scars of love

Five

I got home late that night, at almost 2 am.  I knew it was late, but I had never been out before, especially not this late. I was almost seventeen, I felt at the time I was a responsible person.
But I thought, who did I have to tell me what I can and can't do? My mother was dead, my father was somewhere I didn't even know, and he probably wouldn't care anyway.

Calum was worried. He kept his arm around me protectively when he walked me home. I stared up at the stars through the foggy air. I closed my eyes and breathed in, the cold air running through my nostrils sent shivers down my spine.
I thought about that day, and how it was probably the best day of my life. No, it was definitely the best day of my life. I had smiled, I laughed, I felt good. I had met someone who I had never felt so much love for before, and I also met a new version of myself, who I preferred.
Calum brought out the best of me, and he didn't even do that much. His presence in my life made me happy. It was so simple, yet so complexed.

When we eventually got to the front of my house, an unwelcome feeling settled in my stomach. I stared up at my house, big and empty and cold.
I sighed. I looked into his eyes. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to let go and go back, back to my old self, go back to my emotionless, practically lifeless soul.
I didn't want to leave his warm embrace, I didn't want to peal my fingers from his, I didn't want to let go.
I loved him. I had only known him for a few days, and I loved him. I loved every little thing about him.

Calum kissed my cheek,enveloping me in a warm hug. I breathed in his comforting smell, resting my head on his shoulder. I so badly wanted to tell him I loved him, but somehow, the words couldn't escape my lips.

"Today was the best day ever" I breathed.
"I agree" he said, smiling.
I pulled my key out my pocket and unlocked the gate.
I grabbed his hand.
"Can't you stay? I don't want you to leave.." I whispered, staring down.
"What would Maria say? And your father? If he found out?"
"I don't care what Maria says. I don't care about my father. I just know that as soon as I go inside, and you walk away, I'll go back to zombie mode, I wont be happy anymore.."

A hue of moonlight shone over Calum as he stood there, his eyes shiny and his beanie askew on his curls, his hands  resting in his pockets, his eyes staring at me. They were sad, and he sighed, reaching for my hand again.

"I don't want to go either. I hate being alone, and I'm almost always alone, if I'm not with everybody at Tracks. I don't like myself and I don't like my life, Ingrid. But, when I'm with you, I forget. I forget all the shit that happens everyday, I forget about everything I have to deal with, I don't feel like I'm struggling. For once in my life, I feel content. I'll stay, Ingrid"
He stepped towards me and kissed me, his hands resting on my cheeks. Fireworks erupted inside of me, goosebumps appearing on my skin.

We pulled away, and I smiled.
"Thank you" I said.

We linked arms and walked up to my front door. I unlocked it and it creaked open. The lights in the hall were still on, surprisingly. A second later, a frantic, stressed Maria rushed in. She gasped, placing her hand on her chest.
"Thank God, Ingrid! Where have you been? I've been worrying myself sick. Are you okay? What happened?"
I stared, confused. Calum looked awkward, biting his lip.
"Calm down! I'm fine. I've spent the day with Calum, and then we met up with a few friends" I said casually. "Maria, this is Calum"
He smiled, holding out his hand.
"Nice to meet you, Maria" he greeted. She shook his hand, raising an eyebrow, looking dazed.
"Nice to meet you too. Will you be staying over? I'll put some fresh linen on in one of the guest rooms. There is some pizza in the oven" she gabbled, rushing up the stairs, rubbing her forehead.
Calum looked at me, biting his lip.
"Will you be in trouble?" He asked, following me into the kitchen. I shrugged.
"I really don't think my dad cares enough. If he ever finds out, anyway. Maria is all stressed out because I've literally never gone out with a friend, let alone a boy, especially at night. I'm changing, your changing me" I teased.
Calum rolled his eyes playfully.
"Yes, I've positively turned you into a rebellious monster with dangerous and totally not innocent intentions" he joked. I laughed. I poured two glasses of coke and put some pizza on a big plate. He sat at the counter and I sat across from him, biting into pizza.
"I hope I'm not causing a fuss.." Calum said, sipping his glass.
"No, your not. It just so happens, in these unfortunate circumstances, this house hasn't received a guest since it was built" I sighed. Calum laughed softly.
I stared into space, chewing on a crust.
"Do you ever.. Worry about your mum a bit?" I asked hesitantly. Calum nodded.
"Yeah. I know she's depressed too. She takes meth, I'm terrified she's going to overdose. She goes nuts when she's on that stuff. It's weird, it's like she has bipolar disease. Some days are good days, when I'll come in from school and she'll be home, acting all mumsy, baking and asking me all about my day. Then she'll make my favourite dinner, and the flat will be clean and the fridge and cupboards full, we'll watch our favorite shows on the telly, playing happy families. Other days I get in and she's sometimes lying in the bath, with a needle stuck in her arm, looking like death. Sometimes, I'm like the mum, even though I'm her son. She needs looking after, she deserves a good man. I have to help her into bed and wipe away her tears and clean up and make the dinner and do the shopping and all that. I'm not complaining,what has to be done must be done. And I do believe both genders should do domestic work, I hate that 'women belong in the kitchen' stereotype. But, sometimes, I just wish she could be the mum, for once. I've always been independent, when I was four I warmed up my own bottle, for goodness sake. It's just, I sometimes I need someone to reassure me it's going to be okay, even though I know that's not true, it helps a little to know there is someone rooting for you, you know. She's always very involved in her own world, I don't think she has even noticed I'm depressed. But.. You know, life is hard, we are all human beings trying to keep on going, you know. The problem is, some people have a drive, a destination, a dream worthwhile to chase, some people actually have a life. And even though they have bad days, like everybody else in the world, they also have a fair amount of good days. Then you get the other bunch of people who may seem like they have a lot, but it matters nothing. And you also have the people who really have nothing, and nothing to keep them going, it feels pointless. Depression is a disease, an illness. It's real, Ingrid. No one ever talks about it, like you should be ashamed. Never be ashamed, Ingrid. Never be ashamed of something you can't control"
"I wont. You've taught me that. I'll never be ashamed"

