saudade | s.j.

thirty

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Y/N's POV

It's a few days before Christmas. Rose and I have been out all morning, weaving through crowded stores, looking for the perfect gifts for her mom. She's been my little partner-in-crime, chattering excitedly about what Scarlett might like. But despite Rose's enthusiasm, a weight lingers on my chest.

The reality is that nothing has put a smile on Scarlett's face since she got home from the hospital.

And it's all my fault.

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*Flashback Third Person POV*

After Y/N left Scarlett's house that night, there was a flicker of hope in the air. The two of them had taken the first steps toward mending what had been broken. But as Y/N backed out of the driveway and started down the street, a nagging feeling settled in her gut. She patted her jacket pockets and cursed under her breath-her phone wasn't with her.

With Scarlett's house only four doors down, she decided to walk back instead of driving. Save some gas, she thought. The cold air nipped at her face as she retraced her steps, rehearsing what she'd say when she inevitably woke Scarlett. Knowing if it's one thing Scarlett loved it's her sleep.

When Y/N reached the front door, she punched in the familiar code to let herself in.

"Scarlett?" she whispered, careful not to wake Rose.

No response.

The house was silent, save for the faint hum of the heating system. Assuming Scarlett had gone to bed, Y/N turned to leave, but then she heard it-a loud thud, followed by groaning.

Her heart stopped.

She rushed toward the noise, dread tightening her chest with every step.

"Scarlett?" she called again, louder this time, her voice shaking.

When she rounded the corner to the base of the stairs, her breath caught in her throat. Scarlett lay crumpled on the floor, blood pooling around her legs.

"Scarlett!" Y/N cried, dropping to her knees beside her. She frantically pulled her up to her chest, her mind racing. "Stay with me, baby. Please stay with me."

Scarlett groaned softly, her eyelids fluttering but not opening.

"Okay, okay, I've got you," Y/N whispered, tears streaming down her face as she reached for her phone on the nearby table. She dialed 911 with trembling fingers.

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Y/N's POV - Present

I can still hear the sirens in my head. I can still feel the blood on my hands, see the fear in her eyes when she briefly woke up in the ambulance.

I should have stayed. I should've just waited to get my phone till the morning. I should've rung the doorbell.

I glance down at Rose, who is still oblivious to what really happened. I realize she's speaking to me and zone back into the real world. "Y/N, do you think momma like this?" I force a smile, nodding in agreement.

"She'll love it," I say, looking at her place the necklace in our cart.

She beams at me, her innocence a painful reminder that we have to tell her she won't be getting a sibling anymore.

After the accident, Scarlett spent a couple of days in the hospital, recovering from a concussion and a miscarriage. The doctors said she was lucky--that it could've been much worse. But what could be worse than losing your baby? Even now, back at home, she sits in the living room staring at a blank screen. She's been quiet, withdrawn, like she's trying to process everything on her own. And I don't know how to reach her.

Rose tugs on my sleeve, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Are you okay, Y/N?" she asks, her big eyes filled with concern. I kneeled down to her level, brushing a strand of hair out of her face. "I'm okay, Rosie. Just thinking about how much your mom's going to love these gifts."

She nods, satisfied with my answer, and skips ahead to the next aisle. I follow her, determined to make this Christmas special for both of them.

Even if I don't deserve it.

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Scarlett's POV

I can't stop replaying it in my mind--the fall, the pain, waking up to Y/N's panicked face hovering over me.

She saved my life. And yet, every time I look at her now, I'm reminded of how fragile everything feels. It's not her fault, but my mind won't let go of the fear. It can't let go of that moment when she told me what I had lost. What if she hadn't come back? What if Rose had been the one to find me?

I sit by the window, staring at the snow flurries outside, an unusual occurence for Georgia. My hand unconsciously moves to my belly, knowing that there is no longer a baby growing inside.

I hear the front door open and I don't even turn to look. I feel a tiny hand pull at my shirt. "Momma?" Rose's voice brings me back to attention. "Y/N and I are back from the store."

I turn slowly to face her, and she nudges herself between my legs resting her arms on my knees. "Hi," I say softly, my voice hoarse from all of the secret crying. I'm trying not to let Rose see how sad I actually am.

"Hey," Y/N replies, her voice just as quiet.

Rose doesn't think anything of it as she chatters away about the gifts they picked out and the gifts she wants from Santa. But I notice.

And I know Y/N does too.

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Rose has now gone to bed, Y/N lingers by the kitchen entrance, her hands shoved deep in her pockets. "Can we talk?" she asks.

I nod, gesturing for her to sit on the couch. As we sit, the silence stretches between us, heavy with everything unsaid. "I'm so fucking sorry," she finally says breaking down. She bends her head into my lap, wrapping her arms around my waist gently. "For everything--for not coming in without asking, for startling you, for hurting you."

"You were there when it mattered most," I say, surprising myself because I haven't been able to speak to her since they discharged me. "You saved me, my love."

She shakes her head, tears brimming in her eyes. "But I've put you through so much, and now this! I caused you to lose a child. I can't even look at myself, how could you possibly look at me? I don't know how to fix this."

"I'm scared," I admit, my own voice trembling. "Scared of how close I came to losing everything. But I'm trying, Y/N. One thing I do know is that you did not cause this. I slipped because I was wearing no-grip socks on wood stairs. I can look at you because I love you and that was never in question. There is nothing to fix because nothing is broken. Between us at least. You and Rose are my family and you're both here. With time the rest of my family will find out everything, but this right here is enough. Personally, it will take time to heal from losing the baby, but if I'm being honest, part of me is at peace."

I think about how difficult it was getting to come to terms with the fact that I was pregnant by Colin and it wasn't by choice. I was beginning to think that I wouldn't be a great mother because all I would see is him. But the minute I lost the baby, I just felt heartbreak.

She reaches out, taking my hand in hers. "I'm going to try with you. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." For the first time in days, the tension eases. It's a small step but it's a step forward.

I just hope it's enough.