Second Chances

Chapter Twelve

I don't sleep well that night, confusion over Paul and worries about Tanya keep spinning around in my mind.  I don't understand what happened last night at all, and I'm hoping that Paul will be able to shed some light on the situation.  After last night, the need to talk has trebled!

I finally give up on sleep at 7:30am and I can hear the shower running.  Paul must already be awake.  Worried about the inevitable awkwardness when he emerges, I busy myself with the TV and look at my phone.  I have 5 texts: one from Jon, one from my Mum and three from Adam.  Choosing to ignore the final three, I reply to Jon and Mum.  My family are aiming to get to the hospital for 10am so I explain that I'll be there at the same time and then I settle to watch the morning news.

A knock at the door breaks me out of my viewing and I momentarily panic.  I don't want to face anyone and although the shower has turned off, Paul still hasn't emerged.
"Room service!" I hear before the knocking resumes.  Relieved, I head over and open the door, accepting the large trolley into the room.  Whilst I was asleep, Paul must have ordered some breakfast - he knows I wouldn't have wanted to eat in the restaurant this morning.  As I take off the covers I spy two full English breakfasts, some cereals, toast, orange juice and a large cafetière of coffee with two mugs.  He's definitely gone all out this morning and I can't help but smile at his thoughtfulness, despite what happened last night.
He finally emerges from the bathroom and heads over to the bed.  He's dressed in jeans and a black shirt.  His hair is all over the place and part of me is desperate to run my fingers through it.
"Have you seen my glasses?" he asks.  Not exactly the first words I expected from him after what happened last night, but...well...he clearly regrets it and to be honest, right now Tanya is my priority.
"No, I haven't.  Sorry" I mumble in reply.  "Have you not got your contacts?"
"Nah, forgot them."  He replies, rooting around in his jacket for his glasses case.  He finally locates it and joins me on the sofa.  We sit in silence as we start to eat and I'm grateful for the background noise from the TV.
"Thanks for this," I eventually say, desperate to break the growing tension between us.
"No worries," he responds.  "Have you heard from your parents?"  He asks as he pours himself some coffee.
"Yeah, they're on their way to the hospital.  Visiting starts at 10."  I reply.
He nods but doesn't speak.  I'm worried about going to see Tanya.  I'm scared at what I'll see.  I know I want Paul to come with me, to be there next to me, but after last night I'm scared that he won't want to.
"Paul?"  I ask quietly.  He turns and it's the first time we've looked at each other since he emerged from the shower.  "Will you...you know?"  I ask.  Despite the coffee and juice, my throat is dry and I can't get my words out.
He considers it for a long moment.  "If you're sure you want me to?" he replies and I can see how nervous he is.
"I do," I say.  "Thank you," I add, placing my hand on his leg briefly, but I take it off when I feel him tense under me.
"I'll book a taxi," he mumbles, standing up and heading to the phone before returning to finish his meal.

---

An hour and a half later we arrive at Peterborough City Hospital.  We're directed to Tanya's private room and as we approach, I can see my parents outside.
"Mum!  Dad!" I call as we approach.  They turn to face me and embrace me into a warm hug.  It's only as I begin to pull away that I realise I haven't told them that I didn't travel alone.
Mum is the first to speak up.  "It's lovely to see you Paul," she says, reaching to give him a hug and kiss on the cheek.  My Dad also greets him and offers his hand.
"How's Tanya?" I ask.
"She's ok," my Dad replies.  "She's stable.  The operation went well and she's on the mend.  She's not really with it yet though.  The pain medication she's on is quite strong.  She keeps drifting in and out of consciousness.  The doctor is just in with her and Grant at the moment."
We wait patiently outside until the doctor emerges and we're allowed inside.  The breath is taken from my lungs when I see her.  All around her are tubes and the beeping of machines.  I gasp and raise my hand to my mouth, unable to keep in the sob that escapes.  Like last night, Paul is right there, his hand on my back, comforting me.
"It's ok Han.  Those machines are good.  They're keeping her healthy."  I know he's right but seeing my sister like this is harder than I imagined.  My brother-in-law Grant is holding her hand whilst she sleeps, and it's obvious that he didn't get much sleep himself last night.  When he sees me, he comes over and gives me a hug, shaking Paul's hand. Paul was an usher at their wedding and they always got on well, but when we split...well, Tanya was very vocal about her feelings towards him, and I'm sure they were shared by Grant too.  I silently berate myself for not telling them that he was coming.

We spend a few hours in Tanya's room talking about light topics that don't require much brain power.  To be honest it's just white noise while we wait for her to wake up.  Occasionally she does drift back to consciousness, including one time when it's just me and her in the room.  She smiles when she realises it's me and offers a weak "surprise!" but falls asleep soon after.  Even in this state she's trying to make jokes!

