched face stared back at her. It felt like she was being mocked, in a way. She'd do anything to hear her sister's high pitched voice again. The shrill squeal before she burst into stomach clenching laughter. 

It all felt wrong. The coffee shop was so alive. Off to the side, a couple was laughing about something. Strewn across a wooden table in the middle, two girls had notebooks and textbooks scattered. One was hunched over her laptop and the other was burning holes into a notebook while nibbling on the eraser in her mouth. 

Baristas were as busy as bees; pulling espressos, calling out order names, steaming milk, and handing off drinks quickly, Carmen couldn't imagine it. The line kept piling up. When one drink was handed off, another person joined the queue. 

She shut her eyes and pulled the flyers to her chest, wishing they were Lily instead. Lily with her missing tooth and the slightly skewed nose. She broke it when she rushed down a set of stairs and tumbled down headfirst. Carmen could still hear the scream from her mother as she rushed towards Lily. Crimson leaked from her nose, soaked the collar of her t-shirt, and when Lily pawed at her nose, it stained her fingers. 

Carmen appeared from the living room to see what happened. Freshly eighteen, she felt that she had a heightened sense of responsibility in the world. However, it dissolved when she saw the blood. Her vision tunneled and nausea began to overtake her. Her father ended up being the one to call emergency services. 

Lily Holbrook's nose was reset by doctors, but it was never the same again. The slight curve wasn't exactly noticeable at first glance. Carmen was always afraid that her younger sister would develop an insecurity about it, but Lily never cared much. After it healed, it was like the entire thing never happened. 

"I think you could use this." 

When Carmen's eyes reopened, she came face-to-face with the same man again. Glancing down, he outstretched a to-go cup in her direction. She knew it was fine, but she still hesitated. "It's not like I poisoned it, you know? If you drink this and die, blame the baristas, not me." 

Her eyes widened and he laughed. "I'm just kidding! Don't take me so seriously. I watched them make it with my own eyes and I promise that they didn't lace it with anything. It's just hot water and one of those premade packets full of hot cocoa mix." 

Her fingers finally wrapped around the cup. She tugged it back against her body and sucked in a deep breath. "Thank you. I'm sorry for being so serious, I just-" 

"It's alright, I understand. I'm sure if I was in your situation, I'd be the exact same way. It must be hard to deal with something like this. I can't imagine how you feel right now." 

Her eyes found the floor and she began to blink rapidly. The tears were coming back again. It was so hard to wrap her head around, she couldn't understand how it all went wrong. A week ago, Lily and her were in this exact same cafe. She bought the two of them frappuccinos and Lily drank hers way too fast. 

 So desperate for the sugared drink, she popped off the lid and left the straw still wrapped. She chugged and, by the time she pulled away, white foamy whipped cream sat on her upper lip. She gasped for breath and all Carmen could do was laugh. 

"You got a little-" 

It was cut off by Lily wiping her arm across her face. Whipped cream went from being smeared on her face to being smeared across her arm. Carmen had to ask the barista for napkins and when she came back to the table, Lily's head was in her hands. She groaned and complained of a sudden headache. 

Back then, it all seemed so silly. Lily had learned the valuable lesson of going easy on cold drinks the hard way. The two sat and chatted for nearly an hour. Carmen had been away at college for quite a while. The two talked over the phone, but it was better in person. They sipped their drinks and didn't leave until their cups were only left with smears of caramel and remnants of whipped cream. 

The man's face softened as he studied Carmen's face. "Would you like to go somewhere a bit more private? This place is a little loud." 

"Please." 

He could barely hear her, but his gloved hand reached for hers. To his surprise, she took it easily and without hesitation. The flyers were pinned to her chest via her arm. Her other hand clutched the cup of hot chocolate. 

Their fingers intertwined and she let him lead her from the bright coffee shop back into the dreary cold evening.