Time After Time

7. Mistakes

The pounding on my door pulls me out of my thoughts as I drown my fifth glass of scotch. No matter what I do it's all fucked up. The pounding starts again, I groan as I stagger towards the door. "I'm coming." Maybe Sienna changed her mind and came back. No, if she is smart, she would stay the hell away from me. I am a walking disaster. Case in point as I almost trip over my own damn feet. "Shit!"

The door flings open almost knocking me on my ass as Jess frantically looks around. "What the hell happened here?"

"Why are you here? Shouldn't you be with Mike?" I cringe just thinking of the douchebag even if he is supposedly my best friend now. What a fucking joke of a reality I live in now. I guess it's a good thing that it will change in the morning.

"Jace, what the hell?" Grabbing by the elbow, slamming my door shut and dragging me to the living room scolding me like a damn child. "I'm gone for a couple of hours, and this is what happens. You really need to get your shit together."

"Why are you here, Jess?"

"Something in my gut to come back and check on you. Good thing I did, before you drink yourself to death. You idiot!" At least she is right about something. I am the biggest idiot there is for thinking I can change things. "Besides Mike went home he has to be up early, just like you do. But then again who knows if you will be here tomorrow or not."

"Mike, doesn't live with you."

Her laughter distracts me from the turmoil I am in for a moment. "Hell no! I'm not ready for that type of commitment. Good thing I pounded on your door because I wouldn't want to walk in on something again." Her nose scrunches up in disgust.

"You walked in on Sienna and me before?"

"Yes, I did. I still would like to know how you got her in that position." That makes two of us. I shrug because I have no memory of it. "Right, I forgot. Which brings me to my next question." Always straight to the point. "What happened now? You were not in this state when I left you."

"Death."

The color drains from her face. "S-Sienna?" Shaking my head because I know what she is thinking. The punch to the arm is strong that I have to shake my arm a bit.

"What the hell, woman?!"

"That's for scaring the shit out of me and this..." She does it again and I jump off the couch. "Is for being an ass. Clarify things, you idiot! Don't start off by saying death."

"Death was here." Tilting her head to the side in confusion. "As in the grim reaper." She laughs but when I do not share her sentiment Jess quiets down.

"You're serious." Nodding my head she gets up to grab herself a beer from the fridge before sitting down again on the sofa. "I do not envy you one bit my friend." Neither do I at this point.

"She goes by the name Alanna." I tell her everything and she takes the scotch bottle off the table and takes swig straight from the bottle.

"Fuck! No matter what happens we will lose Sienna, no matter what." Nodding my head the tears slip from my eyes. "What are you going to do?" It doesn't matter because any outcome results the same way, losing Sienna.

"Don't give up. I can tell you are losing hope in all this." The stern look she gives me as she slams the bottle down on the table. "I'm not losing my best friend." Standing up she starts pacing and I can't do anything but just watch her spiral. I have been there plenty of times. "Is this some fucking cruel joke from the powers that be!" She yells. "Fuck you for screwing with people's lives!"

"I'm so sorry Jess." Covering my face with my hands. "This is all my fault."

"No, it's not! It's them!" She points to the ceiling flipping it off. Like it will do any good. "She's my sister, my best friend. I can't lose her." Tears fall down her face and I immediately get up and pull her into a hug.

"I'll choose to go back to the way it was and hope for the best. I can't be selfish anymore." If it was for anyone else, I would have told them to fuck off. It's Jess and She has stood by me all these years; this is the least I can do for her.

"No!" Pulling away from me startles me. "If we get to have her in our life a little bit longer then you do it."

"I don't know if I can live with someone else dying because of my mistakes."

"I don't care! She deserves a chance." Grabbing a fist full of my shirt and desperately clinging to me. "Promise me, that you will see this through." Her sobs break my heart a little more. The tears fall from both of our eyes as I pull her close to me as I possibly can.

"I promise. Okay. I promise, Jess." Moving her hair out of her face and drying the tears under her eyes. No matter what I do Sienna will die, but if I can give this to Jess I will.

"Thank you." Kissing my cheek. "We can't lose her."

"But we will and will kill us even more in the end. I will do this for you. This is going to kill me more than it has before."

"Jace." Wiping the tears from my eyes.

"I'm sorry for all my mistakes." And for the many ones in the future. I have to numb myself from all of it if I want to survive. The more I do that I feel myself slipping further into the abyss than ever before.

Looking into her eyes that plead with me, I make another mistake as my lips crash to hers.  I don't know what overcame me. Maybe it's because she is familiar, and I want to feel something other than this despair I have lived with for so long. This is wrong on so many levels, but I can't stop myself. I don't know if she is tugging on my shirt or trying to push me away as I deepen the kiss, that is until her hands slam into my chest.

The slap comes fast and hard. I deserved it, I truly did.

"What the hell?"

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, you are saying that a lot, you idiot!" Her fingers trace her lips for a split moment, but I caught it. "If you don't ever do that again, I can forgive you." Nodding my head, I can't even look her in the eye. What the fuck is wrong with me? "Our emotions are running high, that's what is was. I would never..."  

"I know. I would never want to hurt Sienna or you."

"I know that! It's just knowing..." It's too much and she chokes on a sob again.

"Fuck! I'm so sorry, Jess."

Tilting my chin up so I will actually look at her. She gives me her signature smile. "Just think of it this way." That smirk of hers is mischievous. "Tomorrow you might be seventeen again and I will not remember any of this."

I know she is trying to make light of the situation, but I feel so ashamed. 

"But I will." Taking my hand, she guides me back to our original spots on the sofa. "Sienna is better off without me."

"Why?"

"I keep screwing things up. I fucking kissed you. Her best friend!"

"I should have pulled away right when it happened, but I didn't. We are both at fault on this." No, this is all on me. "If this is truly not your reality then Sienna is already gone, and I am probably trying to keep you sane as it is." She's not wrong there.

"Are we going to be okay?" Jess has become my best friend over time from Sienna passing before all of this shit hit the fan. I can't lose her too.

"Of course, we are. Like I said emotions are running high and we both were not thinking clearly." Standing up and heading to the door she looks back at me over her shoulder. "I hope you can save her; I truly do. If you cannot she will always be in our hearts, and you will always be my friend. No matter how many mistakes you make. I'll see you around, if you need me, call me."

"I will." 

"If I don't hear from you, good luck on your next chance." Opening the door she fully turns to me and smiles. "Jace, just cherish every moment you two have together. Not a lot of people get this kind of chance to be with their loved one's time after time."

"I promise." 

With that she leaves, I can finally breathe again. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but kissing Jess, I'm just not sure if that was one of them or not.