Normal thing - Gracie Abrams

036 Holding On Or Letting Go

Holding On Or Letting Go
036

"it was very unexpected, your call," the tall, blonde woman said gently, watching gabriella with a sympathetic gaze.

"i know, i'm sorry i kinda ghosted you and stopped coming," gabriella looked down at her hands. "i thought i was doing okay."

the therapist nodded. "i heard about your dad, i'm truly sorry for your loss." she opened her notebook, then looked back at gabriella thoughtfully. "grief can feel like it has no clear path, especially when we think we've already moved through it. sometimes, even when we think we're ready to move forward, something unresolved can pull us back. how have you been managing since he passed?"

gabriella looked up for the first time, her eyes red from crying, even though it was only ten in the morning. she'd woken up with a pounding headache, gracie and olivia still asleep on the couch in front of her. nausea hit hard, and all she'd managed was to brush her teeth before dialing her therapist.

"i feel... unwilling," she said finally.

"unwilling to do something specific?" her therapist asked, leaning forward. "or is it more general?"

"in general," gabriella replied, her voice barely above a whisper.

"why do you think that is?"

gabriella sighed, silence filling the room as she tried to find words that wouldn't come. her mind felt jumbled, too full and too empty all at once. she rubbed her forehead, fingers pressing against her temples.

"i had this thought..." she started. "i was on the roof of my building, and i don't know, it just came to me." she paused, struggling to shape the words. "i guess it was an intrusive thought, just... what if i—" she trailed off.

"if you ended it," her therapist finished softly.

her eyes flicked to the floor, nodding. "yes," she whispered, "and it felt... comforting, like the idea that all of this pain would just... stop."

"and?" the therapist leaned forward, her voice gentle but probing.

"it's like... it's just there, lingering in the back of my mind," gabriella murmured.

the therapist studied her, eyes noting the restless bounce of gabriella's leg. gabriella hadn't even realized it until she saw the therapist's gaze settle there.

"have you thought about the people you'd leave behind?" she asked softly.

gabriella shrugged, her voice low. "no one, really, besides my family and gracie. my circle of friends is pretty shitty," she sighed. "and the media's always calling me a nepo baby, saying i have everything handed to me, and i was lucky enough to be born into it. but it's like... once you're gone, they forget how much they tore you down."

"what about your friend, gracie?"

gabriella hesitated, sighing. even though julie had been her therapist since she was 23, she'd never talked about her sexuality with her. she probably never would have if it didn't feel like everything inside her needed to spill out.

"she—she's not just my friend. we're together," gabriella blurted, and julie nodded with a small, understanding smile. "that's not the point," gabriella went on. "i feel like i carry so much baggage, and now, with my dad... i'm scared of hurting her. we had this fight, and she was just trying to be there for me, but i snapped. since he died, there's all this anger i don't even recognize, and i don't know where it's coming from."