Second Chances

Chapter Nine

I can't sleep.

Thoughts of what might have been keep racing around my mind.  I keep tossing and turning but one question remains.

Did he want to kiss me?

Part of me thinks he did - the look in his eyes told me that.  But he left.  He left me there without so much as a backwards glance.  There was no movie-style moment with the man running back into the woman's arms, nor a dramatic last look.  He left me sitting there and fled.  Maybe it was a mistake.  Maybe he didn't mean to get that close.  Maybe I'm just imagining it in my messed up mind.

Did I want him to kiss me?

I scoff.  Of course I did, and I'm pretty sure he knows it!  Despite how much I've tried to deny it and blame my feelings on the nostalgia of the tour and the memories that being back here has roused, I know in my heart that I wanted him to kiss me.  Not because of my past feelings for him, but because of the feelings that I'm experiencing right now.  It's like there's a piece of invisible string that connects me to him.  No matter how hard I try to cut it or deny its existence, it's there silently pulling us together.  It's like a magnet drawing me to him.  I don't know if it's entirely healthy to be honest, but I know it's there.  It always has been.

I roll over and look at my phone.  It's flashing with a message notification and my heart skips a beat as I wonder if it's from Paul.  Opening up my messages though, I realise it's not.  It's from Jon.

"Hey Spun.  You free for a catch up tomorrow?  Feel like it's been ages since we had a proper chat. XX"

I smile at his unique style of communication.  Considering that we're together all day every day at the moment, he could have asked me in person tomorrow, but no, not Jon.  He prefers the secretive texting route!  I reply with my usual barrage of emojis agreeing that yes, I'd love to have a chat.  Maybe if I'm brave enough I'll be able to open up to him about it all.  I'm sure he'll have some good advice.

Whilst my texts are open, I scroll down to Paul's name.  I know I shouldn't, but I find myself wondering if I should text him.  Ask him what's going on.  I tap out a simple message and hover over the send button.  I take a deep breath and come to my senses, my subconscious screaming at me.

He left you sitting there.  He doesn't want to get involved.  Leave it.

I delete the message and put my phone on my bedside table, making sure it's on silent.  I have to be up early for rehearsals tomorrow and the last thing I need is my phone waking me up with Twitter notifications or texts.

Rolling over onto my back, I attempt to remember some of the meditation techniques I've learnt as part of my yoga sessions.  I don't know if it's them or my exhaustion but I eventually drift off, my brain finally switching off from the events that have occurred over the past few hours.

-----

I'm woken by my alarm at 7 am and I groggily roll over to turn it off.  Somehow during the night I've managed to get myself twisted around my sheets and for a moment I feel like I'm in a cocoon.  I idly fantasise about that - if only I could turn into a butterfly and fly out of here, escaping the inevitable awkwardness that is bound to be present between Paul and myself.  I contemplate the idea of hitting snooze (I love avoiding things!) but I know I need to be on top form today for a full day of rehearsals, so instead I drag myself out of bed and head over to my en-suite.

The shower blasts me awake and by the time I've got dressed and sorted my hair and makeup, I'm feeling much better about it all.  So what if it's a bit awkward?  We're both professional people.  We can both work together.

Game face on, I head downstairs to grab some breakfast.  On the way down I bump into Jon and we make small talk as we head into the dining room.  Looking around, I spot Paul laughing with Jo and Rachel and I can't help but feel slightly hurt.  While my head seems to be on the verge of exploding, he's sat laughing like he doesn't have a care in the world.  Jon must notice the look on my face despite my attempts to hide it.
"You alright Hannah?" he asks.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I respond, plastering a smile on my face.  I'm hoping that my eyes don't betray me.
"Han...." he adds and I can feel myself starting to get crack.  I can't fool him.
"We'll talk about it later ok?" I say, dismissing him before he can ask anything else.  "I can't talk about it right now".
He nods his head in understanding.  "Ok.  Just know I'm here if you need me.  Anytime."  He smiles at me and I realise that he knows why I'm upset.  He must realise what's happening with me.  Maybe Paul even told him last night.  I offer him a small smile and walk over to the serving area.

