Her thoughts.

2

'All pasts are meant to be forgotten and to grow on it.'

Is that really working for me? I am so stuck. I am so stuck on this. How can i forget about this. How is it still worth it to live? why god stopped me from ending it all?

....

A few years have passed. All situations keep repeating. A cycle that never ends. she has endured it though, the more she grows up.. the way her mind works slowly changes.

A mind that knows everything, They made her know much. how she thinks every year, months, days. But they thought she knew nothing at all. They thought she was still young to understand.

'But i understand it all! i was all there every time it happened. Witnessing violence made my understanding more clear at a young age.

Spending Christmas, a new year with a family whose cycle never ends.. A deja vu.

Others say I'm lucky to have a complete family. Oh is it? I'm lucky? Everyone with a perfect family isn't that lucky. I wish people would think about their words. I guess, people Judge based on what they think.

I remember every guy i met online.  thought they could show me love that my i was expecting for long. But all of them felt like a repeated cycle.

They showed interest,love, but it always end the same way. Nothing surprises me.

A year ago, I met this one guy who fully ruined my whole trust in a man. He was the worst guy I've ever met.

He manipulate me, Controls me, and gaslights me. Even every argument, he's the only one whose at fault but fucking blame me for it.

Ridiculous isn't it?

However, i gave him all because I was too desperate for love. even with the 0% of emotional intelligence, I got so blind when i wanted love.

I hate arguments. it scares me. Every argument, i say sorry without knowing what i did. I was that pathetic. How could i trust that man?

Men scares me, i feel like..they are like my dad. Or..is it because no man have showed me warmth yet?

Love never reaches me, love makes me lose my self respect, craving for love..makes me ruin my whole life. expecting to be just loved just like i wanted to be.

So fucking delusional aren't she?

Maybe wanting someone to understand my story makes me desperate. god shai, You're really hopeless.

How hopeless is she to meet many guys just for that Attention? Why can't she be normal? whatever she does, It keeps hunting her back.

Her life seems worthless now. Everything she has gone through.. Her mind still reminds her of it. The memories that were supposed to be forgotten are coming back to her like a deadly one. It's killing her mind so bad.

"Lord, forgive her for being a sinner."

"Oh god, forgive her for the things she has done for love."

"Shila.. forgive yourself."

That's the only thing that comes up in her mind, trying to forgive her ownself .

Wondering won't do me good. It ruins me. Shes so stupid to think she needs love from anyone? She can love herself yet she didn't. She can treat herself better but look for someone to do it instead. Why? Is she too scared to accept that she can love herself? That's stupid.

It made her keep thinking much..Why is it so hard to love her?

"Yeah.. I'm still craving for love. I am craving for love so much. A love that i was longing for for years."

I remember telling that to my cousin, every damn time like i was crazy. that I'll do anything to get the love i wanted to experience.

How desperate huh?

I have a home. I have a food to eat. I have parents like them. I have..family. But why do i feel like it's not enough?it lacks something.. It lacks the wamth and gentleness.

Maybe it's time to give up. looking for love is ridiculous. Its time to love myself more.. I'm gonna write more and more to recognize myself. I'm gonna write to recognize my emotions. I'm gonna write..to figure it out myself.

Oh dear god, Please give this empty soul mercy. She is tired enough to keep going. Her mind is heavy now. Her heart feels empty too. everything about her is empty. Like hope has left her all alone. I bet she can't handle it. Her eyes are tired. Her body are tired, Her heart is tired.

Light has left her. Can she still take it back? Maybe not, maybe yet. Can she still hold on? can she still keep fighting? Can she..Handle this without asking for help from anyone and..the only way she has is to write.. write everything that her emotions lead her.

Emotions lead the mind and pen to write everything.

It's unfair how she was there for anybody but no one is by her side now. Ooh. Destined? Meant to be alone? its funny. After all, that is how she was made for.

She is tired..mentally, physically. Not even one person couldn't tell her.. "You did well." So I'm going to say it to myself, Afterall. I only have myself.

"You did well, take a rest now.."

With that last word, she looked around her room,and placed the pen down,closing her notebook and resting on her chair, sighing.

'Her house was a mess. Her room was just as messy as her mind. Everything is a mess to her. Everything kills her inside of her mind. Her thoughts kill her.

She went to bed,closing her eyes to sleep. Her body was exhausted. Not able to eat with her parents downstairs who's already eating without her.she refused to eat with them.