You Young Wild Thing

Bury My Father at Dawn

One day you'll be wearing satin
In the darkest shade of black
From the back of the thrift store
And though you hate dresses
For your father just this once
You'll wear one

You're face will go pale from shock
Not knowing what to do or what to say
What can be done and what to leave alone
Teetering on the edge of forgotten
And remembering like the flames of hell themselves have come to greet you

You'll stand at the pew
And count your rosary beads
Even though you don't believe in God
At least you think you don't
For your father you will kneel and pray
and ask for his salvation
Even when deep down your gut curdles
And screams for someone to hear you
Save you
Take you from the pain
Believe you just this once; believe you enough to burry him quickly
Without the stain of a teardrop
or a word of praise 
Without the need for prayer

You'll make your way to the cemetery
Gowned in black like everyone else as they stand
You'll see his casket as they carry it
They'll set it down and offer last goodbyes
You teeter between a whispered I love you
And a heartfelt I don't ever want to see you again
Your brain beckons you away but your heart says I must go
Slowly you edge forward toward an open casket
Where you see your father stiff and still
Most definitely dead

You will check the watch on your wrist
It's dawn
Bury my father at dawn
You had said when the funeral plans had begun
Place him with the chrysanthemums
And pick the finest spot beneath the willow tree
The perfect stone for his name to be etched in
And write
Remembered most for laughter and joy
Be kind to him in his last hours
Offer him the grace of gentle-hood
That he does not for a moment deserve
But I assure you, he will get it
Because what else is there to do
When your father is dead
And you have to bury him by noon

And when you see his face for the last time
Memories replay and the hurt will resurface
The man you called your father
Is not really your father; never was
You fell in love with the idea of him
But now-here in black satin-you are faced with reality
And a goodbye you never thought you'd say
An anger whips you as you stand
Begs for you to feel it, hold it, cradle it, cusp it desperately betwixt heaven and hell
Repent him and his evils
So he can be buried beneath the willow tree
In peace

Carefully as you meet him
Softly you touch his hand
You give reassurance life
As you whisper your last words
You battle your thoughts
Should you whisper reality
Or idealize the life he just lost
What is there to do
When your standing there burying the man who once abused you
Deeply and ungentle not a speck of empathy
Ever flashed in his eyes
As he stood atop of you delivering blow after blow
To cleanse you of the sins he felt lived within you

What is there to do
When your burying the hope of a better future
Where your father looks to you proud
And hugs you tight
Where your father caresses your hair
And braids it effortlessly
He'll tell you he learned how online
And he'll make his classic root beer floats
He'll realize he was wrong and begin to love you rightly
You have to bury your love too
You'll have to bury him and everything that came with
And you'll smile as you do it
You never liked smiling
For your father who always pressed you for more
You'll smile today
If not for the last time

As you whisper one last goodbye
The ground shakes beneath you
And your sprung back to reality
Your father is not dead
He is somewhere living without you
Because he did not want you
He left
The funeral was all in your head
You buried the remnants of his idea
The lies you wove deep inside
You buried beneath that willow tree
At dawn
In your head
And then you said goodbye
Forever this time
And you let him go

In a satin dress
Of the darkest shade of black
Beneath the weeping willow
By the hillside
At dawn; not early, not late
Staring at chrysanthemums
And the finest headstone
Etched with his name; his memory too
Remembered most for laughter and joy
An open casket by a freshly dug grave
Within it not a body but a fate
An idealization of a man
That will never love me
That today I will bury
And let go
That today with my rosary
I will pray away
The same way he did with me

In my head a funeral has been planned
To lay to rest the idea of a man
Who never once loved me; who never will
Rosary in hand
I pray away
The same way he did me.