𝐌𝐈𝐙𝐏𝐀𝐇 - TMR, Minho

𝟢𝟦𝟨，𝐨𝐮𝐜𝐡

I count the steps. One, two, three—I forget the rest. Minho's probably asleep. Or maybe not. His breathing was quiet, wasn't it? But I'm not thinking about that now. Not Minho. Nick. Nick's hut. Newt said Nick will understand. I hope he won't.

Three knocks. The wood is cold, and I think about the door. The door. Did I lock the door? The door is... no, not this door. The other one. My door. Did I lock it? I don't remember. I should check. Maybe it's wide open. Maybe—

The door creaks, and there's Nick, hair sticking out in all directions, like the shadows are pulling at him. Is he real? He rubs his eyes. Says something, "Lemme get my glasses."

He's putting them on. I watch. The candle in his hut flickers. I hold my breath.

"Hi." The word falls out, barely a whisper. Did I say it? It doesn't feel like it came from me.

Nick blinks. Takes his glasses off. Cleans them. Puts them back on. Off again.

"Zee?" His voice is high.

Biting my lip, I nod.

Then he's moving toward me and I jerk back. My body tenses. My breath catches in my throat. I brace for it, the hurt, the pain— but he hugs me.

Arms around me, tight, warm. My arms are stiff, hanging at my sides. What am I supposed to do?

I hug back. Slowly. Like if I do it too fast, he'll disappear. His head presses into my shoulder, cold against my skin.

"I'm so sorry." He doesn't let go. "I regretted the choice the second it was made. I don't know why I suggested it. I never thought they'd go along. I was planning to stop it— I really was. But then you were gone and- and I just— I was too late. I'm so sorry. You're my best friend—"

"It's okay." I hold him closer. "It's okay. You were right. I don't belong here anymore."

He lets go of me. "What do you mean?"

"You need to banish me. Tomorrow."

"What?" Nick stammers. He nearly takes a step back. "No. I don't want to lose you again."

"You've lost me already. I'm not sane."

"Zee, the fact you're aware of the fact you're not sane proves that it can be fixed." He presses a hand to my back, leading me inside his hut. Onto his bed. "Sit down. Wait no, we need to get Fry. We'll get you a cup of tea and some food. And we need to get Newt. Newt can help. Gally, Ben, and Jeff should also know—"

"I don't want help," I protest. He's moving around so much, it makes me dizzy. Makes the walls shake, too. Their laughs shake along. The buzzing in my head shakes. Nick steps closer again, a loud sound in my head. And the walls, shakily laughing. And the buzzing. It's so loud. "You need to let them banish me. I'll go voluntarily."

He shakes his head. "No."

The buzzing in my head gets louder, swirling around like a hive of angry insects. I can't hear anything else, not even the quiet of the night. I dig my nails into my palms.

"You need to let them banish me," I whisper again. "I'll go voluntarily."

"No," he repeats.

Why can't he understand? My chest tightens. I blink hard, but the world tilts and shifts anyway, Nick's voice bouncing off the walls— no, the walls are repeating it.

"I'm not... I'm not right. I can't stay."

His hand is on my back again. But it doesn't work as any comfort. Not with everything buzzing and shaking and laughing in the corners of the room. I close my eyes, hoping they'll stop. Hoping everything will just stop.

"Zee, you're wrong." His voice is firmer now. Loud. Painful. I open my eyes. He's kneeling in front of me. He looks so serious. "It can be fixed," he says again. "The fact that you know something's wrong—that means there's still a chance. You're still here, Zora."

"I just want it to stop."

"I know," Nick whispers. His hand squeezes mine, warm and steady. "But we're not giving up."

The walls are still laughing at me. Because they won't listen to me. Why won't they help? I'll be better off if it stops.

"Please," I beg. "Tomorrow, when the doors close, I'll just do it. The others don't have to know. They already think I'm gone. I'll- I'll write letters. To Ben and to Fry and to Gally. To Newt. I'll give you one if you want."

"If you have letters to write, you have reasons to stay."

"Nick, I just want to go. I want—"

"No. Look at Newt. Newt's happy now. You can be happy, too. We all want to help you. Don't give up just yet."

"It's been months. I'm sick of it. Of myself. Of being locked up here. Of everything." I bury my head in my hands. "I don't want to anymore."

"Please. We'll talk to Newt, he—"

I shake my head. I try to shake the buzzing off. The laughing walls. Nick's words. "Don't put all that pressure on Newt every time someone else 'relates' to him."

He pulls me up. "We'll get you some tea and sleeping pills to calm down. Come on." With his sleeve, he removes tears I hadn't noticed off my cheeks, then takes me to the kitchen.

Tea and some sleeping pills won't fix anything. A simple night of sleep to really think it through won't help. But no matter what I tell Nick, he refuses to listen, so I seal my mouth shut.