We both decide to go for a healthy breakfast of muesli and fruit this morning and head over to the big group table together.  After the standard "good morning" chatter, we settle into a conversation about holidays and what we've all got planned post-tour.  I can't help looking over at Paul every now and then to gauge his mood.  He seems quiet and religiously avoids looking at me.  It's almost like he's trying to avoid eye contact with me.  Like it's a conscious decision.  If I'm completely honest, I think that hurts me more than him leaving last night.

A few minutes later, Brad arrives at the table with a huge fry-up and it makes everyone salivate slightly.  The chef does the most incredible bacon and sausages here (apparently the secret is to add a little honey to the pan just as they're almost cooked).  Unable to resist the temptation, Paul gets up from his seat and heads over to make his own.  I'm glad to be honest as it gives me some time to mentally escape from my confusion.  I must let out an audible sigh as Jon turns to look at me, his eyes creasing in suspicion.  He looks like he's going to say something but he knows better than that.  He knows I won't talk to him openly about things in front of the others.  Eventually he breaks his silence but mercifully it's not to ask me what's wrong.
"I'm going to go and get some of that bacon before Paul eats it all.  Do you want some?"
"No thanks," I mumble.

He wanders off and I engage in conversation with the girls.  To be honest, I'm only half listening so it gives me the opportunity to think.  When I look towards the food, I see Jon and Paul seem to be engrossed in a deep conversation and I start to panic.  In the past, they were always my confidants and I know they'd often work together to try and pull me up when I was feeling down.  The last thing I need is for Jon to ask Paul if he knows what's wrong with me.  When they both turn to face me, my fear is realised and I go into major meltdown mode.

"You ok Han?" I hear Tina ask.  "You zoned out on us for a minute there!"  She and Rachel laugh and I try to join in.
"Sorry, I was a million miles away.  I'm fine.  What were you talking about?" I reply, trying to shift the focus back on the conversation.  My response doesn't convince her though and once again asks if I'm ok.
"Honestly girls, I'm fine."  I try my hardest to muster up a genuine smile.  "Look, I think I'm gonna head off and start getting warmed up for rehearsals.  I'll see you in a bit."  I grab my plate and leave before anyone can respond.

I arrive at our makeshift dance studio to find the lights are all off and no one is around.  Perfect.  This is just what I need.  I look at the time and realise we aren't due to start for 45 minutes so I should have at least 30 minutes peace and quiet before Priscilla and Sam arrive.  Without turning the lights on, I slouch down in the corner nearest the floor-to-ceiling windows and hug my knees to my chest.  It's not until I feel a salty tang on my lips that I realise I'm crying.  All of my frustrations and anxieties have got on top of me and no matter how hard I try to deny it, I know I'm beginning to fall apart.

My pity party for one is cut short when the lights flicker to life and Priscilla strolls in, CD player in one hand and her gym bag slung over her shoulder.  She's in a world of her own and doesn't spot me until it's too late.
"Christ Hannah!  You scared the life out of me!" she laughs.  Noticing my lack of response, she puts down her things and heads over.  "What the hell are you doing sitting in the dark?  You know you don't need to be here till 10 right?"
I frantically try to wipe away my tears before she gets to me.  "Yeah, sorry - I figured it'd be empty in here.  I just wanted somewhere to be on my own for a while.  I can go if you want?"
She looks at me and I can see that she's worried.  "Of course not!  Stay.  Chill.  Whatever you need."  She sighs before continuing.  "Look, I know it's probably none of my business hon, but are you ok?"
I seriously toy with the idea of telling her.  She was known as the 'S Club Mum' last time around - she was always looking after us and teaching us how to cope with the pressures of the job.  However I know that if I let her in, share what's going on, I might not be able to stop my tears from flowing, and I need to compose myself by the time rehearsals begin.
"Thanks for the offer," I eventually respond, "but I don't really want to talk about it at the moment."
She nods in understanding and places her hand on mine.  "That's fine hon, but you know I'm always here if you want a chat.  No one needs to know."
"I know.  Thank you.  It means a lot."  I smile and she stands up, placing a kiss on my head, leaving me to stare out at the gardens once again.

