Let The Rain Fall Down

What A Tangled Web We Weave When First We Practice To Deceive

I found letters Chloe had written to me over the years and had never shown me folded up in her diary, I was left with only her words and the memories I prayed were burnt into my mind – that they would never leave me. There was one I read over and over again, I could see the love behind every word, and the tears I had fought back from falling now fell freely as I read it over and over. As I read it for the last time I thought of the man waiting in an interrogation room beneath me, Edward Callaghan had answers to why my wife was dead.

My Darling Love...

You've been away working for three days now and I miss you... the bed we share is so big without you lying next to me and the house feels so empty without you and I moving around it together, they played our song on the radio as I prepared dinner and I imagined you and I dancing together as we have done so many times before. I promised myself that this time I wouldn't miss you – but as always your gorgeous girl misses you, it's supposed to be easy that the absence of you will make my heart grow fonder. Whoever wrote that saying has no conception of the love I feel for you, of how incomplete I feel when you are gone.

I don't know why I am writing this letter, I have nowhere I can send it, damn the bloody Official Secrets Act to Hell – the bloody law doesn't see the tears that fall down my face every night that you are gone from me. There is a pain so intense in my heart that I find I cannot breathe. Do you know that you're in my thoughts as I take a breath in and then out... that without you here to hold me, my mind and body lie still and dormant?

I'm lying here late at night and there is a calm in the world around me, our daughter's asleep finally after being read a story – she wouldn't let me read Cinderella to her, she said that was your story to read to her as you call her a Princess. It took me an eternity to find her one, and then Caleb wouldn't settle – see my love, your family are lost without you. Our bed is cold, your pillow in my arms gives me no comfort I can smell you on the cotton, the aftershave, the soap, the blend of essences that are truly just you and it reminds me that you are not here.

You would think I would be used to this by now, that the country needs you more than I do, but it never gets easier... I miss you and worry for your safety all the time. Come home to me my love... come home and hold me safe once more. I went and found that shirt you'd worn, the button had fallen off the cuff and you'd thrown it on the chair asking me to fix it, and I'd laughed as I don't even know how to thread a needle? Well I'm wearing it now... and those black pants of yours, I need something that is you near me, to try and find the warmth that only you can give me...

I hope wherever you are, that when you fall asleep each night you think of me as I do you... nights like this make me wonder how I ever lived before you were in my life – I think I was existing, waiting for you to find me that night. I hope you know that my heart beats only for you, for the deep love I feel for you and it's your love, your deep unmistakable sweet and beautiful love, trust and belief in me that makes me smile. Did I tell you, I love you before you left that morning, and I will still love you because I know you... I know you love me. This deep passionate love is ours... and as much as I hate this feeling, I love you and I will be here when you return to wrap you in my arms.

All these words I write, and I will never let you see them, I instead will be smiling and joyful that you are safe once more... until you are told you must leave us once more. I tell our beautiful children that Daddy is a hero, that you are keeping us all safe by just being you. I tell Aeryn that you my love, are stronger and braver than the heroes and princes in her story books because you're not riding a white horse or wielding a silver sword and she smiles. It's true my love, you are a hero, a true hero because you love with all of your heart, fight with every fibre of your being and return to your family to be the wonderful husband and father we all love so much.