Stories

Insecurities

I am not allowed to feel this way
Why?
Why does my heart beat faster when somebody goes 'oh look at how skinny you are!'
Why do I bite my lip when I am told to fatten up?
Why do I hold back tears when I hug a person and they shout about how I'm just bones?
Why am I only allowed to cry when I'm alone?
Whether that's in the shower where I can see my bone jutting out of my skin or in bed,
To tired to do anything but stare down at my stomach, because there's nothing to block my view.
I'm not allowed to vent to my friends because I'm to skinny, to white to have problems.
I'm to tall to feel short, to skinny to feel unwanted, to white to feel discriminated against.
I look everywhere and what do I see?
"How to become skinny in 10 easy steps!"
"Low calorie chocolate cake!"
"She lost 50 pounds and kept it off! Her secrets revealed!"
I see people crying, hurling and even dying because they believe they are to fat.
I see people staring at me sometimes, either craving my body or despising it.
But what I don't see is my personal beauty.
And what they don't see is me staring right back, wishing for the same thing.
When the television shouts at me 'look at these models!'
I see perfection.
They are 120 pounds with breasts and asses that I could only wish I had.
But, they lack the attributed that I do have.
Where are their ribs, their spines?
Sure they have their collarbones and hip bones out, but that's it.
Where is their knobby knees, their veins?
Where are my breasts and ass?
I look and I search but all I find is...nothing.
Then I look online, and cringe.
"Stop ignoring us!"
"More cushion for the pushing!"
"Where are the normal body types?"
The...normal body types?
Am, am I not normal?
But, I've always been told that my body's what everybody wants.
"Anorexic bitch"
"No boys going to want a bag of bones."
"There's nothing there!"
"Why are you crying? You're skinny, you have nothing to be sad about!"
"How are you sad? I would kill for your body."
No, no you wouldn't.
I would kill for yours.
You don't have any bones jutting out.
You don't have knobby knees.
You don't have veins you can see run from your wrist to your neck.
You don't have hidden scars.
You don't disappear as soon as you turn sideways.
I do.
And I'm told that's what everybody wants until they're not talking to me.
Then you don't want my body.
Then you don't want my bones.
You want me to want your body.
You need me to become larger.
But as soon as I try to do just that you tell me I'm an idiot.
When I eat so much I feel like puking my body is suddenly perfect.
When I only eat a salad because I'm not hungry I'm anorexic.
When I told you I cry about my weight you told me I'm to skinny to have insecurities.
When I felt confident in my skin you poked at my ribs, laughed at my spine.
So I finally learned to keep my mouth shut.
To just take the blows.
"Anorexic bitch." Yeah, I am.
"No boy wants a bag of bones." Good thing I'm gay.
"There's nothing there!" Can't argue with that.
"Do you ever eat?" Yeah, till the point that I feel like throwing up.
"Want to trade bodies?" So fucking badly.
"Where are your boobs?" No idea.
The saddest part is, I'm never going to post this.
Why?
Because I know I'll be told I'm crying for no reason.
That I'm perfect and that they would kill for my body.
While others would tell me I'm anorexic and should stop crying like a little bitch.
Oh well,
Guess I'll just keep crying in silence.
Pleading for the confidence I never had and never will have.
I made this three months ago. Please remember that everybody, no matter they're size, religion, gender, sexuality or colour is allowed to have emotions. That they can feel pain and self hatred and anger and happiness and wanting and human emotions that everybody feels.