-----

Fortunately I manage to compose myself by the time the others arrive for rehearsals and I'm able to block off my mind from the events of the past 24 hours.  I throw myself into my dancing and singing and by the end of the day, I'm starting to feel much better about the whole situation.  I've told myself a thousand times that I need to be single for a while, and I need to avoid getting involved with another man.  I should be grateful really - Paul's disappearing act has stopped me from doing that.  Although it hurts at the moment, I know deep down that it's for the best.

Immediately after rehearsals we have an interview scheduled with a major weekly magazine.  We've managed to avoid doing too many interviews since announcing the reunion (something which I'm secretly really pleased about) so none of us mind too much.  We're asked the usual questions: what's it like being back together?  How have things changed?  Who has changed the most? And so on and so on.  It's going really well until the inevitable attention turns to mine and Paul's previous relationship.
"Is it awkward working together again?" The journalist asks.
Our eyes meet for what feels like the first time all day.  Paul looks flummoxed, unsure of how to respond.  Knowing that too long a pause could give the journalist some ammunition, I jump in.
"Of course it's not."  I smile.  "We've known each other for almost 20 years."
Luckily Paul seems to come to his senses by the time I've said this and agrees with what I said.  When the journalist seems happy with the response and moves on to his final question, I release the breath that I didn't realise I was holding.  Shortly after, we say our goodbyes and head off to get some dinner.

-----

Later that evening I exit my shower to the sound of my phone ringing.  Unfortunately I'm not able to get there in time and it rings off just as I make a dramatic jump onto my bed to answer it.  Looking at my screen, I see that Jon has tried to ring me 3 times and he's also text me.  God - he's nearly as bad as Adam!!

"Sorry Johnny, I was in the shower.  You ok???"

While I wait for his reply, I begin to get myself dressed.  I don't bother to look fancy, just some sweat pants and a hoodie does me.  It's my 'comfy' clothes - the ones I wear when I want to avoid the world.  They're almost like a shield.  As I finish getting dressed, my phone buzzes with Jon's reply.

"Yeah, I'm good :)  Just on my way up to your room.  I'm bringing wine!"

I can't help but groan at the implication in that text.  Jon's always plied me with wine when he wants me to open up about things and I realise that I'm not going to get away with holding back tonight.  My head says I need to tell him everything, even the things that I don't think I've admitted to myself.  My heart though...well, my heart wants to construct a huge concrete wall around itself to block out the pain.

The knocking at the door breaks me out of my debate and I can't help but smile when I open it and see Jon trying to carry two glasses and three bottles of wine; red, white and rosé.
"I wasn't sure which one to bring so I brought them all!" he laughs, trying desperately not to drop everything on the carpet.
I laugh along with him and help him to place everything onto the table.  I open the white wine and pour myself a glass while he does the same with the rosé.  We settle on my bed and I see Jon take a big gulp of from his glass before turning to me.

Uh-oh.  Here it comes.