Visiting hours close between 12 noon and 2pm so we're forced to leave.  Deciding we don't want to go far in case there's any change, the five of us head to the hospital's restaurant to get a sandwich.  As we walk, I can feel the proverbial elephant in the room and I know my parents - especially my Mum - are desperate to ask why Paul's with me.  I manage to avoid it until the men go to collect our meals whilst we find a table.
"It's nice to see Paul again," she comments feigning innocence, "he looks in better shape than the last time I saw him."  It's true.  He is in much better shape and I can't help but recall how good it felt to be against him last night.
"Hannah?"  She's looking at me impatiently and I realise that I didn't hear what she just said.
"I asked...how come he's here with you?"
I take a deep breath and look over to him before facing my Mum again.  "I didn't want to be alone," I answer honestly.  "I figured that he knew you and vice versa.  I thought it would be easier."
She doesn't seem convinced and I anticipate the next question before she even manages to ask it.  "Are you two back together?"
I pause for a moment.  Part of me really wants to talk to her about it, tell her about last night and share all of my anxieties and confusion, but I can't.  "No," I reply, "nothing's going on Mum."  She nods in reply.  If I'm honest, an onlooker would probably realise that she knows I'm lying but I can't handle the truth at the moment.  Fortunately Mum appears to understand this and she changes the subject as the men arrive, but I'm certain that she'll ask me again before I leave.

Lunch is a subdued affair, all of us lost in our own thoughts and wishing the hours away so that we can go and back to the ward.  We talk briefly about rehearsals for the tour and I can see that my Dad wants to know why Paul's here.  I can practically see him mulling over how to ask.  Fortunately I'm spared more awkwardness though and we're eventually allowed back upstairs.

There's no real change in Tanya's condition: she's stable, which is a good thing, but she keeps drifting in and out of consciousness due to the medication that she's on.  That's changing gradually though and by mid-afternoon she's definitely getting much stronger and the doctors are able to lower her pain relief.  That's the thing about my sister - she's a tough cookie!  We manage to convince Grant to get some rest in the family room while she sleeps, telling her that we'll wake him if there's any change.  Mum and Dad also disappear briefly to phone my brother and our extended family, updating them on Tanya's recovery.  It leaves just Paul and myself with Tanya and I'm grateful for the beeping of the machines which stops the silence from being too unbearable.  We still haven't spoken about what happened last night and, to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure how to bring it up.  I'm hoping that he will, considering that he's the one that needs to explain his actions - or lack thereof.
"Do you want a coffee?" I ask him as Tanya sleeps, desperate to break away from the growing tension in the room.
"I'll get them," he answers, "what do you want?"  He reaches for his jacket to get out his wallet but I need to get away for a minute to clear my head.
"I will ok?" I snap, apologising when I realise just how horrible I sound.  It's not his fault that I feel like this.  Well, actually, a lot of it is his fault, but I can't blame him entirely.
"I'll have a coffee.  White with one," he replies.  "Cheers."  Our eyes lock for a second but I break contact before it becomes too intense.

Grateful to escape for a moment, I lean against the wall and take some deep breaths.  I should be focusing on Tanya, not Paul.  She's the reason I'm here, not him.  Steadying myself, I embark on my journey to find a decent machine and eventually find one down the other end of the long corridor.  As I walk back to the room, I can see that Tanya has woken up and she sat up.  Panic shoots through me.  It's still just her and Paul in the room.  They used to get on so well until we broke up, then Tanya became quite vocal about the way he treated me.  I open the door silently, hoping that they don't spot me as I creep in.
"Why are you here?"  I hear her ask.  She's groggy and a bit slurred but I can definitely hear the undertone in her voice.  She isn't exactly pleased to see him.
"Hannah asked me to come with her," he replies, keeping a neutral tone.
"You aren't back together are you?"  He looks at her for a moment, gauging her reaction.  It's obvious what she's hoping he'll say.
"We're just friends Tanya," he finally answers, "that's all."
She nods her head in response.  "Good," she adds, and part of me wants to cry, but I'm not sure if it's because of Tanya's response or his own.

Just friends?

Is that all we are?

Because from where I'm standing, we're definitely something more than that.  I don't know if I can define it though.  I scoff under my breath before making myself known in the corner of the room.  We're more than just friends and we both know it.  I'm not sure what it is, but it's more than just friendship.  Tanya smiles at me and I'm relieved that she seems to have stopped her verbal attack on Paul.  I'm forever glad that she's fighting in my corner, but I don't want her laying into him at the moment.

