On the Edge of Love (CarlxAlan)

Chapter 18: Alan

By now, we had fallen into a rhythm.

It had been a couple of weeks since Carl told me how much it sucked to feel like I was pretending he didn't exist at school. I hadn't realized how much I'd been doing it—not on purpose, at least—but he was right. And I'd been trying.

It was a balancing act, really. We still weren't telling anyone, but I was making more of an effort. A quick glance across the classroom. A nudge in the hallway. Sitting just a little closer than necessary at lunch, even if no one else noticed.

I wasn't sure what to call what we had. It wasn't a relationship in the traditional sense, not yet. But it also wasn't just friendship anymore. It was something in between—something ours.

And, honestly? I liked it.

But I was also still terrified.

"Are you even listening to me?"

I blinked, realizing Luke had been talking for the last few minutes while I'd been completely zoned out. I had no idea what he'd said.

"Uh," I started. "Yeah?"

Luke rolled his eyes. "Right. So you do want to help with the Environmental Club fundraiser this weekend?"

I frowned. "I—what?"

"You're literally the worst," he groaned. "I just said i may need some help with the fundraiser and I don't wanna do it alone. You down or not?"

I hesitated. I already had plans. Carl and I were supposed to go to this indie record store he liked, but we hadn't exactly told anyone about it.

Before I could answer, Carl cut in from his spot across the lunch table. "You can't. We already made plans."

My stomach tensed.

Luke raised an eyebrow. "Oh, yeah? What are you two doing?"

I opened my mouth, but Carl beat me to it. "Just hanging out," he said easily, picking at the sandwich on his tray.

Luke seemed satisfied with that answer, but I wasn't. My fingers curled around my drink, squeezing a little too hard.

It was a small thing, really. Carl saying it so casually. Not acting like it was a big deal. But my heart was still racing because all I could think about was what would have happened if Luke had asked me that question first.

Would I have said the same thing? Or would I have made up some excuse again?

I hated that I wasn't sure.

Later, after school, Carl and I ended up sitting in my car in the parking lot, neither of us in a hurry to leave.

"Thanks for earlier," I said finally.

Carl gave me a look. "For what?"

"For just... handling that. With Luke."

Carl tilted his head against the seat, watching me. "You were gonna lie again, weren't you?"

I hesitated. "Not lie, just—"

"Alan." His voice was soft but firm.

I sighed, gripping the steering wheel. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Nothing's wrong with you," he said immediately.

I shook my head. "I want this, Carl. I do. But sometimes, it just—it scares me."

Carl was quiet for a moment, then said, "It scares me too. But we don't have to tell people for this to be real."

I swallowed hard. "I know."

"Then just... be real with me."

I turned to look at him, his expression open and patient. And suddenly, I felt ridiculous. I was so afraid of what other people would think, but Carl was the one I actually cared about.

I exhaled. "Okay."

Carl gave me a small, knowing smile. "Okay."