Her thoughts.

1

When i was in 6th grade. i was bullied. I was bullied real bad because of my looks. And i was weak. So I told mom. and she always handled it.

Why was i afraid to even defend myself though? I've been asking myself that.

What made her so scared to even speak up and defend herself? Why? Why can't she get braver even for once.

Do they know how it felt when i walked with my head down, letting others throw words, hearing their laughs.. hearing their non-stop mock over my looks.. it made me look back before.

it was the same thing that happened to me when i was at 4th to 5th grade. nothing changes. they mock me. and make fun of my looks.

'Am i that ugly? Why do they hate me? Will they think otherwise if i make myself prettier?'

After that day, I was never okay. How could i be okay with my life? Why does..it ruins my little life?

I went home,not even telling my mom. Not wanting to prove them right that I'm a person who reports everything to her mom.

And..When i did that, I permanently stopped telling everything. i trained myself not to tell anything to my parents. Isn't it just funny to tell a grown adult about my small problem.. isn't it ridiculous?

It was almost graduation. but an pandemic was announced on every words. A deadly virus. Schools have closed, providing a homeschool for everyone to keep safe.

And i thought,it was good. Because I won't see them anymore. I won't hear anything from them. But it wasn't good. It was beginning of how my life gets more..Hellish.

The family stayed together on that house. They eat, talk, Bond. However.. The bonds weren't visible every fights. Every anger vents out, every voice spit every second. everything that makes them mad to each other. It's enough to even hurt each other.

I saw them. I saw them almost kill each other again. My mom was holding a knife. Threatening my dad to leave. With tears in her eyes, the frightened look. Dad has attempted to hurt my mom by raising a hand to her again. I had to watch it and stay quiet. I had to sit there and act like i don't hear anything. I had to stare at them blankly. I was scared to even stop. I was so scared to even..defend my mom. I was so scared of him. I was so scared of the man who made me. My mind..keeps running wild. I couldn't do anything.

'What to do.. I'm so scared..i wanna defend my mom.. please stop.. please stop hurting each other, please stop..stop.. stop..stop it!'

Screaming at my head..makes me go crazy. I I was so desperate to stop them but couldn't do anything but to stay silent. Every fights they had, It made me resent my dad. I hate him, i hate him so much.

After every argument they had..Mom would always come to me.

"Don't worry, You're dad's just like that, We should understand him."

"We're the only one he had, We should understand your dad."

"Don't hate your dad dear, he brought you to this world."

"If it weren't for him, You wouldn't be here."

And thoughts run to my mind..

'Is she sick? Is she.. stupid? is she..fool.. He hurted you! Why always put up the good words?!'

'I would rather not being born if being alive were just for me to suffer instead. I don't wanna live to only suffer.'