RETROUVAILLE

S1 C13: A break, or a start?

"Are you crying?"

Mahsa blinks and the wetness from her eyes drops to her palms. She stares at it dumbly, like something was gonna sprout from the water. She hadn't even noticed that she was crying until Vesper pointed it out, she switched her gaze to the said boy, concern laced on his face. Feeling bad for making him worry, she laughs, but it comes out bitter.

"I-I'm not. I mean- actually, yeah I'm not." Vesper gives her an unimpressed look. "Okay, yeah, I am. But, I don't know why I'm crying, I didn't even realize I was until you pointed it out. We were just eating lunch then I realized that I have stupid honey chicken and I realized that this is what she, Reia-" her throat hitches, Vesper understands. "Used to cook for me, and I'm slowly forgetting how it tastes like and-" she hiccups, full on bawling because of her rants, Vesper silently pushes her water bottle closer to her, and Mahsa could take a hint. She takes a sip, her friend rubbing her back while she's at it.

It has been a week since the two became friends once again, and that also means that today was the final day before winter break. Mahsa and Vesper have been left together the past days, Soleil occasionally drops by expectedly but most of the time she's either busy with student council, theater, or with Nevis for some reason. Neither of them really minded, though. Soleil had other friends, and that was alright, but why couldn't Nevis just hang out with them, together?

Vesper's stomach odly coils at the thought of Nevis with someone else, but even more so at the thought of Soleil in that place. It doesn't matter, they'll be out of school today and won't be coming back until early January.

It doesn't make the thought less painful, though.

"Vesper, I know I act like I hate her and that I'll never admit it to her but, I really don't. I don't know why I acted so mean I just- the words spilled out of my mouth that night and I swear I didn't mean them-" She looks at him desperately, she doesn't think she's making any sense right now based on the look on Vesper's face, and she gets even more frustrated because of that. Frustrated with herself or him, she doesn't know. She just wants to be convenient.

The fact that she was crying in front of one of her friends, let alone the one she acts the most childish around, was embarrassing enough. She knew how to talk to people, match their energy, Vesper has literally called her a blabbermouth, so why couldn't she put her annoyingness from that to use right now? He probably couldn't care less, he's definitely thinking about how awkward this is for the both of them and that he should've never got in touch with her and that he should've stayed in no contact with an annoying imbecile who talked too much but also doesn't know how to talk when it's about her and-

Oh yeah, she still had to talk.

"Please, believe me." She wipes the tears from her eyes, but there's no point because they keep coming out and she still looks at him with that desperation in her eyes. She's shaking to add, like genuinely shaking and her breathing is irregular. Vesper sort of doesn't know what to do in this situation and at the same time does but he knows what this is.

Panic attack. The voice in his head immediately says. He has been there and done that before, he feels like he should know what to do and it's kinda illegal that he doesn't.

He's (kinda) useless, if he could word it.

But now is not the time to blame himself, he had plenty of time to do that later. And he always finds a way to blame himself for anything naturally. What Mahsa needed was someone to listen to her, but also add some words to make it seem like she wasn't a bother for doing this. That's one of the things that you don't want someone who's going through an episode feel like. Mahsa couldn't say the proper words to explain herself right now, but he shouldn't be the one panicking because of that.