Years Ago

Human?

I feel not the slightest bit of relation towards humans. I've never been able to see myself as one of them for as long as I can remember. If you asked me to explain the features of someone I wouldn't be able to tell you a single thing.

Humans are vile and disgusting yet I feel fear in their presence. The need to comply is so very frightening it puts me into a state of anxiety. The nightmares that fuel my mind at night always involve humans.

When I look at a human I merely only see pixels, I don't see them as a whole they're merely parts to be broken down. I've never been human and nobody has seen me as human. I do not fear death, I fear the way I'll die.

Humans don't die, their bodies die but their souls continue to live. If they even have souls. This body I live in doesn't belong to me, I can feel all the parts inside me functioning. It's a horrid feeling that makes me wanna regurgitate it all up. The constant pain I live in everyday is chilling.

Despite wishing to cry I cannot yet others somehow manage to do it so easily, I envy them. I'm stuck simply watching others live whilst I remain on the sidelines watching. This must be what irritation feels like but I'm not sure, I cannot feel emotions I merely make up and mimic what it looks like. I convince myself that I can feel but I don't.

The world is a cruel place, one that I don't in. I don't care about other people, I don't care about their lives, their thoughts, their health, or their happiness. I've only cared about one person yet I don't at the same time, it's strange. I desire their love, their comfort, their support yet I don't want it at the same time. It's truly confusing. She's like a mother to me but I don't want that care, I simply wish to be left alone to rot.

I know my wants but yet I don't understand what I need. I don't feel like I need food, water, sunlight, or the physical touch of another. Yet I want to eat, I want to die, I want to rot, I want to be left alone in isolation, I want silence. I want the constant pain I feel to disappear. I can only want but never obtain, it's pitiful.

I will **never** be human. And perhaps I'm okay with that fact.