Saving Isabella

Chapter 24: Drowning

Very, very short chapter unfourtunatly, but I figured out thet something was better then nothing.

I'm currently seated on the floor with my back against my bedroom door. I'm always calm before I do this and while I do it, that's why I do it. I raise the blade up and bring it down with force quickly dragging it across my skin.

For being a problem

For being a disappointment

Because I can't do anything right

I'm unlovable

I couldn't protect Isabella

I'm weak

Mom didn't want me

I'm gay...

I look at the eight cuts on my arms. They're really deep, like really deep. Blood runs down my arm, onto my hand, reaching my fingers and falling onto the floor. I look at it, the blood, observing how it drips and pools onto the floor. I dip my other hand's finger in the blood and use it to make a heart on the floor. Nice.

I should clean this up, stop the bleeding, but I don't have the energy honestly. Usually I tell myself I'm fine, I don't have a problem, lately though I'm starting to doubt the fineness of my mental health, but there's nothing I can really do about it. I've thought about asking for help, seeing a therapist, but it's just too hard, I would have to talk to Arthur probably, and I already know how that's going to go...bad. I imagine the conversation going like this:

Me: Can I go to a therapist?

Dickhead (aka Arthur): Why the hell would you want that?

Me: I don't know, I've just been struggling lately, and I thought talking about it would help?

Arthur: Why can't you talk to Alex?

Or maybe he would get mad and yell at me again. I can't believe I cried in front of him, he's going to think I'm weak now. Even if he agrees to send me to a therapist, what good would that do? Everything I say would be reported back to my brothers, I wouldn't be able to talk about anything anyways since I would probably be sent away to a hospital or something. If my brothers ever found out about everything... Maybe they will look at me with pity or they won't let me be alone, always alert that I'm going to something, that would be awful. Everyone thinks we are this perfect family, but we are not, quite the opposite to be honest.

I get up sighing, I feel...dizzy. I walk to the shower and step inside, still fully clothed, turning the water on. Fuck thats hot! I lean against the wall so as not to fall. I whimper as the water passes over my cuts, washing away the blood. My clothes are soaking wet, their weight drags me down and I soon find myself sitting on the shower floor. I stay there, my legs crossed, the warm water hitting my head, running down my shoulders and back, onto my lap and finally into the drain. My arm hasn't stopped completely bleeding but the water meticulously cleans the fresh blood turning itself a light shade of pink. i zone out looking at

the drain, not thinking of anything in particular. I always feel guilty when I shower: I always take long showers everyday and the thought of the liters of water I'm throwing away makes me feel sad. But when I shower the warm water makes me feel as though someone is hugging me.

I wish someone would hug me, that they would take me in their arms and sit down with me, hold me close. Maybe even rubbing my back or stroking my hair, telling me everythings going to be ok, that they love me, that they'll never let me go. Instead my own mother didn't give a shit about me, she left me, alone. Dad too, but at least it wasn't his fault. 

I reallylove you guys comments, especially when you argue with the characters so hear are all the important characters so that you can tell them anything. 

Isabella

Dylan

Dominic

Elijah

Nick

Ryan

Lorenzo

Ezra

Arthur

Alex

Mom

Dad

Jack

Silas (Arthur's bestie if anyone forgot)

Any requests are greatly appreaciated, I am at a complete lossof ideas, so if you want anything, please, please, please ask.