My work

my own little wonderland

It all started with a dream, the dream of a reality in which my life wasn't a mess. In that world, everyone liked me, and for once in my life, it felt good to be alive.

So my only thought the whole day was to go back to this dream as fast as possible. And I did !

I was able to continue developing this utopia. I realised I could shape it the way I wanted to because it was all in my head. So I started going to this reality at night, when no one was there to watch, and then sometimes when I was bored.It was slow, but it felt good. It felt good to be cared for, to be loved by others.

Slowly, I started to enjoy my life there much more than my "real" life... my friend, I grew distant, but they assumed I needed space, so they unconsciously let me fall deeper in that world.

My mom noticed as well, but she did not knox what to do, after all everyone grieves in their own way, but as time passed, she grew worried that my state wasn't getting any better, quite the opposite. She did the only thing she knew could help me, and she brought me to a therapist. I did not want to go, so I stayed in my desired reality, locking myself in there. I was in a trance. No one could wake me up, no one but myself.I would just...lose myself, I suppose, but it felt good.

In this world, I didn't hold any pain. In that world, my dad was still with us. No one was lecturing me about my bad grades because I didn't have any.

I could shape this world exactly how I wanted it to be, and I would continue to do it until the end.

This world, my own little Wonderland, became my safe place.

I stayed there while the therapist was trying to wake me up, my mom crying next to her. They couldn't find me they couldn't reach me, no one could. After a while, I came back. The both of them were watching me with their eyes wide open.

The therapist, her name was Sophia, I think, asked me if I was comfortable with her asking me questions, and I agreed. I suppose I knew it was best for me, very deep inside though, even I didn't want to admit it.

She started questioning me, trying to discover my world, and for the first time in months, I felt listened to, I felt cared for, somewhere else than in my little Wonderland.

I started opening up slowly, answering to the best of my ability, giving details, and talking about the people inside this world and the way they act. It was going all too well, until she mentioned him, my father. Her question was innocent, trying to understand what caused me to create this dimension in my head, but it made me freeze.

The memories were coming back, the cries, the pain. I remembered his face, his voice, and tears started rolling down my cheeks.

No, no, NO, I can't be thinking about this, I can't be thinking about him, not right now, I'm not ready...

I was already preparing to go back to my world when Sophia said, "What about your mother? What will she become. She's in pain as well. She's grieving too."

I looked at her, tears still staining my eyes, as I pronounced my answer. "She is happy in my Wonderland, and I'll make sure she stays happy there. I will save her, I will save us. I can build this world however I want, I will do it, for the both of us".

And with that, I left.