Cracked

Chapter 10

I used to be kind of popular in school.

I mean, not wildly popular, not everybody knew my name popular, but I had friends, at the very least. Five of them. My best friends in the entire world. I was going through really bad times in middle school because of... well, you know, and they stood by me.

We all were in athletics together. Yeah, it sounds stupid, I know, but I used to love football. Seriously. I went hardcore.

I remember all of their names and everything about them.

Gordon was the potato of the group. That's the best way to describe him. He was in sports like the rest of us, obviously, but only because he was big. And I'm not talking muscle big. The kid couldn't help it. He tried dieting, exercising, you name it, but it's just the way he was built, I guess, because he never lost more than 10 pounds. He cracked stupid "your mom" and "that's what she said" jokes all the time. It was sort of obnoxious, but we all loved him. We were never close, but he would have my back, you know?

Kelly was our little brother. He was a grade below us, so we didn't even meet him until the second year of middle school, but he was amazing. Good at sports, cute, adorable smile, just the kind of kid you wanna protect, you know? So that's what we did. I wish I knew what happened to him when we went to high school. I never saw him after the last day of school in eighth grade.

Mason was our brains. He was super sporty still, duh, but he also got good grades in school. I mean, I passed, but with my home life and sports and all this stuff going on I wasn't really the smartest. I'm still not the smartest. Mason was a genius. Everything came completely naturally to him. It was really unfair. He was in the accelerated math program and the honors English program... Whenever we did something even remotely intellectual, Mason was the mastermind.

Paul was the toughest out of all of us, and we all knew it. He was the tallest, the most muscular, the meanest, the likely to punch somebody... Paulie wasn't afraid to get in trouble. He got so much detention I was surprised he ever saw the light of day. Some kid called me fat, Gordon would say, and that kid? They would lose their nose. Some kid called me a fag, Kelly would say, and that kid? Mysteriously broke an arm. Some kid called me lazy, Mason would say, and that kid? In a wheelchair the next day. We each brought something special to the group. Paulie brought his biceps: "be" and "afraid." I wish he would've stood up for me when--

Sorry. We aren't there yet.

Jessie... Jessie was my best friend. I knew everything about him, and he knew everything about me. Jessie loved the ocean more than he loved his mother and secretly thought football wasn't that great and had no idea what he wanted to do with his life and liked classical music and never forgave himself for punching his sister in the fourth grade.

Can you guess where this is going yet?

Okay, so remember how when I came out to my mom I told her that there was a boy I liked?

Yeah. There you go.

I don't know, he was just so perfect. He smiled at me and ruffled my hair and let me sleep over at his house whenever I really really needed to and understood that there were things I wasn't ready to talk about...

I thought he liked me back. It sounds stupid but I really thought he did. I mean, the way he looked at me, the moments we shared... I was 14, but I thought I knew what love was. And I thought we had it.

God, I was so stupid. I can't believe I'm even telling you all of this.

So on the last day of school, as eighth grade ended, he invited me to sleep over. Not the whole group, just us. I was so damn excited. I thought it was my chance to finally show him how I felt.