On the Edge of Love (CarlxAlan)

Chapter 17: Carl

Monday mornings always sucked, but this one was particularly rough. I barely got any sleep last night—not because of homework or stress, but because my brain refused to shut up about Alan.

I kept replaying every moment from yesterday: the way we sat too close on the couch, the way his knee kept bumping mine, the way his fingers twitched like he was thinking about holding my hand before I actually did it. And the fact that he didn't pull away.

It was messing with my head.

I kept reminding myself that we weren't really dating. Not officially. We weren't talking about it, weren't putting a label on it, weren't even acknowledging that yesterday meant something. It was just another one of those unspoken things between us, like the way he looked at me when he thought no one was watching, or how he always found a reason to touch my arm when we were standing close.

But even though I knew all of that, I still felt different walking into school.

Maybe it was stupid, but some part of me thought today might feel new. Like we'd be closer now, or something would have shifted.

It didn't.

The second Alan walked into first period, it was like nothing had changed. He was just Alan—laughing with his friends, slouching in his chair, spinning a pencil between his fingers like he wasn't making my life infinitely harder. He caught my eye exactly once, gave me this tiny half-smile, and then looked away before anyone could notice.

And yeah. That stung a little.

I knew what I signed up for. We agreed—this was a secret. I wasn't expecting him to hold my hand in the hallway or kiss me in front of our friends. But some part of me, the really pathetic part, wished he would at least acknowledge me.

The day dragged. We didn't have any classes together until lunch, so I spent the morning trying to pretend I wasn't constantly waiting for him to show up. When I finally walked into the cafeteria, I spotted him immediately—sitting at our usual table, talking with Luke and a couple of other guys. I took a breath and headed over, sliding into my usual seat across from him.

"Dude, did you finish the history assignment?" Luke asked, shoving a chip in his mouth. "Because I straight-up forgot we even had one."

Alan snorted. "Yeah, good luck with that. Mr. Townsend is gonna eat you alive."

"Whatever, man. I'll just copy yours."

Alan rolled his eyes. "Like hell you will."

It was a normal conversation. Totally casual. Nothing weird. And yet, I felt off.

I wasn't sure what I expected. Maybe for Alan to look at me a little longer than necessary, or say something that only I would understand. But he didn't. He was just normal, like nothing had happened at all.

"So what'd you guys do this weekend?" One of our friends, Aaron, asked, looking around the table.

"Not much," Luke said. "Went to the game Friday. Slept all day Saturday. You?"

"Went to a party."

"Yeah? Anyone hook up?"

I tuned the conversation out, suddenly hyper-aware of the fact that Alan still hadn't answered.

Then Aaron turned to him. "What about you, dude?"

Alan barely hesitated. "Uh, nothing really. Just hung out at home."

I swear, I actually felt my stomach drop.

It was such a small thing. Nothing really. Just hung out at home. That was it. That was all he said. He could've at least mentioned me. Could've said we hung out. That we watched a movie. That we did something.

But no.

Nothing.

And suddenly, I was mad.

I didn't want to be mad. I knew this was how things had to be, at least for now. But it still sucked. It sucked knowing that I had spent all night thinking about him, about us, while he could just brush it off like it was nothing.

The rest of lunch felt slower after that. I barely said anything. Alan kept glancing at me, like he could tell something was off, but he didn't say anything either.

By the time the bell rang, I was already halfway out the door.

The day dragged after that. I wasn't mad at Alan, not really. Just... disappointed. And maybe a little hurt.

I told myself to get over it.

By the time school let out, I was already in the parking lot, heading for my car, when I heard Alan call my name.

I turned just as he jogged up, slightly out of breath.

"Hey," he said, running a hand through his hair. "Uh, you okay?"

"Yeah. Why?"

He gave me a look. "Dude, come on. You barely talked at lunch."

I shrugged. "Was tired."

Alan exhaled, looking away for a second. Then, quieter, he said, "I didn't mean to lie."

I crossed my arms. "You didn't lie. You just didn't tell the truth."

He frowned. "It's not like I could've said we—" He stopped himself, lowering his voice. "That we hung out the way we did."

I knew that. I knew that. But it still stung hearing him say it.

Alan ran a hand down his face. "This is hard for me, okay?" His voice was almost frustrated, but not in a mean way. More like he was frustrated with himself. "It's not that I don't—" He stopped, hesitating. "I do care about you, Carl. I just... I don't know how to do this."

I swallowed, suddenly feeling guilty for being upset in the first place.

"I don't either," I admitted. "But I don't want to feel like I don't exist in your life."

Alan's face softened. He looked down, kicking at the pavement, then nodded. "I'll do better."

I believed him.

Neither of us said anything for a second. Then, finally, Alan let out a breath and gave me a small smirk. "Wanna go get food or something? I promise I won't pretend I wasn't with you this time."

I huffed a laugh. "Yeah, okay."

As we walked to our cars, the weight on my chest felt a little lighter.

This thing between us was complicated. Messy. But for the first time today, I felt like maybe—just maybe—we were figuring it out.