Spiral of Ants

All I Have

Aseil knew what was happening now. Mike had told him, and despite not trusting Mike, Aseil believed him.

Not that it fixed anything. He knew it was still happening, considering every time Aktal showed up, Aseils heart pounded in his ears. The fact that every time he left it took Aseil longer and longer to start functioning again. He still couldn't remember though. Aseil found himself wishing Mike hadn't told him anything. Ignorance is bliss.

Aseil would have rather believed he was just scared of a cosmic entity being mad at him, rather than the truth. The reality being that Aktal was killing him. Over and over and over again. When alone at night Aseil found himself wondering about the details despite himself. Was Aktal killing him the same way every time? Or was he getting creative with it? It seemed to just be him lashing out for his own sake, meaning the deaths probably weren't fast.

Aseil had grown more and more jumpy. Less and less alright. Eventually, one day when Aktal showed up, Aseil spoke despite his better judgment.

"I know what you've been doing. To me" He said.

Aktal said nothing for a moment, staring at Aseil. His expression gave away nothing. Eventually he spoke "Interesting. And how did you find out?"

Aseil had expected anger. Maybe for him to storm off. Maybe to lie or backtrack. This... calculated response was a little frightening to him. He wasn't sure if he should answer. What Aktal was going to do next.

"Mike told me," he eventually said.

"Who?"

"Apollos microphone. T-technically Apollo? He let me name him to make things more simple"

"I see" Aktal said, seeming a bit dissatisfied. But to Aseils surprise (and relief), not angry.

"Maybe that was a bit... Immature of me. No matter how small you are, you are a life form capable of reason" Aktal said.

It was... backhanded. But it was something. Genuine acknowledgment that Aseil had his own reasoning skills. For once.

"Contrary to what you might believe or how you see my actions, Aseil, I don't hate humans. You're not good and you're not bad. You just are. And I have absolutely nothing against that. You all can live, interact, use this planet however you wish. It doesn't matter. All you effect is yourselves. All you have is yourselves. So obviously this all feels very important to you. Your life is the only and most important thing you'll ever have." He said, beginning to pace.

Aseil had a knot in his throat. He had no clue where this was going, but this was the most Aktal had ever actually acknowledged Aseil and had been willing to level with him.

"So I understand your perspective, Aseil. Maybe not what it's like to be you, but I understand where you're coming from. But now I ask you to understand where I am coming from. Now I understand you can't comprehend it all, It would break your psyche"

Aseil opened his mouth to finally try to defend himself but Aktal cut him off.

"And before you tell me I'm belittling you, I'm not. It's just the truth. Give me a moment, I'm trying to think of a way to best show this to you without breaking you" he said.

"Are you... being genuine here? This isn't like a mind game or anything?"

"I have nothing to gain from playing mind games with you. I'm here simply to bring Apollo home. What I did to you before was me lashing out in anger. That wasn't the best decision, I can acknowledge that. So yes, I am 'being genuine here'"

It wasn't exactly an apology but it was the closest Aseil would get.

Atkal finally stopped pacing "I think I've got a way to explain" he said, pressing his hands together before pulling them apart. Between his hands was what looked like inky smoke, but as Aseil looked closer he could see miniature stars and milky ways in it.

He frowned softly "What's that?"

"This" Aktal said "is my perspective. Now this is a much more... simplified scale, of course. All of existence is much larger than this. Larger than even I and the other gods. But for the sake of explaining to you, in my hands I have a replica of the part of the universe you are in right now" he said, shifting it to one palm, and pointing to a small swirl in the smoke

"This is your milky way. And you humans know your scale in the milky way by now, right?" Aktal asked.

Aseil nodded "yeah I've seen a few videos on it"

"Alright, perfect," Aktal said. It was odd to have a real conversation with him. Where he was actually talking to Aseil, not just monologuing about one thing or another.

"And time is relative, you've all figured that out by now too, right?"

Aseil nodded.

"So the 200,000 years Apollo has been here, experiencing it as 200,000 years, whether he remembers it or not, has been comparable to a few weeks, for us. Which isn't all that long. Apollo has wandered from your home for a few weeks before, right?"

Aseil once again nodded. It always sort of worried Aseil, considering Apollo didn't really understand phones and so didn't call. But it happened.

"Apollo has always been like that. It's what you humans adore about him. He's always loved exploring. Existence is infinitely huge, and Apollo has always adored how much there is to see. It's never been uncommon for him to leave us other gods for a while at a time to explore. However, similar to how this world and other humans is all you have, the other gods are all we have. And there's not very many at all. Nothing else could possibly understand us. Nothing else will exist as long as us. Our only options for genuine, lasting connections is ourselves. And so Apollo was... is, to me what he is to you now."

That froze Aseil in his tracks. "You two were dating?" Aseil asked.

"Dating is a very... human term" Aktal said "I hesitate to describe it that way. But it's the closest thing I have to explain it to you, so yes" he said.

"However, we never 'broke up'. It might have been hundreds of thousands of years for him, but for me it's been weeks" Aktal said, anger finally slipping back into his voice. He closed his hand around the smoke, causing it to disperse and disappear "So from my perspective, I go looking for someone who is my everything, thinking maybe he just lost track of time. And when I found him, only weeks later, he's replaced me. Not only that, but he doesn't. Even. Remember me. I do not hate humans, but you, Aseil. I can't help but hate you. Even if you didn't know, even if it really isn't your fault."

Aseil felt deeply uncomfortable. When Aktal put it that way... it really did sound like cheating. Granted, Apollo didn't remember Aktal. It had been thousands and thousands of years for him, too. But Aktals rage... it made an uncomfortable amount of sense.

"And now, I'm stuck here. I can't just leave him. Honestly, I'm thankful to learn about... Mike, I believe you called him?"

Aseil nodded "y-yeah"

"Mike. That means that Apollo isn't fully jammed into that one little body. It physically hurts, Aseil. This body isn't big enough. It's not right. I worry that Apollo being in this form for so long has broken him. He can't stay here forever. You know as well as I that this world will end. One way or another, he will eventually be released from this planet. And I genuinely don't know how Apollos transition back into what he should be will go. I want to be there for him with it. I want to bring him home in the most controlled, safe way possible. But you have made that remarkably difficult, Aseil"

"I-I know" Aseil said softly "I know he shouldn't be here... I want him to be safe. I've tried to make him go home before"

Aktal was silent for a long moment before saying "So I believe we properly understand each other. Or at least as much as either of us are capable of understanding the other's position, yes?"

"I- I think so, yeah. Does this mean you're not going to kill me anymore?"

"I still truly despise you, Aseil. That being said, my immaturity isn't going to get me what I want. So yes. Fine. I won't do that anymore"