Love Can Be Hard

Chapter 5

The following day Les and I were sitting on the couch once more when he received a text. Before he could reply to the first he got another. He ended up getting one from each of the guys. I had to laugh at his face, he was a bit frustrated. Kissing him I asked what was up. "The guys want me to go out tonight." I couldn't see anything wrong with that. "So? What's wrong with that hun?" He visibly sighed. "They all said "and no girlfriend this time Lester" that's what." 

I was kind of shocked, but then the guys were used to being able to do this. "Hun you always go on guys nights with them before, it's no big deal. I can certainly find something to do while you're gone." He sighed again. "I don't like leaving you hun. I'll miss you too much." That's when I had to laugh at him. "Since when have you missed me since I got here? I've almost been stuck up your butt since." He laughed with me then. "YES hun I guess you're right, the guys really want it just to be us tonight so I shall go." I kissed him.

That's when I made my decision to go over to Xander's house for that night. I hadn't spent much time over there and I had remembered promising Pie I would hang out with her one night while I was here. "Maybe I shall text Xander to have him ask Pie if she's doing anything tonight. I promised her some girl time and I haven't done it yet." Les thought that was a great idea so I texted Xander and asked him.

When he texted me back it was to agree with me about spending some girl time with Pie while him and the guys took Les out for guy bonding. A few minutes later he texted again to say that Pie thought it was an awesome idea. She couldn't wait.

Later that afternoon Les drove us both over to Xander's house. He figured it would be easier if we were there then we all wouldn't have to do much driving around. I had to laugh at him, I mean he drove here and his house isn't that far away we could have walked. I reminded him that he still owed me a walk some time and I saw the big grin on his face as he agreed that we shall do that very thing tomorrow.

I spent that evening with Pie talking about teenage girl things. Les and Xander would have laughed at me had they seen her put makeup on me and do my hair. SHHHH. Don't tell them about that part. It shall remain a secret. Music was another topic that came up. And at some point little Han found her way into the bedroom with us and she curled up in my lap to fall asleep. Sweet little girl. It made me actually miss my friend's kids back home, the ones I babysit every night.

When Pie finally fell asleep I found that I couldn't sleep ....rolling my eyes at myself. I decided to text Les and find out how his night was going. Next thing I know I'm getting a text from Xander about how I should leave my boyfriend alone for an evening and let him do his thing. I began to wonder what the hell that was all about. I let it go even though my head was steaming with horrible thoughts. I knew Les wasn't like that, even a little bit....but an old part of me that was insecure still thought about it.

I walked into Les' bedroom at Xander's house and plopped myself face first down on the bed. Not really knowing why I began to cry. At that moment something I hadn't felt since arriving here crashed down on me hardcore, my depression. I once more felt like I didn't belong here. It was all I could do not to start packing my bags and call the airline to book an emediate flight out of Chicago that night. I completely blame Xander for this. He put the bad thoughts into me by telling me that one thing.

It was then that a thought accured to me, the pain would go away if I cut myself. It always did, my alter ego pushed at me. Yes, I had made a promise to Les a while ago that I wouldn't do that and hurt myself anymore. But the pain that night was so intense that it brought back the good feelings that cutting gave me. I decided to sneak down to the kitchen and see if anyone was around. Maybe just maybe if I was lucky enough I could sneak back up here with a knife and no one would know it. It didn't occur to me that it would show as missing tomorrow. That's not my thought right then, it was only to cut myself anyway that I could to relieve some of the pain.