You Young Wild Thing

If I Were a Cowboy

If I were a cowboy
I would spend most of my days worrying
That between the fire burning
And the flask in my hands
The man sat beside me
Playing his harmonica
A tune played for the birds
And the stars
Is lying about its meaning
Is it for the birds or
Is he really playing for me

If I were a cowboy
Riding on horseback
Taking a look at the creak
Surviving off of baked beans
All the things life brings
At the top of a mountain
That they all call Brokeback
I would enjoy every minute of it
At least I think

If I were a cowboy
I'd wear my hat angled to cover my eyes
To hide from the world and it's aching need
To hide from those that come near me
Because what will I do when they leave me
Great love comes with great pain
So I will hide my face
And pray
That love never has its way with me

If I were a cowboy
Stranded at sea
In love with a boy
That has a smile as bright as the sun
And a hug worth a million in gold
I'd hold my head high
And count the leashes he kept me on
As keepsakes of love
That he gave to me

If I were a cowboy
I'd play my harmonica
And drink gin late into the morning
To keep him from herding the sheep
He'd stay in the tent
Me and him
And this old harmonica's song
Which I say I play for the birds and the spring
When really it's all for him
My Dear Ennis
It's named after him

If I were a cowboy
That heard we'd have to leave early
And I saw my dear Ennis
Sitting somberly
Taking our leaving like stones thrown to his chest
I'd lasso him and pull him to the grass
But then he gets rough again
And tumbles like fire
Soon we're both bloodied and messy
But it was worth it
To hold him for all of one minute

If I were a cowboy
When a month early
We're called off the mountain
And my heart hurts
But the words can't explain it
I'd fight him because I miss him
And then I'd feel bad for ever hitting him
My nose all bloodied
And I don't know where my shirt went
But alas, we must go, and as we walk into town
I watch him drive away
And then my stomach knots
And screams until
I crouch in an alleyway
And puke my guts out
Punch the wall for good measure
And miss him more than words could tell

If I were a cowboy
I'd settle down with a wife
Pop out a few kids and live a lie
To protect everything that I am
But at night when all is quiet
I can't help but think of him
I wonder where he's been
I enjoy sleeping
Because when I do I'm always dreaming of him

If I were a cowboy
And a letter was sent to me
Send me a line, the fish should be jumping
That is if you're there
How could I never be there?
So I write back and I say
You bet
When really what I mean is
My heart aches for you, I've missed you every day
And if you don't come back soon
I'll be good as dead from needing you

If I were a cowboy
I'd visit Brokeback with my fishing buddy
Once every year
By the fire he'd pass me his flask
And when I hand it back
He takes a sip from it; slow and steady
And something tells me it's not the whiskey he's savoring
It's not the drink in hands
That he craves
It's me
And if only I could tell him I long for him just the same

If I were a cowboy
Sitting in the grass under that big blue sky
I'd feel so small
A speck all alone
So small down here we all are
But with Jack by my side
The stars seem a little closer tonight
And the pain seems easier to bare

If I were a cowboy
And he wanted me so desperately
But that is the one thing I cannot give
No matter how bad
I want it
Or how often I see it in his eyes
The bags of exhaustion
The hatred of lying
Why not tell the truth he says
It's better off a secret than dead
I respond stone cold
I have to be realistic
I can't afford to have my head in the clouds
I have a life to keep up with and protect

If I were a cowboy
And he said
It's better off a secret than dead
The hurt would pool in my eyes
The desire to say he's wrong
Pulsating through my veins
But I know, alas, he has a point
They'd kill us if they knew
It's 1963 and Wyoming
Tell the truth, who am I kidding
That was never a choice
We had the right to be given
Let alone to make
I understand my dear Ennis
But I hope that some day things can change
For you and me
And that ranch we should make

If I were a cowboy
Whose money has run thin
The need to survive
Outruns the need to live
And so as the years go by
Drifting off into the wind
Dreaming of him
And his harmonica song
Jack my little Darlin I miss
I hope, someday soon, to see you again

If I were a cowboy
That finally caught a break
And now can afford a fishing trip
With an old buddy
I used to herd sheep with
I drive up to Brokeback
Like I've done dozens of times
I meet him with a hug
A bit of push and shove
A blender of emotions that I can't explain
Poor out onto the sand
I wish it didn't have to be like this
I wish I weren't like this
And the worst part is
I won't be able to see him for a long time
Work calls and I need the money

If I were a cowboy
And he'd waited to tell me
That he wouldn't be able to see me in the spring
We'd have to wait a few more months
I'd be angry at first
I'd cuss and yell and scream
It's been 20 years
And these short leashes
Are starting to choke the life from my soul
My harmonica only plays the flat notes
It doesn't sound quite right

If I were a cowboy
I'd look him in the eyes
And ask why
Where has he been for all this time
What about the ranch
Where we herd the sheep
And keep a few horses
What about the life I had planned
You didn't want it
Why didn't you want it Ennis

If I were a cowboy
And my emotions were confusing
The threat of never wanting a thing
That he gave to me
Would make me crumble; would make me scream
I'd fall to my knees
In the face of the destruction the world had caused
And the destruction I took part in
Guilt would fill me
But I wouldn't know how to name it
So I'd push and shove
And scream
And blame him
When I shouldn't have
I'll cry about it later
When no one can see me

If I were a cowboy
I'd forgive and move on
Plan another trip
And send another post card
Fish should be jumping, lend me a line
If you're there of course
I say just what I always have
How about may does that work
All that's left to do is wait

If I were a cowboy
And I got a postcard
Asking to meet in may
But the message is covered in red
Deceased
It says
And my heart is in my mouth
My stomach turns
And breakfast is begging to come out

If I were a cowboy
And the love of my life was dead
I'd dial his wife
And ask what had happened
She says it was a tire accident
But I have my gripes
Anyway, it doesn't matter now
Now he's gone
She says he wanted his ashes spread up on brokeback
It was his favorite place
But I know what he really means is
It's his favorite person
He wants to be with his person
My little Darlin Jack
I'm so sorry for the time I've been waisting

If I were a cowboy
Who drove up to see my fishing buddies parents
Who sit cold and quiet
Eyeing me knowingly
They talk about how Jack had mentioned me
He said he'd bring me up here one day
To fix the guest house
And give me a home in his heart
One which I turned down
It all feels useless now
What was the point
He's dead
And I lied

If I were a cowboy
Who sees my darlin Jack's
Childhood bedroom
All stale and white as can be
His heart begins to unfold
Seeing explains more than words could have ever told me
Everything painted in bright white
Almost annoying to the naked eye
I take a look at his things
And check his closet
And that's where I find it
Hanging perfectly on a hook
His bloodied shirt hugging mine
I thought I forgot it
But he took it
To keep a piece of me

If I were a cowboy
I'd take those shirts home with me
And when I got there
I'd hang them in my closet
With my shirt hugging his
I'd take a long and hard look at it
Jack, I swear
I say but what I really mean is
If I could do it all over again
I would get that ranch
I'm sorry I waisted all that time
I love you
I will always love you
I have always loved you just as much as you loved me
Jack, I swear
I love you more than everything

If I were a cowboy
Oh wait, this is just a movie
And anyway I couldn't be
Because if I were it'd kill me.