I wrote this in response to being misgender after having Chest Masculinization Surgery and feeling the effects of Post Op Depression.
Sick
Coldness grows in my bones
Pin and needles growing rapidly
The warmth of my cheeks suddenly cooled by a rush of tears
Choking back the lump in my throat, the sickly fiery burn of acid soon after
Holding back a scream, a yell, a broken plea
So soon after Surgery, the surgery that is saving my life, the pain, stress, anxiety. Complications. All of them.
How doesn't that show you, I am your son, Your Son, Your child.
The flesh and blood of yours. You say you are a person of God, Of Christ yet you have damned your child since commencement. How should I react to the news, that I am truly a bastard. Whether the reason of raped or of affair, I do not know.
Oh how I wish I could ask the question that has plagued my mind for years.
Truly knowing that the abuse I have stuffer isn't my fault, the current abuse isn't my fault. It's your pure ignorance.
Oh my sweet guardian above
Your love that you had showed me those short 11 years has warmed my darkened heart time and time again.
Oh dear sister apart from me I'm glad you are no longer here as well sad that you do breathe the same air as me. You are no longer in pain, You no longer have seizures, the battles of your mental health. You are free of that. You are free of our ' father's' abuse.
I was never a daughter
I was never a son
I've been damned since birth. A damnation where no love or a higher power should care about a soul.
Sisterly love, Sibling love saw past all difference, only saw the baby, the child the young person as they are.
Sister, you have love me as your baby, as your sister and I know as your brother.
Oh how, whether I am damned by bastard blood, or that I am a Man in a feminine body. I am male. I am a father. I am a Son. I am a Brother. I am an Uncle. I am Aidoneus Anthony Masen. I am Adrian.
How after so many years, Asking relentlessly for you to respect My Decision, My Wishes on me being your son. How do you raise a daughter and love them as a son yet hate that same child when they do realize they are truly your son.
You say you are a smart person. You understand medically, mentally and emotionally what your abuse does. What your misgendering does to me. It shows how callus you are. How resentful must you be? I have felt the damnation of your words since youth. I heard the same damning words for being a bastard, For being a Daughter, For being a Son every time you use ' her' She Your Daughter Your Sarah.
Your words poison my blood.
Acid fills my mouth
Voice grow louder
Do you realize that your actions, your words push me towards death.
Do you hear my warnings
Is it simply you wish me dead
Gone
Is it simply you see yourself being freed of such sin, you would push someone to suicide even your own blood?
