AFTERGLOW.| CYJ

49

Slightly explicit.

Yeonjun lay next to her with his arm supporting her head, his fingers caressing her hair as he observed the ceiling. She observed the ceiling as if something captivated her. The feelings that last night evoked were immeasurable, a splinter of hope that they could still be together. "How did we end up like this again?", he began, hazily twirling the locks of her with his fingers. 

Joohyun smiled sarcastically at the word again. There were too many agains in her life, and none of them were her best. She repeated the same mistakes, over and over again.

"I would have been happier if you said I wasn't your ideal type", she confesses, without thinking about the consequences of her words.

Yeonjun had never been so humbled so quickly, he chuckled, he didn't know if he loved her or hated her more. Last night was hazy and they say midnight feelings are the truest, the most honest and come from the deepest consciousness. 

"But you still want me because you know you'll be the one fucking my ass your entire life", she turned as she twisted on the mattress to lay on her side, he moves his head at the intensity of the words. Truth's never been louder. He gulped, afraid that he would spill something he shouldn't, but she is worse, still longing for Heeseung even when he hurt her so many times.

"I don't want to continue something that doesn't exist between us", she continued, lifting her hand up to his cheek, talking lowly. "I want us to be mutual. I don't want this love if it's one sided."

That's exactly the reason why he's finding it hard to break up with her. There's still something between them. It's undeniably passionate. He wants to let go, but a glimpse of her makes his heart flutter, he thinks of what could've, should've, would've been between them like other couples. Neither of them were at fault, only hurting themselves for longing for each other. It's a form of love that cannot be translated, nevertheless, be fixed.

There's nothing broken to mend, there isn't something to stitch or correct. They've already weaved themselves into each other's lives and now the threads were unwinding; it felt as painful as bare skin being stripped. But neither of them regret experiencing love , though in heights of madness, they found comfort in each other, cried on each other's shoulders and felt loved, but perhaps, they weren't meant to be one at all.

Joohyun regretted that he was her first love. But she would've loved it if he were her 10th, her 11th. She suddenly couldn't stop thinking about Silas, the things he made her feel that day. The way he loved her was nothing like how Yeonjun loved her. He took his own time to get comfortable with her body, he wasn't afraid to take the lead.

"I don't think...either of us will be fine without each other. We need to meet at least once a day", he says, sliding his hand on hers on his cheek, his warm touch grounding her.

"How do you not call that love?", she ridiculed twisting on her back to lay facing the ceiling.

"We can both leave this room after this, but I don't want you to think I used you for sex", he says, momentarily, sarcastically chuckling at the end of his sentence, "What if you used me instead?, I don't think I'll be able to take it."

"Yeonjun, please I don't..", she desperately stirred, raising up from the bed, "I don't want to fight with you again", she leaned over him as she rested her forehead on his.

"I..haven't had sex that feels like I'm being used, I consented it. I consented you. I was struggling with self-esteem and seeing you ignore but still showing you loved me made me feel like that. If I don't tell you all this, who do you think I could or would? You're my boyfriend, Yeonjun. I have to tell you this", she whimpered, gently pressing her lips after confessing. Anxiety gushed as she pulled away, but he found himself warming up her embrace as she reverted back to mattress pulling the duvet cover over as they cuddled.