Diary of a Dirty Cowboy

Chapter One

* * * *

June 6th, 2005

Dear Jesse,

It feels a little crazy, writing to you, but I guess it ain't any stranger than talking to horses, and I do that every day. I feel like I've been standing on the sidelines watching my own life unfold, and now I'm wondering what comes next. Graduation, Marine Corps, girlfriend... At least I hope I get a girlfriend. I don't know where or how to start, Jesse! I've been going to school, working on the ranch, tailing after my big brothers for so long, I don't have any idea how to lead my own life! With you gone, I don't know who to look up to, I don't have anyone to talk to anymore.

Clay turned on me, Jesse. After you died, he lost his sense of humor altogether. Everyone knows I got two left feet and my eyes don't work, but when I trip up, as I'm nearly always likely to do, he don't laugh it off anymore. He just swears and walks off, leaving me looking stupid. I hate feeling like a loser all the time.

Today is the first day of my last "summer vacation." "This is the first day of the rest of your life, boy!" Daddy said to me this morning. I guess he thought he needed to start me off with a few words of wisdom. Then he told me to be sure to take your horse, Rowdy, over to Decker's place for some new shoes. Rowdy is just as wild as ever, brother. Can't nobody ride him now, not without getting thrown, and he goes through horseshoes like a well-heeled woman. So, I guess I'm starting my "new life" doing pretty much the same old thing.

They held commencement on Sunday; 1500 proud family members crammed into a barely ventilated gymnasium, with the dank air drifting in from the locker rooms smelling just like the bottom of my gym bag after track practice. Everybody was sweating like a pigs, using their programs as fans. Mama had me decked out in my full Sunday suit, including jacket and tie. I was sweltering beneath that heavy purple gown, and I could feel the perspiration running down my sides like a river, trickling down my legs and into my shoes. If Sunday was any indication, we're in for a blistering hot summer.

I'm sure glad to be out of that school. You and Clay were the hometown football heroes while you were there, and I never did manage to live up to everyone's expectations. I'm looking forward to being something other than a disappointment. I figure the Corps is my chance to prove I can be good at something Daddy don't think of as "sissy." He never did make it to any of my track meets. You know him, if it ain't the gridiron, it ain't worth his hard-earned free time.

Clay's on the outs now with Savannah, they're always fighting and making up. He dates bimbos in between times just to get her goat. He brought a little blonde gal along with him to the ceremony, blonde hair, blue eyes, and built like a brick shithouse. He knew Savannah would be there. I couldn't hardly look at his date, she was dressed so sexy. She sat next to me at lunch and put her hand on my arm, gave me a little squeeze that had my balls tied in knots. She was trying to be nice—you know, to impress Clay. Girls never talk to me. I'm such a damn social retard. I had cake in my mouth when she leaned over to congratulate me, and I choked and spit it right into her cleavage.

Damned if she wasn't real gracious about it, but the whole time I was trying to apologize, I just kept thinking about licking the frosting and crumbs right off of those perky little tits.

I had to scoot closer to the table real fast to hide my boner and I hit my elbow on the edge, right on my funny bone. Damn it, it seems like I'm always making some stupid scene around girls.

Remember that time, when you were teaching me to drive? Tina Lister walked up to talk to you outside the Tasty Freeze, and I accidentally put the car in reverse and ran over her foot. I was so wigged-out I put it back in drive and ran over it again before you slammed it into park. I'm working at the Tasty Freeze this summer, so Tina decided she likes Dairy Queen better.