Loving 4

Mona

26,5,2007

I open my eyes at the sound of my bedroom door opening, and Kevin comes in. I glance at the clock—it's 2:07 a.m. Just an hour ago, we finished playing Monopoly with my brother and his best friend, Kevin. I like Kevin a lot—I think I have the hots for him. He's18 , and I'm12 , so I won't tell anyone; it's my little secret. "Hey," he whispers. "Hi," I whisper back, rubbing my eyes. "What are you doing here? It's really late." He smiles at me. "I want to play a game with you." I look at him, confused. "But I'm tired," I tell him. "It won't take long," he says. I nod. "Okay." He comes closer sits on my bed and starts pulling my pj's short down pulling his pants too .my mom told me before that no one should ever do that"wh-what are you doing?"I ask him panic starts racing through me"don't talk" he says I try to push him of me ,put his too strong I can't ,he reaches for my panties and pull them down"stop please " but my voice is muffled he has his hands on my mouth,I can't breathe then suddenly I fell pain and it hurts so much I want to scream but I can't I don't think I'm making any voices just the tears running down my face. After his done he gets of me and kisses my forehead "don't tell anyone about our game okay "and his voice makes me shiver .he finished 2:12 ,it was just 5 minutes but it felt like hours and after these 5 minutes I don't think I'll ever be the same

I snap my eyes open I can't breathe ,I'm trying to get my lungs to function but they don't my heart hammers against my chest,I fall trembling from my bed .I crawl over to my desk and open the drawer I take out the bottle ,my hands can't stop trembling ,but somehow I manage to open it and take 3 pills the instructions on the bottle says 1 each three hours but this fastens the process,the pills melt into my mouth and after two minutes the familiar numbness comes back ,the numbness that has been following me the last three years ,I'm sitting in the floor leaning against the wall my breathing calms down but my brain doesn't , I look up see a picture of two little girls hugging each other staring at the camera , my focus is first is on the brunette, she looks so happy smiling at the camera with the blonde girl beside her and I envy her,I envy her because she can smile so easily,because she has her best friend by her side ,my focus is now on the blonde one she's staring at the camera her smiling mirroring her friends , and I ask her why will she ever do what she did to her friend why would she leave her suffer this way ,losing her broke her friends it cut into her friends wound deeper she was the reason her friend still held on she was the reason the voices in her friends head shut up ,and now that she's gone the voices are back and even worse,they are so much worse,because the guilt her friend is feeling is killing her ,because her friend realized two month ago that she is such a selfish person that she doesn't know how the others are feeling, that when her best friend stood by her and helped her she was drowning in her own hell and she didn't even notice.Two month ago I lost my best friend two months ago because of my selfishness ,cara was always there for me the same exact panic attacks that are happening now to me disappeared when she was next to me she soothed the pain made it stop ,she was the only one who knew about what he did to me and she was the only who understood me and I hate her for leaving me ,and hated myself even more ,no not just hated but despise my self.

I lay back on my bed,stare at the ceiling,the pain is still there my tears still streaming down my face but I make no sound ,my sobs are silent but not the voices in my head,no not them they're so loud I can't hear myself,so I get up and open my ballerina music box and get the blade and my hands are trembling,my tears are falling down and the blade is slicing through my skin and the voices and pain in my head are gone because all I could feel now Is the burn of the cuts and I welcome it,I welcome this kind of pain because it's so much better than the the other kind of pain,the pain the would hunt you make you want to crawl out of your own skin,make you hate your body and life,and sometimes it will make you wonder why are you still holding on,so I let my self hurt so the voices could stop .And some how I don't feel sad or guilty, I feel like I deserve it.