Second Chances

Chapter Seven

That night, I can't drift off to sleep.  Thoughts of Paul keep whizzing around my brain. 

He has a girlfriend. 

That's the only possible explanation for how he's been acting.  The weird looks, freaking out whenever we're close to each other, trying to avoid conversations with me...It's the only explanation.  He must be worried about telling us.  Me.  I wonder how long he's been keeping it secret.  Do I know her?  Is she a friend? I don't think I could handle it if she is.

I wish my brain would close off from it tonight.  Over the years, he's given me lots of sleepless nights and it's the last thing I need tonight.  I'm exhausted after all of the rehearsals and I need to get a good night sleep.  I need to clear my head.

I put on the TV in my room and watch some trashy TV game show that's on the late night viewing schedule.  I don't even know what it's called or what's happening in it to be honest, but eventually it helps me to settle my anxieties and I manage to fall into a restless sleep.

-----

Breakfast is uncharacteristically quiet the next morning and I'm not surprised.  Quite a lot of the guys are still asleep (probably sleeping off hangovers), and only myself, Tina and Rachel make it down before 9 am.  Rachel can't contain her excitement at the thought of seeing her family today, and that only increases when her husband Alex calls to say he's almost here.  As she practically skips out of the dining room to greet them, I can't help but smile.  After a tricky few years, she's really happy and content.  I can't help but feel a little jealous though, and it's not a feeling that makes me feel entirely comfortable.

"So what did you guys get up to once I'd left?" Tina asks, referring to the previous night's antics.
"Not much really," I reply honestly, "I didn't stay around for too long".  I decide not to go into details about Paul's sudden escape or the feeling of unease that's been in my stomach ever since.
"You left?" she responds, feigning surprise, "what happened to the Hannah Spearritt that once spent 3 hours skinny dipping in a pool with 4 men?!" she laughs.
"Oh ha ha," I deadpan.  "I guess she realised that she needs her sleep!  And anyway, you make it sound like they were strangers.  They were my best friends!"
"And your boyfriend," Tina adds, and I can't help but think she has an ulterior motive for adding that bit of information into the discussion.
"Yeah, well let's not go there alright," I mumble in response, taking another bite of my toast.
"It's true!" she laughs.
I give her a look which clearly shows her that I don't want to talk about it and fortunately she gets the message.

After excusing myself, I decide to head to the gym for a workout.  Dressed in my fetching pink 'work it baby' t-shirt and black shorts, I settle onto the running machine and plug my headphones into my iPhone.  As my favourite tunes start to fill my head, I drift off into my own world and time passes quickly.  Running is something I've taken up over the past few years and I really enjoy it, especially in the parks near my house.  There's something quite soothing about the rhythmic pounding of your feet hitting the ground and it definitely helps me to escape my thoughts.  I never used to enjoy running, but in his capacity as my personal trainer, it was something that Adam used to try and encourage me to do.  He showed me loads of routes around my house and I soon fell in love with it.  As our relationship changed from trainer and trainee to friends and then lovers, our runs took on a new significance and quite often there would be some form of reward at the end.  Once he even organised a picnic at the end of one run and we sat in the middle of the park eating and drinking until it started to get dark.  Good times.

The machine snaps me out of my contemplation to signal that I've finished my 5 mile run and I must admit, I'm feeling very proud of myself.  I slow the machine down and try to get my breath back before heading to the weights area at the back of the room to work on my upper body strength.  After 30 reps on four different machines, my arms are feeling pumped.

Well...no, that's a lie!

They're feeling exhausted.  And just a little bit weak!

Heading back to my room for a shower, I hear Rachel's girls laughing and I can't help but smile.

-----

Freshly showered and feeling squeaky clean, I head down to the main sitting room.  On the way, I bump into Paul and Brad and we all wander in together.  It's lovely to see Rachel's daughters again.  They're both so cute and I think Amelie is our biggest fan.  She knows all the words to 'Bring it all Back' and can even do some of the dance routine!  When we enter, she becomes shy and hides away from us and Brad can't help but make a joke about me looking scary without makeup.  I roll my eyes at him as Paul laughs and I give him what can only be described as a death glare.  He chuckles and raises his arms in defeat before slouching down on the sofa.  I'm still feeling awkward around him following last night's swift exit and the thought that he's hiding something so major from me.  As he takes out his phone and a smile graces his lips, I can't help but wonder if he's texting her - whoever she is.

"Come on Amelie," says Rachel as she coaxes her eldest daughter out from behind her legs.  "It's only Uncle Bradley, Auntie Hannah and Uncle Paul."

Before I can stop myself, my eyes turn towards Paul and I can't help being transported back to January 2006.  By the way Paul's eyes snap onto mine, I can't help but think he is remembering the same thing.  The last time I heard the words 'Auntie Hannah and Uncle Paul' being uttered was when my sister gave birth to her oldest son.  I'll never forget holding him in my arms the following day - he was so small and fragile, weighing only 6 lb 3 oz.  Tanya delighted in introducing him to his 'favourite' auntie and uncle - I think it was her way of dropping hints about settling down ourselves.  Oh well.  That was another lifetime.

No regrets.

Paul goes back to texting and the slight smile remains on his lips.  Whoever she is, she clearly makes him happy.  As a friend, that's all I can ask for.  He deserves to be happy, and if she makes him happy...well, then I'm happy.

I know...I'm not even slightly convincing am I?!

My feelings are all over the place.  Being here is messing with my head and Paul's actions towards me are starting to make me paranoid.  I need to talk to him.  Really talk to him.  100% honesty.  I just hope when the time comes, he'll be able to do the same with me.

-----

Later that evening, once everyone's hangovers have subsided and dinner has been finished, we retire to the sitting room to watch some old DVDs that someone from our management brought with them.  It's quite funny watching our old shows and I can't help but cringe at my appalling acting skills.  Talk about over acting!

At just gone 7 o'clock I pop out to pour myself another glass of wine and on my return, I notice that Paul has vanished too.  Not wanting to seem over-keen, I don't ask where he's gone.  However half an hour later, my glass drained, I can't help but wonder.

"Jon?" I whisper.  He's sat next to me fortunately so I can ask him without anyone else hearing, "where did Paul go?"
He looks at me and I can't help but think he somehow pities me.  Does he know about his girlfriend?
"He ducked out a while ago.  He took a call."
"Oh, ok." I reply.  I try to sound nonchalant but I know Jon can see straight through it.  It must be an important phone call if he's been gone so long.  His girlfriend's probably missing him.

I wait 5 minutes and then decide to make my own exit.  My thoughts are all over the place and I know I want to be on my own to try and clear my head.  I need to sort myself out before I ruin this experience for myself.
Without thinking, I find myself walking towards the lake.  It's getting dark and a little chilly and I contemplate heading back to the house to grab a jacket.  I decide not to though.  Knowing my luck I'd bump into Paul in the corridor and that's the last thing I want.

As I arrive at the lake, I decide to go to my favourite spot; the area that holds the most memories for me.  The place where Paul and I first admitted how we felt about each other.  It marks the start of that part of my life and hopefully having some peace and quiet out here will enable me to deal with my feelings and finally move on.

As I push the long grass out of the way, I smell the unmistakeable tang of nicotine and spot a lone figure throwing stones into the lake.

Shit.