Keep Your Eyes Open

I'm Not Okay

I thought I was going to be able to move on. I thought I was going to be able to put everything behind me and just push forward with my life.

I was so wrong.

After the first few days at being at my uncle's, I had rarely come out of the room I was staying in. I hadn't showered and they had been kind enough to let me eat in my room. My aunt came in at one point, giving me some clothes she got me. I muttered a thank you and nothing else.

I hadn't spoken to anyone properly for a while; I kept my thoughts and words to myself. I got given my aunt's old laptop and I had been messaging Vaseva and Rhys every so often.

Rhys often messaged me when he wasn't feeling all too good. His sister found him before very long, which made me feel a strange contempt feeling wash over me for a few moments. Vaseva had been fine, she had set up a happy life within a few days, but she constantly reminded me that she too had not emotionally moved on.

It comforted me knowing that what I was feeling was normal for my situation.

I never properly thought about it, but whenever I opened the bedside drawer with the glock in, it did gloss over my mind ever so briefly.

When I lay awake at night, I always thought about him. I wanted him with me, I wanted him by my side and telling me it was all going to be all right in the end. I longed for him, sometimes so much that I didn't sleep at night because it seemed like that was the only time I could properly feel his presence with me.

My aunt and uncle knew that I was not going to be ready to go to school any time soon, so instead they just put AQA books on my dresser as a sort of push to tell me to look over them again. On a few occasions I did, but I shut them almost immediately after.

Weeks passed, and my voice started nearly fading all together. I was watching Netflix, as I did when I was feeling a little better than usual, when Rhys messaged me.

I can't do this anymore

What's wrong Rhys? I typed quickly. I knew what happens when he messages me with stuff like that. He has been so close to going on so many occasions. I was the one to stop him.

I can feel her. And Harri, they're with me. I can hear her voice sometimes

What does she say?

That she loves me and she needs me with her. Tabitha, I need to be with her again

You will be with her again, just not now. It's too early

It's not, she told me it's the right time

Rhys, I know you love her, but she needs to wait. She can wait, the longer you hold on for, the longer she will be with you for

No, it doesn't work like that! I need to go with her now

Please, your sister needs you

She can handle herself

She would not be okay, if Rhys did go tonight, she would have lost two brothers.

She does need you Rhys, more than you know

I can't look in the mirror either

Why?

All I see is him. I didn't reply. I couldn't reply. I'm sorry Tabitha

No, Rhys stay with me

I can't

Rhys!

I'm sorry

No, Rhys stay with me here! It didn't register as read. I sent a few more, but he had gone offline. He had done it. I wondered if he was still alive now. Any moment could be his last. Or maybe he had already gone. I rushed to the window and swiped open the curtains. I looked up desperately at the stars, somehow hoping that they would tell me if he was still alive or not.

I realised how hopeless I was. He was somewhere else; I was not able to stop him this time. My head fell against the window sill and I collapsed on the floor, choking out sobs. I kept chanting no no no.

The chime of a new message made my heart leap. I got up and rushed over to my laptop.

Hello? This is Rhys' Godmother, who are you?

I'm his friend. Is he... Still here? My heart thumped heavily against my chest.

No, I'm afraid not. I bit my tongue so hard I started to taste blood.

I'm sorry. But I really must go, I tried to help him but it didn't work

It is alright. I slammed the laptop lid shut and wrapped myself in my blankets. I cried into the blankets for god knows how long.

When I finally did emerge from the blankets, the sun was just peeking through the trees. I had lost someone else, and I was the last person he talked to. It reminded me so much of Harri.

The weight on my heart only started to increase after that day. I had started studying again, but if I did it for too long my head started to pound.

However, it was a few weeks later when I realised I was definitely not normal.

I saw Harri whilst awake and in the middle of the day. He was standing outside the kitchen window, but he wasn't alive. He was dead. He had the bullet wound in his head and blood was seeping through it. I tried blinking but he was still there. He wasn't leaving.

It was the first time I was scared of Harri.

Harri began appearing more and more frequently. Sometimes he was alive and happy. Others he wasn't. But the scariest time was when he was dying. He was begging me to keep him alive, to give him the antidote. I kept screaming at him that I couldn't, that I didn't have the antidote.

My aunt and uncle were at work when it happened, so nobody came to help me.

I was suffocating in my own mind, I couldn't escape the hallucinations. Although, after a while they didn't feel like hallucinations any more.

I felt him next to me one night, I felt his hands around my neck. All I could think of was the dream I had on the plane, and Harri promising me he would never hurt me.

But my tears and burning throat contradicted that promise.

The next day I saw that bruises had formed where his hands had been. I put mine over the top.

They matched up perfectly.

I had choked myself that night. It wasn't Harri or some crazy hallucination. It was me. All me.