TNN Poems

9 lives - Me

URGENT - YOU NEED TO READ THIS BEOFRE YOU READ THE POEM JUST SO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MIGHT BE READING BEFORE YOU GET INTO IT AS IT GETS DEEP.

A/N- this is my remake about the 9 lives poem I don't know if you're seen it and also I know this ain't TNN but this is an itch that I need to scratch.

It's got a lot of deep things in like mentions of suicide, mentions of self harm, mentions of SA, mentions of blades, and obviously mentions of death.
If you aren't comfortable with any of them topics then I suggest you don't read this poem and it does get quite deep.
The only reason that I've written this is because something happened to me recently and I realised that the fear people have about speaking up about it is real, but it's also needed, you need the people around to support,
If you have gone through any of the things mentioned in here, or just need someone to talk to then my TikTok is .shibbys_wife you can message me on their if you need to talk.

Anyway enough with the waffle, if you are reading this then I hope you like it and I want whoever is reading this to tell me what you think in the comments.
Thank you
and
Enjoy x
—————————————————

IF YOU DIDN'T READ ANY OF THAT AND YOU DIDN'T SEE WHAT THIS POEM HAS IN IT AND YOU HAVE TRAUMA FROM THINGS IN ITS CONTENT BUT YOU DIDN'T READ MY URGENT MESSAGE THEN THIS IS THE TIME TO TURN BACK AND IF YOU DON'T THEN YOU CAN'T BLAME ME BECAUSE IVE TRIED TO WARN YOU

If I had 9 lives then I wouldn't know what to do,
I might just spend the first,
outside,
sitting,
Waiting for you,
Back to where we'd explore,
With a walk in the old forest,
Our hands and our knees sore,
From all the bushes where we used to fall,
Stumbling over,
New cuts and bruises,
Our mums familiar tuts from behind the front door,
The same old sting of the antiseptic wipes,
Tending to our injuries,
And drying our eyes,
The very first life would just be for you,
Endless possibilities of what we would do.

In my second I'd simply just follow their advice,
Get a job,
Find a man,
A family,
Something nice,
Spend my days in a armchair,
Watching over the kids,
Little memories remind me of where we begin,
Where we grow old together,
Our lives no longer tied with that invisible tether,
Hope grew small as we grew apart,
This new family is where I will live,
Be a housewife,
To cook and clean just for him,
Take the kids home from school,
To get home where lights are dim,
Put them to bed,
And read them goodnight stories,
Wishing you were by my side,
Acting out characters,
Doing the voices,
The chance of this now gone,
Quite slim.

In my third I'd run free,
Almost zero responsibility,
Go out drinking,
Smoke a joint,
Could possibly be wondering what got me to this point,
Maybe the times where I'd mess around in school,
Roaming the halls,
Throwing the odd stool,
Right at the teachers,
Is where I would cuss,
Don't care about my behaviour,
What even is all that stuff,
As I walk down the streets,
Of old London city,
All these butterflies inside making me giddy,
But still I want you by my side,
Matching clothes,
Same laughs,
Just following my stride,
Right and the left,
Is where we are now,
We created this divide,
How do we get back,
To living the same life.

In my fourth and fifth I'd send myself away,
Somewhere in the army is where I would stay,
Practice how to shoot,
How to ration,
How to save,
Save the people around me,
And myself most importantly of all,
Surrounding myself with those young or tall,
We all get together,
To fight those we don't like,
The demons that stand on the other side of the line,
Defending my country,
Figuring myself out,
Creating new friendships,
Coming on leaps and bounds,
When I retire in both lives,
I do the same thing everyday,
Stare and my medals,
My uniform,
My beret,
Just thinking about all the lives I saved,
Thinking that maybe one day,
I'll get the congratulations I deserve,
With you by my side,
For you my life I'll reserve.

In my sixth life I'll try to stand out,
Do the things people don't dare to think about,
Go skydiving,
Paragliding,
Diving,
The whole lot,
New scars from each and every spot,
Each place I discover with you in my mind,
Trying to make up for all the lost time,
I get every tattoo that I could possibly dream of,
Get new piercings,
Dye my hair funky colours,
People laugh and point but for me,
I use it to make up for what I've forgot,
The things we said we'd never do,
Each new line of ink or metal under my skin,
Is me breaking a vow,
That we ourselves made,
I just don't know how,
How I've become someone so unrecognisable,
How my life has change with you not around,
How I feel alone day in and day out,
Just wondering if there was anything I could have changed for this all to come out,
Come out differently so you were by side,
That's all in the past,
Now we've changed,
There's no chance for us now.

In my seventh and eighth I'll be boring,
Become a teacher,
an accountant,
The sort of person we'd make fun of,
We'd say how we could never,
Because we couldn't be trapped,
Trapped in a life with no reward,
A life where we'd be threatened of falling overboard,
Spend the rest of my days in an office,
Typing endlessly on a faded keyboard,
Becoming some sort of email writing novice,
I'll try and try for something like a promotion,
But never truly get it,
My life always just one slow motion,
But chaotic like an ocean,
Struggling to come up for air,
In a life that's truly just not fair,
I'll live pay check to pay check,
Hard times trying to pay,
Pay for the rent,
My food,
And all bills I need everyday,
Just wishing and waiting for my time,
Time for this all the end,
When I can get out of a life I so badly do not want,
This experimenting needs to end,
No more,
Full stop,
End this boring life,
My story has to diminish,
Endless lines of sentences,
Ones I wish someone would leave unfinished.

Now I'm in my ninth life,
My last,
I'll remember all that happened,
And it'll all come rushing back,
The day that you left,
I didn't get a goodbye,
Waking up to the monitor,
The beeping gone,
Why,
You couldn't have waited for me to finish my slumber,
If only there was a way for me to count the number,
The number of times I brushed aside the I love you's that came out your mouth,
How much I pray to just hear the sound,
The sound of your heavy breathing as it tickled down my neck,
Just knowing that all of this was for the best,
Not for me but for you,
You couldn't take it anymore,
And I'm starting to feel that too,
This loneliness inside is eating away,
My whole body once again sore,
But there were no adventures through the rainy woods this time,
No,
I made these cuts myself,
The feelings only being kept at bay,
And I swipe the blade,
Over fresh skin each time,
To feel the relief,
The safety,
Of this fair ride,
The carousel we call life,
Where you feel you're going in circles,
The bruises on my body now all turning purple,
You see,
I never did find a love like ours again,
Every boy that I met,
Took advantage and the same things were said,
It's for my body,
And the things I can do with it,
Him touching me down there,
I never even asked for this,
You wouldn't do that,
Which is why I miss you so,
Never imagine that this was how things would go,
But as I stand with this noose around my neck,
The faint voices of my parents downstairs,
Wondering how long it would take for them,
To come upstairs and find their baby girl dead,
Not one more word will every be said,
Between me and them,
But for now,
Our story won't end.

——————————————————
Well,
That happened,
Honestly I did warn you guys it was deep and I obviously don't know how you're feeling so yeah,
I hope you liked it though,
It does feel nice for me to kind of rant about my life going ons on here,
A lot of this obviously is true and based off of me other than the last bit at the end because as we can tell I am still here thank god,
I just think it's important to talk about the struggles we have in life because it's alway better to get our feelings out because that is one way to save a life.
Anyway I actually do hope you enjoyed it and that it didn't make you too upset because I don really want that, I mean I do a little bit otherwise I was t have written this but that's not the point,

I won't be active for a little while again so yeah,
Bye.
- M x