NIKKI & JOE, CASUALLY | updates every monday

77: achievement unlocked: contentment

            'We might have sex for the first time this weekend.' I admit defeat at Caleb's expression and correct: 'Sex for the first time as a couple. I want it to be special.'

'Special?' he repeats. 'When has sex ever been special to you.'

'Well... this weekend.'

Me and Joe have been dating for a bit over a month now. A month during which I keep waiting to wake up or for a camera crew to burst in. And a month during which Joe has not once been irked by having to reassure me that this is real, that I deserve all the excitement and joy and love I feel. That I'm not going to wake up one day and find her gone. And a month during which I've continued to reassure her that she is not incompetent, that she deserves this too, even if she's still healing.

Even though we're far from any sort of traditional dating path, we decided to leave sex oxf the table for a while. But Joe's staying with me for the rest of the week and we did talk about the possibility.

As in, she texted me: "Do you want to have sex this weekend?" And after my plain "yes", returned with: "It's not too soon for you? We can wait. I'm not here just for the sex. It's important to me that you know that."

Of course, I know that.

It's her birthday today. Joe didn't want to celebrate it in any extravagant way given it were the day of her breakup with Tamsin and she don't wanna overwhelm herself with potential triggers. She's been out with Eilidh and coming over later for us to have a quiet night in. No sex yet but I am baking a cake!

I inspect the artisan candles. It's Tuesday now so by the weekend, she might be feeling well enough not to find it overwhelming if I try to make it a little more romantic. But I've already made her a card—not like a "thanks for having sex with me" card, more of an "I'm glad to have you in my life" card. And now I wanna light candles?

'D'you reckon it's excessive?'

Caleb skids to a halt beside me. Apparently, the best part about having a prosthesis is that he can ride shopping trolleys again and he runs up and down the aisle every time I pause to scrutinize prices.

'I reckon if Joe had a problem with mushy gushy she wouldn't've started dating you. You wanna be her pet. It's natural. It's where beta males like you belong.'

Two passers-by on the opposite side of the home decor aisle snicker and Caleb grimaces. He tip-toes closer to me so he can whisper. 'Sorry for humiliating you in public. Don't get horny.'

My eyes cut to him. 'I weren't gonna.'

Caleb pats my arm. 'I'm gonna have to doubt that,' he declares and moves on before I can defend myself. 'Did Google tell you candles would make sex special?'

'No. Joe just well likes candles. Pretty sure her flat is a fire hazard twenty-four seven.'

'Go for it then. Light candles. Feed her strawberries. I think it's romantic.'

That's all the validation I need to add them to my trolley.

Caleb's right: Joe knew what she were getting into. And she's been just as eager to do all the cheesy relationship stuff as I have. I've already started my anniversary gift for her—not in a creepy way, I just need to press some wildflowers from each month. I've been saving things from all our dates—stupid stuff like the labels from her beer bottles or cinema tickets. Dunno what I'll do with them but I wanna remember each one.

Each date, I learn to love her a little more. Every day for the rest of my life, I'm going to learn to love her a little more.

Rather than run down the aisle again, Caleb walks beside me as I browse the rest of the homeware for both of our shopping lists. 'Thanks for coming to shop with me.'