The Devil's Advocate

Chapter seventeen: The ladder between selfishness and selflessnes

Minji

Wanting Hanni started to feel like a sin.

A year has gone by, our little baby girl has been born. Her name is Hyein Kim. She's truly as beautiful as her mother. She's the light of my eyes if I were to be honest.

And as for Hanni, she's been free ever since we had that talk, she was free to live her life. And you could say that I almost regret doing so. But it says a lot about who I am now. And we're also divorced.

Hanni asked and I delivered. Almost like a fool.

I let out a sigh as I stood by the sliding door to the backyard, Hanni had Hyein sitting down in a blanket above the grass. They were both so close but so far away from me. I can't grasp them the way I wanted.

Me and Hanni were only friends, and I feel that it was mostly for the sake of Hyein. And I understood that more than anything, but I can't stand the fact that Hanni is seeing someone now.

And oh, I love Hanni. So much. It's almost too much. Just dropping that news as if it'd be any better. Hanni knows that I care for her so dearly but she refuses to see me. What if I told her that I loved her? Would she choose me then?

Hanni was now truly untouchable, and I was starting to hate it. I wanted to burn my feelings until there was nothing left. But I can't, not when Hanni is the mother of my child and the woman who fixed me the fuck up. I wanted to truly put a bullet through that Sim guy's head. I don't know what she sees in him.

Maybe he isn't a devil, Minji. And he's also been the one to piece Hanni back together. Like great, I tried not to loose my cool. At least Hanni trusted me enough to leave Hyein with me, I guess that's the good thing about it.

I've tried my best to endure it all just for the sake of seeing Hanni smile, but the selfish side of me really wanted to keep Hanni to myself because that's exactly what I was. Selfish.

But I don't want to fall into those tendencies again, I've been doing so well and it would ruin it all, so I can't. I can't ruin everything for my selfish need to have Hanni for myself. Though the reason itself isn't so bad.

"Mama!" My attention was grabbed by my daughter that looked at me with her big eyes and plump bottom lip formed into a pout as her arms were in the air trying to call me over to carry her. I smiled as I made my way to her, ignoring Hanni's gaze that was on me.

"Hello, how's my little princess doing?" I asked her once I reached her, I lifted her up in my arms. She thrashed around in happiness at being carried. She let out some whiny noise as a response and I couldn't help but smile.

I turned to look at Hanni who stood up and hesitantly reached out to grab Hyein from my hold. I let her take my little princess from me but I wasn't liking that look on her face, she's about to say something I won't like. A good year with her and I know of her every little habit and expressions.

"Minji, I kind of wanted to ask you about something." She said and I looked at her with a puzzled expression, she seemed scared to tell me. "I want Jake to meet Hyein, he's an important factor of my life right now, and I really want him to meet her since she's also a big factor of my life. I was wondering if I can take Hyein with me?" My eyebrows furrowed immediately as I took a step back.

My temper was always going to stay the same. Especially when it came to that fucking monkey looking man that Hanni is falling in love with.

"No. You're not taking Hyein anywhere, that's my daughter, Hanni. I don't care if Jake is important to you or not. Hyein will not meet him and that's the end of this conversation." I said through gritted teeth as I grabbed Hyein from Hanni's hold, and brought her close to my chest.

Hanni had crossed my lines with that question.

The enemy can't be trusted with what you care about most.

"Hyein is part of my life, she has to meet him at some point." I threw her a glare as I took an intimidating step towards her. "I can allow certain things to an extent, Hanni. And this is one of those things that have crossed the lines of my boundaries. I don't care if it's something that happens to others or that it's normal for babies to meet their step-parents, she's not going to see him. And it's final." I said as I held Hyein's tightly against my chest.

"Do you have a problem with him, Minji?" Oh, she knows she's the only one that can talk to me like that. "That's none of your business." I said as I tried to walk away with Hyein but Hanni's voice stopped me. "He's my boyfriend, Minji. And I...love him." My brows met at the center as I threw Hanni a glare.

I hope she truly doesn't know that she's hurting me.

"I don't care if you do, Hyein is a boundary that you can't cross, Hanni. So, please let the idea go." I said with a pleading look in my eyes. I don't want to ruin anything by my own jealousy. I've learned that it's one of the most mind controlling emotions.

I learned to be selfless, Hanni taught me that nothing is ever truly mine to keep. And that sometimes you have to let go, but fuck that. I can't let go. Not of her. I did so much for her to see me, but it never worked.

I'm in between of being selfish and selfless for her.

"Minji." There was a stern tone to her voice and I took a deep breath. "I don't care that you're with him, I set my feelings for you aside since that talk. All I've ever done is respect you and your decisions, but this is one I can't. Hyein is mine. I'm not going to share my daughter with anyone that isn't you." I said as I looked deep into her eyes.

Hanni looked away and let out a sigh. "Okay, I understand." She said but she seemed to be slipping from my grasp again. I can't change that possessive side of me, I haven't done anything since they got together but my mind keeps imagining my him blowing up inside his car because of me. Like it's truly consuming me. I don't want her with him.

I want her with me.

I don't deserve her at all, but I want to keep her anyway.

She's mine, she'll always be mine even though I'm letting her live her life with someone else. Deep down she's still my woman. Only mine.

I let out a sigh, then kissing Hyein's cheek. "I'm still here waiting for you, Hanni. You know that better than anyone. I'm still trying so hard to be better. But don't make me go back to that sinkhole if you ignore my wants." I said, it wasn't a threat. It was more of letting her know how I feel.

"It'll never be you, Minji. It can't be you." She said, shaking her head and I felt my heart breaking for the nth time today. Maybe, it's right for me to let her go fully. She's only here for Hyein.

"The door is open, Hanni. Don't force yourself to be here anymore. You taught me a lot, and I truly thank you for that. But despite how much I want you for myself, I've let you go." Her eyes were looking at me confused.

Hyein was giggling as she watched a butterfly roam around us. I took a step closer to her and cupped her cheek. "You deserve the world, Hanni. I tore you apart in so many ways, and it's truly so messed up. And I know it's wrong of me to want you to think of me as an option." I said and her eyes softened as I leaned in closer.

"But for me, you're all I think of. You're all I want. I want us to be a true family, Hanni. But you don't want that." I said and she shook her head at me as tears formed in her beautiful brown eyes. "I love him, Minji. He fixed me. And we will never be a true family, I'll never stop seeing you as the person that destroyed me." I shut my eyes, feeling the sting at my heart.

"I know, Hanni. That'll never change. And you know what, you should leave." Her eyebrows suddenly shot to the center of her forehead. "I love you, Hanni. But you'll never be mine again." Her eyes widened as she looked at me like I said the most craziest thing ever.

I smiled as I brought her close and kissed her temple. "I love you, and so much. If you want to leave, go ahead. I'm not going to stop you." I said as brought her closer to me, Hyein still entertained by the butterfly.

"And forgive me for what I'm about to do." She looked even more confused but I only pulled her flush against me as I pressed my lips against her own. Kissing her with a desperation I never knew I had.

For what may be the last time.

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