Risk & Reward

Twelve

The one thing Shi had never fully worked through after Sabi's death was her fear of driving at night. She'd managed to cope usually, and avoided it when at all possible, but it still made her more anxious than anything else did. At times the fear became so overwhelming she couldn't get herself to drive if her life depended on it. Unfortunately she has yet to master the knowledge of when those panic attacks will hit, and tonight is no different.

There had been no indication that tonight would be a bad night for driving until she'd sat down in her car. It had hit her like a wall, the paralyzing fear of turning on the car and driving the hour and half or so home. The steering wheel felt like it was mocking her, just sitting there waiting for her to grab it and drive, but her fear kept her from touching anything. The show had ended nearly an hour ago, and though a few fans lingered around it had pretty well cleared out, but still she sat. She'd tried calling Paul, but unfortunately his phone had gone to voicemail immediately. The only time it did that it meant he had an important case in the morning and had shut down all communication to get his sleep.

She'd debated calling Tay for a minute, but realized that would only lead to being pestered about Calum. Which normally would be fine, except she needed calm and reassuring right now. Tay also lacked the ability to understand her fear and the trauma it comes from, not for lack of trying, but it was one thing her best friend couldn't save her from fully.

"You can do this, Shilo." She whispers to herself, taking a deep breath. An image flashes before her eyes almost too quickly when she tries to reach for the start button and her hand falls flat, landing with a small smacking noise against her thigh. Leaning her head back against the seat, she can feel her eyes beginning to burn, and her throat feeling thick. It shouldn't be this fucking hard, she could be over halfway home already if she could just get out of her head.

"Shi." She fully jumps as a knock comes at her window, turning with wide eyes to see Calum standing there.

"What are you doing?" She pushes open the door quickly, hoping no one still lingering has noticed him.

"Funny, I was going to ask you the same question. I could see your car from the green room and kept looking to see when you'd head home only to realize you don't seem to be." He frowns.

"You're never going to call me after this weekend." She offers an incredulous laugh. "I'm too big of a mess."

"What?"

"I got in the car to head home and started having a panic attack of sorts. It's the one major thing I have yet to conquer since Sabi died; driving at night. I can usually cope with it when I know I have to, and I avoid it at all cost first, but sometimes that paralyzing fear creeps up on me without rhyme or reason and tonight it did that. I've been sitting here for an hour trying to talk myself down and get myself to leave, it hasn't worked." She shrugs, feeling embarrassed and ashamed, picking at her skirt rather than looking at his face.

"Shi, if you're ever having a panic attack, over anything, and you know I'm close by, please just ask for help?" The genuine care she can hear in his voice almost undoes her.

"I feel stupid." She admits quietly.

"You're not, I promise. Now, how do I help?"

"I don't know." She sighs. "That's the other hard part about when this happens, I don't know what causes it or how to stop it. The only person who has ever successfully talked me through an overly anxious drive like this is my uncle, and he's apparently got a massive case tomorrow because his phone is all the way off tonight. I should probably find a hotel close by and head home in the morning, it might be my best bet on actually getting out of this parking lot."