TO SHOU WITH LOVE

39 - THANAPON'S PAST

The silence persisted for a long time, and Thanapon finally spoke again, "Since I was little, I often heard people say that my mom had good luck. She never suffered any hardships from childhood to adulthood. After she married my dad, she didn't have to worry about anything anymore. My dad took care of everything, big and small. My mom was an early childhood educator. She genuinely enjoyed interacting with children, always with a smile on her face. Both parents and children loved her."

"As for my dad... At that time, he was a university professor. When I was young, I thought he was exceptionally knowledgeable. I always thought that when I grew up, I wanted to be like him. When I was six years old, he suddenly resigned from the university and partnered with someone to start a company. From then on, he became busier and busier, and the frequency of his business trips increased. When I was nine years old, he didn't come home for a long time. When he finally returned, he had lost weight and his personality had changed significantly. He became irritable and quick-tempered. My mom asked him what had happened, but he didn't say anything, just said it was nothing and that he could handle it himself."

"Until one afternoon, Uncle Max, the person you met tonight, came to our house to find my dad. That's when my mom found out that my dad had made a decision-making mistake that led to a huge loss for the company. Not only did the project fail, but hundreds of workers were also owed several months' wages, and the company was on the verge of bankruptcy."

"He didn't tell anyone the truth about this. He used investment as an excuse to deceive Uncle Max into becoming his guarantor, borrowed a large sum of money at a high interest rate, and attempted to turn things around through gambling to cover the losses he caused. But he lost all the money overnight. Uncle Max was kept in the dark until the creditor came to demand repayment, unable to find him. Then Uncle Max realized he had been deceived."

"Tony disappeared at that time. Since then, no one could find him. Uncle Max couldn't find him, my mom couldn't find him, and despite contacting all his friends and relatives, there was no news. We even reported to the police, but there were no leads. He seemed to have evaporated from the face of the earth. For the next ten years, there was no news from him."

"Tony disappeared, but the debt remained. The creditor demanded that Uncle Max, the guarantor, repay the debt. Because of this debt, Uncle Max's family suffered a lot. In the end, they sold all their property but still couldn't repay the huge debt Tony owed. Because of this incident, Uncle Max's family fell apart. Since then, he seemed like a different person, full of disgust and resentment towards me and my mom. He would come to our house every few days, banging on the door and demanding repayment. He kept insisting that we were in contact with Tony and demanded that we tell him Tony's whereabouts.

"The debt was incurred by Tony, but Uncle Max's family suffered unjustly. My mom felt guilty. After that incident, she worked hard to earn money, wanting to repay Uncle Max as soon as possible. She told me to focus on studying while she worked multiple jobs in secret. After a while, her health couldn't take it anymore, and she fell ill. I don't know when she got sick. She kept it from me until one day when she suddenly collapsed at work. When I was called to the hospital, the doctor told me that my mom was in the late stages of kidney failure, and there was nothing they could do."

Thanapon paused, took a deep breath, and Sailub heard a slight tremor in his breath when he exhaled, as if he was struggling to control his emotions.

"To treat my mom's illness, I brought her to Bangkok. The doctors said that in her condition, her life could only be maintained through dialysis. To have a chance at recovery, she would need a kidney transplant, but whether we could wait until that day was uncertain."

"In December... two years ago, I was tutoring a student in the outskirts of the city when the hospital suddenly called and said my mom..."

Thanapon paused here, remaining silent for a while. His Adam's apple rolled before he continued, "had jumped off the building."

"It took over an hour by subway to get back to the hospital. When I arrived at the hospital, my mom's rescue efforts had been in vain, and the hospital declared her dead. I remember... it was snowing heavily that day. When I walked to where she fell, there was a thick layer of snow, only leaving a shallow human shape. She left so cleanly, just like she had lived, leaving no trouble for anyone to clean up."

He finished speaking, took another deep breath, and then slowly, deeply exhaled.

In the dim night, Sailub couldn't see Thanapon's expression clearly, only the rolling of his Adam's apple-once again, he was struggling to control his emotions.

This time, there was a longer pause before Thanapon spoke again, his tone returning to calmness, "After my mom died, I assumed Tony was dead too. His death was the best outcome for me, without him, my mom wouldn't have ended up like this. But just over a month ago, on my birthday, he suddenly appeared."

Only then did Sailub speak up, "So that's why you injured your hand that day?"

"Yeah, I beat him up," Thanapon said, "This man disappeared for ten years, leaving a mess behind and indirectly causing my mom's death. Yet he had the nerve to show up in front of me, claiming he wanted to repent, to make it up to me. Ridiculous. And then... you know the rest. I told him to get lost, to never show his face in front of me again, and then he... committed suicide."

Thanapon finished his story, but Sailub didn't know what to say for a moment. Except for mentioning his mother's death, Thanapon's tone remained calm throughout, as if he were talking about someone else's experience.

"Last time you said that Tony's suicide wasn't my fault," Thanapon's tone turned cold, as if immersed in icy water, "Do you still think that way now?"

"Yeah," Sailub didn't hesitate at all, his tone calm but with a firm determination, "No one's death is your fault."

Thanapon looked at Sailub, saying nothing more.

The silence continued for a while longer.

Sailub sighed, about to say something, but Thanapon spoke first, his voice heavy, "Sailub."

In the past, Thanapon never used his name when speaking to him, so hearing his name from Thanapon felt somewhat unfamiliar to Sailub, but he didn't say anything, just asked, "Hmm?"

Through the darkness, Thanapon's gaze fell on Sailub's face, "If we lose this competition, we won't have many chances to meet again, right?"

Sailub didn't understand why Thanapon said that, but he still answered Thanapon's question, "Why would that be? If you want to see me, you can come to my place anytime. If I have time, I'll come to listen to you sing in the future."

"No," Thanapon shook his head slowly, "Don't come here in the future."

Sailub didn't expect him to say that, and was momentarily stunned.

Before he could say anything, Thanapon continued, "This isn't a place for someone like you."

"Someone like me?" Sailub paused for a moment before asking, "What kind of person am I? And what kind of person are you?"

Thanapon closed his eyes for a long moment, the lids covering his emotions, "I'm a villain. I've done more bad things than you can imagine."

But Sailub shook his head, "Thanapon, you don't have the talent to be a villain. Villains don't feel remorse, and they certainly don't take on others' faults as their own."

"Have you seen my mom's fate? Have you seen Tony's end?" Thanapon looked into the empty darkness, speaking softly, "Being with me for too long won't lead to anything good, only being dragged into the mud by me."

"I've said it before, none of those things are your fault," Sailub frowned, feeling the heavy sense of guilt emanating from Thanaponi.

Clearly, this entire situation was never his fault from start to finish.

"Thanapon, you've trapped yourself, do you know that? Because your dad evaded responsibility and disappeared, you've been afraid of becoming like him all these years. You've been forcing yourself to shoulder all the blame. Why do you do this? You're not your dad, you're not anyone else, you're just you. You have your own music to make, your own path to walk. Why punish yourself with other people's mistakes..."