Broken (Peeta Mellark Fanfiction)

Chapter 3 - Changed

Throughout another week, I continue to have more therapy sessions and they allow Delly to eat lunch with me. During the nights, glimpses of memories come back to me in my dreams. Sometimes nightmares come instead, but I can't tell what's a memory and what's a nightmare.

Every dream I have about Katniss is just as confusing as the next. I can now only guess her intentions by judging on her attitude in our recent meeting. It really made me remember a lot, I can remember how stubborn and defensive she was, also her lack of charm and humor. I also remember how she would switch between me and Gale, kissing one then the other the very next day. I had felt so acceptive at the time, like I knew she'd truly loved Gale and not me, yet I didn't let her or even myself acknowledge how much it really bothered me. I don't know what held me back, but I do remember the jealously very well. Gale is stronger, taller, better-looking... they were childhood friends and hunting partners, why would she ever choose me over him? Every look of care and concern for him overpowers all the fake ones she gave me. I noticed that especially on the day Gale was whipped in the square.

I'd accepted it all, but then she had to make it so hard by doing things like asking me to stay with her during those nights on the train. I was so hopelessly in love, anything I'd felt besides that was forgotten the second she was in my arms. But now I wonder, why did she ask me to do that if she didn't really love me? After all that time we spent cuddling on the train, wouldn't it mean something afterwards? But no, she went running back to Gale, she always did. It meant something to me, but now I realize that I was just being used, she didn't feel the same way. It makes me so angry, all those feelings I'd had, wasted on a girl who didn't care nearly as much. Did any of it mean anything to her?

"Peeta? Will you stay with me?"

"Always."

It doesn't matter anymore. She's probably with Gale now, they can go off together all they want now without me to hold them back. Any guilt she might've felt before shouldn't be a problem now. For some reason these thoughts don't cheer me up, they only make me angrier.

-

In the therapy sessions, they tell me to speak my mind,

"Don't hide your thoughts." Dr. Salvo said. "They shouldn't be trapped in your head. Talk even when when nobody is around, and talk as if no one is around. Im sure it'll help you sort out your feelings. Maybe it'll help you figure out what you're really thinking."

It started with whispers under my breath, then it turned into aggressive arguments with myself, just a bunch of questioning and answering, exactly like what goes on in my mind. Maybe this happens because I'm so unsure about everything. Some of the nurses caught me furiously whispering to myself one time, they gave me furtive glances, then immediately pretended that it didn't happen. I hadn't realized what happened until after it happened. After a week, it started to become a bad habit, another thing I can't control. I became uncomfortable with the thought of others knowing everything I'm thinking, so now I'm trying to get rid of this new habit as much as I can.

Delly's visits are now my favorite part of the day. She would always be her preppy self, acting as if the country isn't tearing itself apart. Our conversations aren't as monitored as the very first one was. She fills me in the best she can on any questions I ask, even the ones about Katniss. She's so cheery and brings joy in everything she says, she hasn't changed at all, but we don't talk the way we used to any more, it's very different, and I can't figure out why.

Every time I bring up Katniss anything she says becomes defensive, so now I try to stay away from the subject. The only thing that bothers me is that glimmer of pity in her expression when she looks at me, as if I were a lost puppy. Everyone gives me this look, it's annoying and infuriating to me, I do not wish to feel so pathetic. Am I really that pathetic?