Spiral of Ants

Hand in Unlovable Hand

Massive TW for this chapter

It explores Ben and Ezra's relationship, which is extremely toxic and is based off of abusive dynamics I've seen in my life.

This chapter contains heavy themes of abuse of power and manipulation. I trust your media literacy enough to know this is in no way romanticization, I am trying to reflect a negative dynamic wholly. If these are topics that will be harmful to you, please feel free to skip this chapter. Be safe <3

Aseil, true to his word, was quick to find some time to hang out with Ben one on one. They went out for lunch.

Ben quickly found conversation difficult, however. His whole life revolved around the lab. Around Ezra. He had nothing else to talk about, and unfortunately for him, Aseil seemed genuinely interested in getting to know him.

"Are you from around here, Ben?" Aseil asked.

Ben shook his head. He decided he'd try to stay as close to truths as possible. Hopefully in doing that he wouldn't have to keep track of the lies. "No, I moved here from the east coast a couple years ago. How about you?" he asked, in his ever constant attempt to deflect the focus back to Aseil.

"More or less. My hometown is a couple hours from here. A pretty small place. The east coast, huh? That sounds pretty far. What brought you all the way here?"

"Work" Ben answered, focusing on his menu. He wasn't used to people listening enough to give follow up questions. Heaven knows Ezra hardly heard him.

"Oh really? What's your job?"

He had prepared for that question "A pharmaceutical company."

Most people saw pharmaceutical companies as shady. Secretive. It would explain any vague answers when talking about work, plus he WAS a scientist. He knew more than enough to pretend to work in pharmaceuticals.

"Oh wow, fancy"

"I guess." Ben said, hesitating. He wanted to be open with Aseil. No one had listened to him in so long. If he couldn't be honest about the actual situation, could he at least be honest about how he felt..?

–

"I can't..." Ben took a breath "Ezra, you don't understand. I can't see my family anymore."

The head scientist leaned forward, clasping his hands together on his desk "No one is stopping you, Ben. You have plenty of PTO saved up"

"You don't..." Ben took a breath. Arguing with Ezra when emotional never ended well. Using emotion was the scientists strength, after all.

"You're not listening to me. I can't look them in the eyes. What do they do when they ask about my job? My life?"

"You do what the rest of us do and lie, Ben. If you're not cut out for this job you can always quit."

"You know as well as I do that's not an option. You can't just.. Unknow and undo everything you did here"

"Then we're at an impasse. What do you expect me to do? This is just the nature of this job."

—

"I don't like it much, honestly" Ben relented, unable to draw his eyes away from the menu. To look at Aseil.

"Why not?" Aseil asked curiously.

"A lot of reasons" Ben found the words falling out now. Against his will. "I don't like what we do. I don't like how it makes it hard to have a social life, and I don't like... I don't like my coworker. But I do? It's not... it's not good. It's not healthy"

Aseil looked empathetic "Is it like... a relationship?"

"I don't know. Most of the time he doesn't act like it. And we probably arn't in one... but every once in a while he'll play into it. He'll play into it hard. I think it's a game to him... and I know that but I just feel so stupid when it comes to him... And I can never help but feel... hopeful, whenever he pretends there's something" Ben wanted to stop talking. But he had started. It felt like a kettle letting out steam, screaming as it tried to release pressure.