Her life was far from perfect.
With an absent father, an alcoholic mother, and two younger siblings to take care of, Aurora never believed in an exemplary life for herself and therefore for others.
Everyone looked at her from their rose-colored gl...
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I'd been left alone after Faith disappeared with Oliver and his blonde-haired friend. I felt eyes sending chills down my back until Faith returned with an annoyed demeanor.
She explained to me what the real relationship between her and the two boys was; They were childhood best friends and she'd put them in their place about bothering me.
I knew what she meant by that; Who she meant by that.
The entire day would have bothered me more had it not been for my home life quickly stepping in to take my focus.
"Hey bud, how was school?" I tease, ruffling Jack's hair as we walk hand-in-hand to my car. Jack shrugs, pulling off his shoulders and tossing it into the backseat. "Okay, I guess." It pained me to see him so down knowing he'd had probably had an awkward day as much as I had.
"No new friends? No crushes?" Jack always had a defense to that question, immediately blushing or talking about new people he'd talked to back in California, but today was different. Instead, he shrugs, gets in the backseat, and ignores me, looking out the window.
A sting from behind my eyes.
This was for the best Aurora. We were close to going poor if we'd stayed in California.
୨୧
We decided against the park for today. There were already a lot of weird shifts in the air with new beginnings and I was one more sad wave from breaking down.
As we walked inside, the kids cringing at the weird smell, I noticed the laid-out empty beer cans all over our kitchen. I sigh, my already exhausted body pushing me to clean up after my mom.
"Why don't you two go watch some TV while I cook up dinner." Jack doesn't bother nodding or acknowledging me as he takes Mia by the hand and leaves me in the kitchen to clean up what he knew was our mom's choice of self-care.
Right as I'm opening the fridge, the dreaded dragging footsteps stop behind me. "The kids are in the living room if you'd like to step in for once and ask how their day was." My mom scoffs as if offended by the comment before saying, "I came in here to grab a snack not to be scolded. Move."
Im brushed aside, her hands reaching for a box of fresh strawberries I'd purchased last night. "You know, they're going to grow up and hate you if you don't pay attention to them. Jack is starting to distance himself from you. How does that not hurt you?" I snarl softly to keep our conversation in the kitchen.
"Jack is a big boy. He'll be fine." She replies as she turns to face me.
"And what of Mia? If she isn't with me or Jack she's at daycare. I'm sure she doesn't even know the difference between me and you. When she starts calling me mom rather than you, then what?"
"No one asked for your two cents, Aurora. How about you put yourself to some use and feed those kids, hm? You're all this talk of being horrible but you have every power to tell on me. Call the cops. But you stay here and do my job for me."
I blink. My hands fist under my sleeves because I swear all I want to do is hit something.
"You have no courage Aurora. None." My so-called mother gets in my face, her drunken eyes pinning me to my spot. "I'm going to stay this way, free, while you take care of the kids and never say a word because you're a coward. Be my guest, threaten me, and call me a bad mom, but you keep it this way. So if there's anyone to blame it's you."
Her words cut into my skin. Nothing was as painful as the truth.
I was a coward and weak.
My mom walks out of the kitchen with her hands full of groceries that were meant for the kids, not caring to apologize for the many beer cans across our kitchen.
My hands tremble with pent-up anger and loathing. Loathing that id built at school because I knew damn well that most of those people I'd seen pass by me in the halls had what I craved. Something right, safe, perfect, and just some peace.
The tears I've been holding back all week finally flood through the gates. I have to cover my mouth with my sweater sleeve to keep my whimper of agony away from the kids' ears. I was weak in many aspects but I'd die the minute my sibling would finally see me fall apart.
What made everything harder was that my siblings would lose hope if I broke down. I was all they had to anchor them. If I let any slip up through to them and they knew I was struggling, everything I'd built would tarnish in an instant.
There was no room for me to struggle. Not in front of them.
I crawl into an empty corner in the eerie kitchen and pull my legs to my chest. I lay my head on my knees and cry for half an hour before I realize I'm wasting time and making dinner.
There was no room for me to struggle.
୨୧
Everyone was asleep. I was awake.
2 A.M. flashed on the alarm clock that sat on my bedside table. It blinked at me as if mocking my trouble to quiet my mind and get some sleep. All the racing in my head that happened that kept me awake.
How could It be so difficult to fall asleep?
The recurring thought of knowing a way to get my mind to leave me be had been screaming at me for the past seven hours. It started whispering in my ear the moment I'd seen Jack's mood after picking him up. It once again called to me after I broke down in the kitchen.
"Please shut up." My hands tug at my hair, my body coiling into a ball on my mattress. The thought consumed me and I didn't want it to. I knew it was bad and I knew It was stupid it quited the mind.
My mind.
Fuck this.
Fuck me.
Fuck it.
And my last string snaps. The strength in me collapses to nothing and the aching need for that quite becomes vital. I don't have control over my moving hands as I pull my pants down and reach for the razor blade in my bedside drawer.
I hated my life. I hated this. I hated that I shamed my mom for her addiction like a hypocrite.
The pain rips through my body as the blade runs into the layers of my inner-thigh skin. And right when the blade lifts off my skin...
Quiet.
My mind goes quiet and an audible sigh falls from my lips.
Tears roll down my face, coating me in warmth. It felt like floating through space; the quiet that came after. It's so reliving that my body feels numb as I store the blade and pull my pants back on.
2:07 A.M. flashes on my alarm clock as my eyes finally droop in fatigue.
Quiet. Finally.
I'm completely numb as sleep wraps its arms around me and drags me into that familiar pit of nothingness.