We chatted for almost an hour, and as he spoke, my affection for him grew and grew. He had gone through so much, and he was strong. So strong. Strong enough to carry on, with no help. 
He had experienced things I couldn't even imagine, things he couldn't control.
He had suffered through so much, no wonder he was depressed. But me, I had hardly suffered through anything. Nothing compared to what he experienced on a daily basis. I felt I had no reason to be depressed. I felt terrible. Why did I feel this way when I had no reason to?

Calum suffered everyday, but he wanted no pity. He didn't lose control over the aspects he could control, he held on.

Maria said goodnight and I showed Calum to the guest room. He smiled at me and hugged me goodnight. I went to my lonely room and trailed into my bathroom. I was weary eyed and my hair was knotty.
I undressed and showered, overviewing my day. It seemed so crazy, that after seventeen years of being alive, I had a real friend, a person who cared about me. At least I hoped he felt the same way as me.
I changed into pajamas and sat on my bed, biting my nails. I didn't feel like sleeping, even though I was incredibly tired. My eyes ached from being open but I couldn't manage to close them. I went out my room and down the passage to the guest room. I knocked on the door, and I heard shuffling and scrabbling. After a few seconds, the door opened. Calum looked surprised to see me.
"Nice pajamas" he laughed. I looked down at my shaun the sheep pajama's and blushed, smiling bashfully.
No one had ever seen me in my pajama's besides Maria. I realized how unattractive I must have looked. Calum didn't seem to care, he was wearing a gentle smile, laughing softly.

Calum himself was in boxers,his hair messy and his eyes tired.
"I couldn't sleep" I admitted, walking into his room. He sat down on the bed.
"Me neither, to be honest. I usually don't though. I think I'm an insomniac" he sighed.
"I think I am too. My find is just so busy, I have too many thoughts and worries to sleep usually"
"What do you worry about?" He asked me. I sat beside him.
"I don't know. Everything. It's not like any of my worries are meaningful. I just overthink things. I have anxiety issues I suppose"  I sighed, crossing my legs.
He nodded, laying back on the headboard.
"I know it sounds weird.. But could I sleep here?" I said, blushing fiercely.
"Of course you can, its your house" he laughed.
"What?" I laughed, my face flooding crimson.
"Nothing.. You are just really cute when you blush.. Thats all" he teased. I rolled my eyes.
"Thanks" I laughed. I climbed under the covers. The bed was cold, I shivered.
"Are you cold?" He asked, climbing in beside me. I shrugged.
"A little. But I'll warm up soon enough"
He wrapped his arms around me.
"Is that better?" He smirked. I laughed.
"Much" I grinned.
We laid in silence, peaceful silence. I listened to him breathe in and out, the sound relaxing the tension inside of me. I felt so happy, so calm, I felt content lying their in his arms. We didn't need to talk, his presence in that moment was all I needed.
"So, what do you think of everyone?" He asked, breaking the silence.
I thought for a second.
"They are all really cool. I like India, and Paige and Kezia. Jonah and Caspar are cool. Sam's a bit.. Intimidating. She laughs at me a lot" I told him, fiddling with my hands in my lap. He sighed.
"Sam's like that. She's not a bad person, she just has a lot of issues. She's screwed up. Don't take notice, and don't let her boss you around"
I nodded.
"I wont.."
Calum turned his head and stared into my eyes.
"Did you really want that joint?" He asked me. I shrugged.
"I don't know.. I mean, in a small way I felt like I needed to prove to Sam I'm not a silly little girl" I told him.
He ran a hand through his hair, staring up at the ceiling.
"You don't need to prove anything, Ingrid. Be yourself" he said, trailing off. I nodded to myself.
I took his hand into mine and rested my head on his chest.
Being so intimate and so close to him brought the most incredible sensation. I felt safe, warm, light. I never wanted to let go, I never wanted to leave his touch.
I closed my eyes, and I let my body fall into sleep, laying in his arms. It was the best sleep I ever had.

~~

Sorry for taking so long to update, I've been very busy. School :(
Hope you enjoyed :)
Picture attached is how I imagine Sam.
Have a good day/night!

Emma x