"Hey Titch," she smiles at me as I walk towards her, handing Paul his coffee.  Our fingers touch and I can't help the extra beat in my heart at the contact.
"Hey," I reply, reaching down to kiss her cheek.  "How are you feeling?"
"Oh, you know...feel like I could run a marathon right now!"  I can't help but laugh at her attitude.  She always puts a positive spin on things, no matter how tough they are.  I sit down on the opposite side of the bed from Paul and take hold of her hand.  She squeezes tightly and reaches for her own drink.
"Mmm, water!" she say sarcastically, "what I wouldn't do for a coffee right now!"
"Trust me, you wouldn't want this one!  It's rank!!"  I laugh and Paul agrees before excusing himself from the room.

I watch him leave and sigh quietly.  It can't be easy for him being here surrounded by my family.  I feel a bit guilty about it to be honest, but I needed him with me.  I needed him to keep me strong.
"I know you heard us talking," Tanya comments with a sly smile on her face.  There's no point denying it - she knows me too well.  "So what's the deal with him?  Why's he here?"
For some reason, I decide to be honest with her.  Maybe it's the tubes and machines...maybe it's my overriding need to talk to someone about it...I don't know.
"I asked him to come with me."  I say, looking down at the bed.  "I didn't want to be alone."
"You could have asked anyone Han.  Why him?"  It's a legitimate question.  Maybe I should have asked Jon instead.  I definitely wouldn't have kissed him last night!
"I needed him."  I reply honestly.  A little too honestly actually so I try to back-peddle, "he knows me, he knows all of you...I just needed him to be here."
She strokes the back of my hand and I know she understands.  "What's going on between you?"  she asks quietly.  My brain tells me that I should just corroborate Paul's 'we're just friends' line, but my heart tells me to be truthful.  Before I can decide which organ to go with, my mouth opens and I can't control it.
"Nothing.  It's like Paul told you...we're just friends ok?  That's all" I reply.  I can't look her in the eye as I say it, knowing in my heart that it's so much more than just friendship.
"I'm ill Han, but even I can see that it's more than that.  He couldn't get out of the room quicker if he tried!"  She laughs in response.
"Can you blame him?  You practically just grilled him!"  I reply accusatorily.  "I heard it all Tanya."
She gives me a pointed look before answering me.  "He deserves it.  He was an asshole when you split up.  A real twat."
"I know, I know."  I pause, "but he's changed.  He's not like that anymore," I add quietly.
"Be honest with me Hannah, please," she begs, squeezing my hand.  "I'm your sister and I love you.  You can tell me.  What's going on?"  Our eyes meet and I know she won't judge me.  She just wants to help.
"I honestly don't know Tan.  We..."  I say, sighing deeply.  "We kissed last night.  At the hotel."
"Ok," she replies and she doesn't seem shocked.  "Then what?"
For the first time, I look at her and I see that she's concerned.  But not because it's Paul, but because she can see how I feel about him.  "There's nothing more.  Nothing else happened."
"Han..." she implores.  She knows there's more.
"Nothing happened ok.  He stopped it before it could."  It's only when I've said it that I realise just how much better I feel about admitting it out loud.
She looks at me thoughtfully.  "You need to tell me everything Han.  Start from the beginning."
I'm reminded of the conversation I had with Jon and can't help but think about how much has changed since then.  As I explain everything that happened last night, Tanya holds my hand and encourages me.  It feels so nice to finally be able to talk to someone about it.
"Have you spoken to him about it?"  she asks.  I shake my head in reply.
"I don't think he's interested.  He's just trying to forget about it and move on.  It was clearly a mistake."
She's quiet for a long time and I consider changing the subject but then she speaks up.  "Look Han...I know I'm not exactly his biggest fan at the moment, but you've gotta understand why.  He was horrible about you after you split up.  But...deep down, I actually think he's one of the good guys.  He's come all this way to be with you, knowing that he's gotta face all of us.  He wouldn't do that if he didn't still feel something for you."  I can see she wants to say more but we're interrupted as Mum, Dad, Paul and Grant re-enter the room.  I simply nod in reply, kissing her on the cheek and telling her that I love her.

Maybe she's right.  Maybe he does still feel something for me.

I move away from the bed so that Grant can sit next to Tanya and I look over to Paul.  One hand is in his pocket and the other is nursing his coffee.  I see the tension on his face and realise that being here must be really difficult for him.  Years ago there was a chance that these people would become his family and being here now as an ex-boyfriend...well, it can't be easy for him.

Our eyes meet and when we smile softly to each other, I wonder if we have any chance of building on last night.

More and more of me is starting to hope that we can.