"So," he says drawing out the word as much as he can.  "You going to tell me what's been going on with you the past couple of days?"
I look at him briefly before taking a sip of my drink.  I decide to play ignorant, pretending that I'm fine.  I'm not sure that I want to admit what happened last night.  However, just as I'm about to tell him that, he speaks again.
"And don't bother lying Han.  You know I'll see straight through it."  I swear he can read my mind sometimes!  I look at him and he gives me a knowing smile.
"Ok, ok." I eventually give in.  "What do you want to know?"  I've resigned myself to my fate so may as well let him probe.
"I don't want you to tell me anything that you don't want to tell me Han, but you're one of my best friends.  I can see you're upset and I want to help."
I know he's right.  If I can't open up to him about it, I can't open up to anyone.  He knows us both so well: the history, the pain, the connection.  He knows it all.
"It's Paul."  I say simply.  "It's...God Jon, it's so hard to talk about this."  He places his hand on my knee and rubs his thumb back and forth.
"Did something happen last night?"  He asks.
"What makes you say that?" I reply.  Inside I'm panicking.  If he's guessed that, then the chances are the others have too.
"Well you both disappeared and you've not been yourself all day.  It's almost like you're avoiding each other.  It's a natural assumption to make."
I relax slightly at his words.  I suppose it is a natural assumption.  "We had a 'moment' last night.  At the lake" I admit, looking to him for some sort of response.  I take another gulp of my wine to take the edge off my anxiety.
"What sort of 'moment'?"  he asks.  "Did you kiss?"
I look down at the bed covers and twiddle them around my fingers.  "No, we didn't.  But we nearly did."  When I raise my eyes to meet his, he doesn't seem overly surprised.
"Start from the beginning Hannah.  Tell me everything."
Those are the words I was dreading coming out of his mouth.  I take a deep breath and tell him everything, including Adam's phone call, Paul putting his arm around me, and culminating in him leaving.  When I finish, he leans over and gives me a hug.  I'm so close to crying but I'm determined not to.  Not yet.  Not when I have company.
"Did you want him to kiss you?"  I think he knows the answer to be honest, but it's like he's trying to get me to admit it to myself.  I don't need to respond - he can tell by the look on my face that the answer is yes.
"He is clearly confused," Jon continues.  "You've told him that you're recently single, that you thought he had a girlfriend, that you're thinking about the past...his emotions are probably all over the place at the moment.  Just like yours are."  I nod in agreement and hope that he's correct.  "I think you need to talk to him though Han.  You need to clear the air and work out what you both want.  Before the others pick up on the tension."
I know he's referring to the rest of the band.  "Priscilla saw me earlier.  I think she knows something's wrong.  So does Tina."
"Yeah, I know."  He admits.  "Teen asked me about you earlier.  I told her I had no idea."  I look at him wide-eyed.  "Don't worry Han, I won't tell her a thing.  You know that.  I didn't last time and I won't do this time."
I smile softly at him.  He was the first person to work out how I felt about Paul the last time around.  He kept my secret for almost four months until we eventually admitted it to each other.
"Thank you Jon," I add sincerely.  We hug and he presses a kiss into my hair.
"Anyway!" he says in an attempt to change the subject and lighten the mood, "Brad said the girls could choose the movie tonight.  Shall we head down?"
I think about it for a moment.  Whilst I want to break out of my mood, being near to Paul and potentially watching a romcom just doesn't appeal to me in the slightest.  Right now I just want to curl up in my bed and block out the world.  I don't want to admit that to Jon though so I go for a safer option.
"Nah, I think I'm going to get an early night.  I didn't sleep very well last night.  Could do with the beauty sleep!"  I laugh.
"Ok, if you're sure.  Do you want me to stay and keep you company?"
"I'll be fine Jon, honestly.  I feel much better now that I've got it off my chest."  And I genuinely do.  I feel like a weight has been lifted.  I just hope that I can snap out of it quickly.
"Alright.  Well just give me a buzz if you want me ok?  Any time."
"Yes boss!" I joke as we stand and walk towards my door.

After one final hug, Jon leaves and I'm left alone once again with my thoughts.  At least now I'm feeling much better about it all though.  The saying 'a problem shared is a problem halved' is definitely true in this case.  After placing the bottles of wine in my mini-bar, I change into my pyjamas and curl up under the covers.  For what feels like the first time in a long time, I fall asleep immediately, my exhaustion overriding all of my other emotions.