Guilt, guilt is something that always eats a person up. Maybe especially if they have survivor's guilt. Seeing that casket go into the ground wasn't easy, it wasn't as easy for Darry and Sodapop. Darry let those tears stream down his face and so did Soda. Steve never really liked the kid but he felt bad because everyone knew Ponyboy had the potential to grow up and live an easy life, death wasn't something we all would've expected to come for Ponyboy. Stuff at home wasn't making it easier either, why couldn't it all go away? I just wanted Ponyboy, my first and only friend. Ponyboy's death wasn't only affecting me but everyone could see how bad it came down on Darry. But not a single person said anything to him because we all knew better than to.
Darry was drinking a lot. Yeah, darry would drink but not as heavily as he is now, Sodapop has been trying to get Darry to stop. Darry can't lose himself not now, that's not what Ponyboy would've wanted. I could also tell Dallas started to realize he actually cared for Ponyboy quite a lot, I wish someone cared for me that way.
Sometimes I would visit his grave, put flowers, his favorite snacks, anything. I would sit there a lot and just cry, why was I becoming like this all of a sudden? I wanted to be strong for Ponyboy but I just couldn't. I went home that night, my mother was drunk as always. She started yelling at me, why couldn't she leave me alone? Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. But she wouldn't, I yelled back. Something I've never dared to do before because I knew the consequences of yelling back at either of them. That night I was beaten, the way my skin stinged with every hit with that belt. The slaps, every single touch hurt more than the other. I sat in my room balling my eyes out, why can't it all stop? I want it to stop. I just want to see Ponyboy...Ponyboy why'd you have to leave me?
It's been about a month. I don't know how long I can take this trashy life without a best friend by my side, why don't I go make a new best friend? But will they have the same laugh? The same humor? The same blonde hair? The same ways to make me laugh? I can't move on and I know it, and it hurts a lot.
