Diary of a Dirty Cowboy

Chapter Seven

July 9th, 2005

Dear Jesse,

I almost can't stand to write to you today. I'm reeling from what we found in your bedroom yesterday, Jesse. It made us all question everything we thought we knew about you, about that night at the lake... "Academic Probation!" You were flunking out of school? About to get cut from the team? If I'd have put my hands on that letter first, I'd never in a million years have showed it to Mama. She was heartbroken, almost as much as the night you drowned. We were all thinking it, but nobody was saying it... Suicide. Did you drink yourself into a stupor and dive in on purpose? You'd been drinking so much lately, for weeks before it happened, I can hardly remember seeing you sober. You was fighting with Glory almost every day, not coming home til' the ass-crack of dawn, smelling like a barroom floor and just as filthy.

We haven't had a peaceful house since you died, Jesse. We need your smile, your humor, the way you kept us all laughing and liking each other. Without you, we don't know what to say. We don't know how to get along without you, that's the long and the short of it. We're like a bunch of silent strangers at the dinner table. Mama don't even sit down and eat, she just brings the food out and shuffles in and out of the kitchen with dishes. Daddy sits there with a frown on his face, like he's daring me or Clay to say something stupid. I eat as fast as I can and then help Mama with the dishes, at least she smiles at me once in awhile. Clay eats like a pig and belches right at the table, trying to get a rise out of Dad, looking for a fight any way he can get it. Dad just sits there turning purple til he can't take no more, then they go at it, loud as mules. Mama and I stand in the kitchen until we hear a crash, then mama walks out swinging a wooden spoon, and after a couple of swats they break it off. Daddy sits down with a beer in front of the tube and Clay takes off in the truck, peeling out of the driveway like an asshole.

I don't even know my own life anymore. I used to be the youngest son in a happy family. Sure, I was the gangly, half-blind dork, but I belonged. We were a team! You and Clay always made me play, even though I was never any good at sports. You always made me try, and you were proud even when I fell flat on my face.

Did you think we wouldn't understand? Why didn't you come to us and tell us whatwas going on? Football ain't everything,Jesse! It ain't worth losing your life! It ain't worth losing a brother; it ain'tworth losing a son! I don't know whatyou were thinking. I don't know whetheryou were just out there fooling around, being stupid, or if you just went anddid the most selfish thing a person can do. Either way, I'll neversee your face again, at least not here on earth, and I'm so mad I almost hateyou for it. 

*****

July 11th, 2005

I confess, I thought I wrote you your last letter a couple days ago. I'm still mad, because you weren't smart enough to come to your family right away, to know we'd understand, we'd still be proud of you, we'd still love you just as much, no matter how much you messed up.

Glory came by this morning. I answered the door and there she was, pale as a ghost, tracks down her cheeks from tears she'd been crying over you. She works at the bar where Clay always drinks, and she heard him talking about you, he was mad as hell about that letter, and fixing to take it out on the first person who looked sideways at him. You know Clay... Anyways, Glory put two and two together, and came over to set the record straight.

She went straight to Mama. "I know what you think, but I want you to know, it was an accident! Jesse was being stubborn. He wanted to get his grades back on track by himself, to get the probation lifted so y'all wouldn't have to find out about it. He was under so much pressure from the coach, from his professors, from himself! He loved being the 'golden boy,' the family hero." She smiled and sniffed a little. "I couldn't make him get help. I tried! I was tutoring him myself in Biology and History, but the practices were so intense, he just didn't spend enough time on his studies. He was gonna tell you, over break. He swore to me he would! I was there that night..." She put her face in her hands, and Mama had to help her into a chair to keep her from falling over. "Anyways, we were out at the lake, just enjoying the night and getting a little buzzed. We were gonna camp out in our sleeping bags. It was just plain mischief that got him in the water. You know how he was... A couple of our friends were splashing around and he dove in and started swimming for the platform, he wanted to show off. I was yelling at him to come back... But he wouldn't listen. He was standing there laughing, 'how much you wanna bet I can do a backflip into the water?'" She smiled and sighed. "He did it... He was so beautiful, so quick and strong. He started swimming back; we were all laughing, watching him show off. We thought he was fooling around at first, when he went under. He must've got a cramp or something. I kept thinking he was swimming underwater, that he was going to pop up near the shore and scare the crap out of me. He was always doing that!" Glory was crying so hard, she could barely get it all out. "I called 911 right away, just a minute later, but it was hopeless! The lake was so dark." She looked at all of us, "I could barely face y'all at the funeral. I feel halfway responsible, I shouldn't have let him go in that water! I guess I thought you'd never find out about the academic probation, I just didn't want you to think any less of him. He would have gotten back on track after break, I know it!"

Mama was smiling a little through her tears, because she knew you, she knew the story was true, you would've come home and set things right. She shushed Glory and stroked her hair. "Honey, you couldn't have stopped him. He was who he was. I feel so much better now, knowing he died just 'being Jesse,' he loved to show off, and he was a good boy, a good man. You've given our family peace of mind, Glory; when we needed it so desperately!"

The rest of us (men) just stood around looking stupid, trying not to cry. Man, Glory is some girl, brother. I know why you always hung onto her, all through high school and into college. She was really in love with you, she still is, I can tell. I think she acts like she does to keep from getting hurt, to keep you first in her heart. I'm not sure I should've told her, but I thought you'd want me to... I told her what you told me when you were packing to go back to school at the end of the summer, remember? "I'm gonna ask her to marry me after we graduate, Cody. I know I never dated anyone else, but I always had my hands and my heart full of Glory, and I never wanted anything else. I know I never will, so I'm gonna try to make her my wife. I just hope she'll have me."

Mama heard me say it and started crying again, she ran upstairs and I took off after her to see if I could fix whatever I'd fucked up. She went straight to your room, to your old sock drawer. She pulled out a black velvet box and went downstairs with it, her eyes shining like bright pennies. She walked over to Glory and held it out. "I found this in the dresser beside his bed, and I always wondered... I didn't know for sure and I didn't want to make a mess of things, but now I'm sure this was for you." Glory opened it and we all had to look away, because not one of us had a dry eye in that room. Glory put that pretty little promise ring on her finger and kissed Mama hard on the cheek. "You can't know how much this means to me!" Mama hugged her hard. "I know exactly what it means, honey. I'm so proud of him for choosing you! Now you keep that ring, and remember him by it, and don't you ever call me anything but 'Mama' from now on!"

I would've been proud to call her my sister, Jesse.

Stay loose, and we'll see you again, someday.

*****