Venting book

Chaos...

hopefully the song will clarify the matters before you even read this...

Yes... I am unstable... My emotions are such a burden to me... I wish I never felt even close to how much I do and I wish I never felt what I am feeling now... It hurts... And it's no one's fault... Just mine... My lack of self-control... I just let these stupid emotions take control of me and destroy me, making me just a mindless fool... At this point, am I even human? I am, right? You can see me, you can tell that physically, I am a human being... Just with a very fucked up mind... 

I wish I never even knew what being a human was like, I wish I just had control over these stupid feelings and emotions... I wish no one had to suffer in silence, hiding everything, just because of me... Especially not the ones I so much care about... And I care... so much... I accepted everything I was told... And is it true that people just lose interest in you for that? because you just complied so easily, not bringing up a challenge for them, not making them determined to somehow... keep me... even if just as a friend... 

I just rush everything... I am impatient, I am insecure, I am simply... too easily attached without any reason...

Yes, it's only natural for humans to develop attachment to someone... so much so that it becomes so overwhelming that it starts to hurt that person... And now you both suffer in silence, afraid of hurting each other further... I wish I never cared for someone this way... I wish that out of all there was to understand, I would have made sense of what it's like to care about someone... and not hurt them and burden them further with my insecurities and issues... 

I hate everything about myself... I hate how I talk about my insecurities and issues like I am desperate for reassurance, I hate the fact that I feel so needy and crave attention... I hate how I make myself appear so vulnerable like I asked for comfort... I hate how everything feels like I am nothing but a lousy, attention seeking shit who constantly pesters everyone just because she cannot deal with her own fucking problems herself! I hate how I always feel like talking about my feelings like anyone even cares! It's not like I even wanted anyone to care... I just don't know how to deal with my own fucking problems, so I just burden others with them, is that it?! I so much wish it wasn't, I just wish I stopped feeling like it is that way! I wish I stopped feeling completely! 

I hate everything about myself... I hate my humanity... Because regardless, I never fail to burden others... just because I cannot fucking keep my stupid thoughts to myself and because I never deal with my own fucking problems! I still have a human side in me... It is me... I am just a coward and a pathetic, attention seeking piece of shit... So why would anyone care anymore...?

Do they even care anymore? You all must already be fed up with this bullshit by now. You must have already had enough of me saying this. I understand... After all... nobody blames you. No one will tell you to be any more patient with me... There is nothing to be patient about... I just keep saying  the same things over and over and over again like it's the only thing I know! You must be so done with this...

I hate everything about myself... About my very own existence... It's like I prove that regardless of all the support I ever got, I never change... I just become even more attached... Once I do, I start to feel like a burden... Because all I ever do is pass all my pain and suffering onto others over and over and over again like I am seeking their attention... And I am just too insecure... Too insecure... 

Because no matter what I do, I hurt everyone. I am unfit for any human relationship, be it friendship or romance. My insecurities, my constant rants about the same subjects that go on forever, seemingly just to make it seem like I need reassurance... they just ruin everything... They ruin me... And you tried to accept this... But why?! How can anyone accept this?! Doesn't patience have limits?! Aren't you already fed up with this?! Aren't you done having to deal with my same problems over and over and over again?! Haven't I made you suffer enough?!

I call myself human and all my emotions... But I am not, I never even wanted to be... I ruined myself, I started to ruin you...! It was the last thing I ever wanted...! It's the last thing I want to happen to me... To watch you slowly walk away all knowing it is just my fault...! 

It hurts... And it was never ever your fault... You tried to fix me... And I am just toying with your patience, aren't I...?

Haven't you suffered enough because of me...? 

I always understood why no one could ever love an inhuman monster like me... don't pity me. I am not worth it... I will no longer demand attention... I am not even suffering... I just... I just wanted... to know how it felt to truly care about someone... who  always cared about you in return...

Don't try to understand this chaos... It's the same shit... Over and over and over and over again... Aren't you fed up already...?