scars of love

Prologue

Basically, we were screwed up.
We were all broken on the inside. Just a couple of lost, lonely and depressed souls. Our lives were going downhill. We were alone, misunderstood and rejected. By society, our families, and ourselves.
You get to a point where all the pain and heartache just washes away, the wounds close, but they don't heal. They leave scars. And when the scars appear, you cant cry anymore, you are finished  with looking for a brighter side and a solution.
You become hardened, immune to pain. It still hurts , but your used to it. Its there, but your brain is numb. It's nothing you haven't felt before.

We turned to late and dangerous nights, taking drugs,drinking and rebelling. Risking everything. An escape was all we wanted.
Its like that feeling of standing in a room full of people, you open your mouth and scream, but no one hears you.

We all knew exactly what we were doing, we knew what the consequences were, but we didn't care. We just wanted an escape from reality, something to take the pain away, even for a few hours.
Addiction and depression has taken almost all of the people I loved the most.
Depression is a disease, no one ever talks about it like that, but its real, it takes lives every day, it kills people.

All my friends had traumatic childhoods and horrible families. Trauma causes depression. I didn't have a traumatic childhood, I was just alone.  I lived with my father, in a large house in London.  He was practically never home, it was usually just me and the housekeeper. My mother died when I was too little to remember, but I cant say I missed her, I didn't know her. I cant say it was traumatic. Yet, I was depressed. Every morning I woke up with a heavy feeling on my shoulders. I never smiled, I never laughed. I felt alone. I couldn't feel happy, I disliked myself to the extent I couldn't look in a mirror. I was breathing, I existed, but I did not live.
That is, until I met him. He saved me from myself. And for that, I was endlessly thankful for his presence in my life. I was in love, madly in love.
This is our story. Its a love story, yes, it may sound cliche.
But, its not all happy endings, its about reality, living for the moment because all else is uncertain. In a moment, you can go, your soul leaves your body as quickly as a blink of an eye. This story is about sacrifice and pain, broken hearts and real life.
I had a privilege, knowing him. He did for me what I can never repay, as much as I hoped to. He brought me out a veil of shadows, showed me how to live life.
He was breaking, yet he was so strong. He taught me to cry, never to be ashamed. Never to judge, always to love.
Depression is real, and reality is harsh, but, it's okay. It's okay to cry. It's okay to love so passionately nothing else matters.
He taught me to live, to be more than just another beating heart.
For that, I am forever grateful.