NIKKI & JOE, CASUALLY | updates every monday

75: sense of security

            Though I only had a total of three cocktails tonight, I'm sure I'm drunk. My body buzzes as if bumble bees bob from flower to flower inside it. Even the tips of my fingers are in bloom.

Especially the ones twined with Joe's. After the workshop and dinner, we decided to walk a little before heading home. We've danced through topics all night though the silence is just as comfortable. The canal catches the sunset on one side and Walton Park sieves the spring breeze on the other, a chill emerging from the twilight. Her hand is warm in mine.

But it's restless. Joe taps my knuckles absentmindedly until she halts. 'I've got to tell you summat.'

'Did you just say "summat"?'

'No.'

'You did.' I don't attempt to disguise my grin as I turn to face her. 'You're speaking poor English. D'ya need to recheck your handy Oxford dictionary?'

She huffs, tells me to shut up. Her free hand moves to my compass necklace, inspecting it like it actually works and will point her in the correct direction. Her body inclines towards mine even as anxiety gathers in it.

'I've started antidepressants again. Different ones. So they might work better. But, um, yeah, it's probably going to be a bit rough while I'm adjusting.'

I squeeze the hand that's in mine. 'Alright. I'm here to support ya.'

'It's not the best time to start a relationship.' Joe attempts to stitch a laugh into the words but it only comes out bitter, in the same tone she uses to call herself incompetent. 'I know I made that whole speech about making it the right time but I just don't want this to fail because of something so stupid.'

'It won't fail. Joe, you deserve love even if you're difficult. Also my mental health ain't exactly tip top so it's not like it'll be one-sided.'

The breeze rustles behind her. Joe keeps playing with my necklace, trying to navigate her thoughts into a coherent sentence. It's nearly a minute until she whispers, 'Tamsin hated it every time I tried to start medication.'

'I'm not Tamsin.'

Her eyes finally slide from the compass to meet mine, fingers unravelling from the chain to flatten against my chest as she leans in. 'I'm also nervous about sex. Antidepressants famously make things hard in that department.'

'Makes things not hard, you mean?'

Joe hisses her laugh into my sternum and I let go of her hand to wrap my arm around her.

'It's alright. We don't need to have sex–'

'But it's important to me,' she interrupts. 'It's important to me to have a good sex life in a relationship.'

I nod though Joe is still nestled in my body and can't see. 'I'm sure we can figure out ways that you'll enjoy sex. I've googled about it before and according to my research, it is very much possible to enjoy sex on antidepressants, you might just need extra stimulation and maybe you won't come every time but sex is so much more than an orgasm–'

'Easy for you to say,' she snaps, but her irritation is taut from confined laughter. 'You're hard from one sexual thought and you come after five seconds.'

Though my face burns, I grin. 'Not five seconds. C'mon, at least ten.' I'm lucky not to faint when her giggles tickle down my chest. 'And you're still adjusting. You don't even know if it'll have that strong of an impact.'

'Thank you. I always feel safe with you.'

The words nearly knock me over with a punch of dizzying warmth. Joe steps away from the hug and I stumble without her bolstering, spine as useful as cooked spaghetti when the last blush of sunlight falls on her cheeks.

Her eyes flick away from mine as she digs summat out of her pocket. 'This may inappropriate first date conversation but you're the one who brought it up: Vivek gave me this advert for ten free counselling sessions for men of colour by masculine therapists of colour if you're interested. It's like a charity thing.' She offers me a turquoise pamphlet.

I hesitate to take it, caught off guard. When I do, I stare at it, flipping it over and back again. 'You're sure it's free?'

She points at the bottom where "no charges apply" is written in 3D print. 'It says it right there in big bold letters, Nicolás.'

'Alright, clever clogs.' With a final glance, I fold it along the crease Joe has established into the paper and tuck it into my pocket. 'Thanks. I'll look into it.'

I take her hand to continue our walk but her gaze is rooted into mine just as her feet are rooted to the paving stones. 'Can I kiss you?'

Goes without saying that there's no dimension in any multiverse where I would ever say no. But maybe I want to be a brat for a bit. So I narrow my eyes. 'Thought you said it's not allowed on a first date.'

'Well, it's the end of the date now. I'd very much like to kiss you.'

'You mean as a platonic coworker?'

'No, Nicolás, romantically.'

I bite down my smile, the flutter of my pulse too ticklish for me to dampen my giggling even when Joe cups my face to invite me down. I'm clumsy in my movement. My laughter becomes sugar in her mouth. I'm barely able to reciprocate the kiss for it, still grinning when she pulls back.

Clearly I'm delirious because her lipgloss is still sticky on my mouth when I blurt out, 'Will you be my girlfriend, officially? I know we've been on one date, but–'

'Yes.'

'So that means I'm your boyfriend.'

'That is usually how it works.'

My teeth have no hope of dulling my joy. 'Nice one. This were proper nice tonight, Joe. Can we do it again?'

'Go on a date?' she clarifies, eyebrows raised. '...Yes. I think that's usually what people do in a relationship.'

The garden blooms in every cell of my body. Then it shudders, each plant stills as though holding its breath, and the fissure cracks open. The hollowness of the canyon is so familiar I almost allow myself to fall into it. What if I become too heavy when it fills? What if the hollow has become a vital part of the landscape and life will decay in its absence? Will I ever be able to trust that the ground is solid beneath my feet?

She must be able to feel the echo because her thumb sweeps along my jaw, unlocking the words from my throat. 'This scares the fuck out of me, Joe. I think I'll keep waiting for summat to go wrong. I don't wanna sabotage it.' What if the garden wilts? What if the canyon is bottomless? 'What if I'm not good at it?'

'That's what the practice was for.' I hear the grin bloom and she shakes her head at her own joke. 'Nicolás, I'm not going to give you a star rating... We'll figure it out together, as a unit. Just tell me when you need validation and I'll give it to you.'