Sacrifices

Chapter 18: Actus Reus

"Whoever said love was easy,
Do you know they told you wrong?"

Easy, John Newman

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The mattress groaned beneath her as Jackie rolled over and buried her face in her pillow. Over and over, the events of the day looped through her mind. The last twenty-fours had taken it's toll with Danse's outburst being the cherry on the top. His anger was justified and he had every right to shout at her. Still though, his words had stung because she was just trying to do the right thing.

Jackie had left his holding cell with her head held high, don't let them see you cry , and made straight for the exit. A lashing of rain greeted her as she heaved the door open. As it slammed shut, lighting split the sky with a boom of thunder that reverberated through her bones and Jackie screamed at the heavens above because it seemed the gods were mocking her.

No one could see her tears through the sheets of rain that pelted her sodden body as she surrendered herself to the madness. No one would hear her shout and cry as she ripped at her hair, nails gouging into her flesh. No one except a young Initiate who had the audacity to mumble a 'ma'am?' and remind her that there were still eyes watching among the midnight downpour.

Lemus and that goddamn gate guard observed her meltdown like the lunatic she was. All manner of sanity washing away with the rain, Jackie sloshed back to the compound with a one finger salute and muttered 'fuck you ' to the sentry as she crossed the threshold. Somehow, her feet managed to carry her to the vertibird, back to the Prydwen, and before she knew it, the door to her room clicked shut behind her as she collapsed on her bed, a sopping mess.

What was she expecting? Forgiveness? Acceptance? Jackie had broken Danse's cardinal rule, so why on earth wouldn't he be angry? After everything she'd put him through, she shouldn't have expected any less and she certainly deserved far worse.

Over the recent weeks, there had been so much she'd kept from him, hidden behind the facade of fear. She had hoped in the end he would pardon her transgressions, but after this, she didn't know how they would ever mend their mangled relationship. Not that she was worth mending.

Danse's reason for existence had been stolen from him and just when he had started to believe that his life had value - that he had value - she had snatched it away. Jackie had been so consumed by her greediness to keep him close, and her fear of losing him, that she allowed herself to pretend the truth didn't matter. It was selfish and she knew Danse deserved better.

Between her betrayal and the deception, Jackie knew there would be no forgiveness. Even if Danse was somehow willing to overlook her improprieties, she wouldn't allow him to pursue her. Not after this. Whether she had intended to or not, she had destroyed his life, ruined him, and now she no longer held any claim over him. If they survived this ordeal, she would do right by him and let him go, allow him to live his life in peace without her. Perhaps with her no longer burdening him, Danse could finally find the happiness he deserved.

Yes, it would be better for them both if she just disappeared from his life.

Upon her first run in with Danse, she hadn't known about the Institute and their synths. So what basis did Jackie have back then? None, she supposed, other than the farcical understanding that the soldier that stood before her looked like her Nate. During that first encounter, she had lost her goddamn mind, shoved her gun in his face and everything, managing only to get herself forcibly ejected from his compound.

Months had passed since the incident and when Jackie came crawling back, begging to enlist, she knew a little something more and she'd had her suspicions. At first, Jackie could hardly stand to look at Danse, let alone tell him she thought he might be a synth based on an unfounded theory. By the time she knew for sure, it was too late. She had come back from the Institute with renewed confidence in her convictions but she was in over her head with the Brotherhood and if she was being honest... in far too deep with Danse to tell him the truth.