Diary of a Dirty Cowboy

Chapter Eleven

November 23rd, 2005

I got a letter from Dad today.

Dear Cody,

Clay and I have been talking. I know that sounds like a load of crap, but it's true. We're trying to get along these days. I guess I owe you an apology, son. The same apology I owe Clay. I'm so, so sorry you thought my pride was all tied up in Jesse. I'm so sorry you boys thought I wanted all of you to be football heroes... Maybe because I went to all of the games, maybe because I coached a couple of teams and always put the football trophies on the mantle... I can't help who I am, buddy. I'm a football fan. I have always been proud of ALL of you! I was proud of Jesse, sure, but not because of the game! I was proud of the way he played, with his whole heart, just for the joy of tossing that long pass, or running the ball up the field. Jesse loved football the same way I do, so I loved watching him play.

I am just as proud of you, just as caught up in your "moments!" When you graduated with honors, I was as proud as I've ever been in my life! You really grew into your own, this summer, Cody. It's hard for me to tell you this, but... I'm scared of letting you go. I worry about what your future holds, especially since you've chosen to serve our country. I'm so scared something will happen to you, I can hardly look at you without tearing up, and I don't want you to see me like that. I'm so proud, my heart feels too big for my chest sometimes.

I'm just trying to say, just because I went to all the games and cheered the loudest, doesn't mean I didn't notice everything my sons achieved. I remember when you won the spelling bee in the third grade. I remember when Clay took first place in the 4h competition for his goats. I remember when you were barely nine-months-old, and you suddenly took off walking, following your older brothers everywhere they went! You were always a little quicker with everything. I don't know why you think you're so awkward, Cody. You've always been a natural athlete, except for that eyesight. When you were barely a year old, I came into the living room and found you hanging halfway up the drapes. You were climbing up after one of the cats. You were always so much stronger than your brothers! I hope you're learning your true strength, son.

I owe you thanks, as well. For having the guts to tell Clay off and bring him back around. I've been scared for him ever since Jesse died. I was scared if I talked to him, I'd push him away, and if I didn't, he'd run even faster. I didn't want to lose him, Cody. I don't want to lose either of you.

Be a good boy, and come home to visit your mother for Christmas. We miss you.

Love, Dad

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