Case by Case Love ✔️

Chapter 83: "What do you want me to do?"

"I don't know what to do...."

They stood there for what seemed like several minutes just staring at each other, both running words they had just spoken to each other repeatedly over in their heads. Jay repeating the words of the document in his own mind, as well. Neither wanted to move or have a question for the other because they were unsure if it would do more harm than good.

"What do you want me to do?" Erin finally breaks the silence that had come over the room. "What do you want me to say, Jay?" She takes a deep breath, debating whether she should say something else right now. She feared the next words she spoke would be their last. "Tell me what you want me to do. I try to share sympathy for you and understand what you went through. I try to be there for you in ways that I know how, but yet you push me away." 

"I don't know," Jay says quietly as he walks over to the fridge, grabbing a beer and pulling it out. He pops the top off, taking a long mouthful as he leans back against the counter. His mind was flooded with too many thoughts right now. He was thinking about their relationship. He was thinking about the papers he had just signed. He was thinking about everything that happened with the case - the mistakes, every step that led to the confrontation on the roof. Could he had handled everything differently? "I don't know what to do right now...." 

It was back to silence as she stood there watching him intently, trying to read through what he was not saying to her right now. What lied beneath those eyes? What was he thinking about? What was the magic ticket to making everything okay? Why was this so difficult? 

"There's just been a lot going on right now that...." His voice trails off, as he does not know if he can even finish the thought he is having right now. He was the pillar of strength. He did not show weakness. Could he potentially break down right now? "It's been a whirlwind since we got back together. It seems that we have not stopped with something happening at every turn we cross. We went through hell with Alex, I got blown up, we got drugged, and now I almost had everything I know stripped away from me. I've given up this badge once by choice. I don't know if I can survive doing that again." 

"Jay, don't let whatever they had to say to you today at the board get into your head," Erin starts, having an idea where this was coming from. She knew any visit with the Ivory Tower, whether in their offices or a court room, was not done smoothly. There were always things said that left you wondering about not only your job, but yourself as a person. They questioned everything, in hopes of finding what they wanted. Jay was normally good at deflecting at, but had they managed to find a crack in the armour? "You are a great detective and you do a great job protecting Chicago. You have saved so many lives, and caught so many criminals over the years by doing a great job." 

"I know..." There was not one bit of him that questioned whether this was worth it. Being able to lock every one of those assholes behind bars made it worth it. Being able to help someone each time made it worth it. "I know that I am good at my job and can do my job at the top level. There is nothing that will damn well ever change that for me, badge or no badge. But sometimes, I let my feelings get the best of me. The pain that you caused me when you left me resulted in me doing a lot of dumb shit that I regret. I slept with a drug runner and fell into her whole world in an affect to escape everything I was going through. That's the opposite of who I am. I can't do that again..." 

"That's not going to happen this time, Jay. We both have learned from what happened, and I promise you that no matter what happens, I am not leaving you this time..." He wanted to believe those words. He wanted to know they meant something. He wanted to reach out, hold her close, and let those words be the facts. He knew they loved and cared about each other - almost too much.

"How do I know that for sure? How do I know that something is not going to change that? We made that promise to each other before and you broke it for your mother of all people." She was admittedly taken back by the comment and tone towards Bunny, but understood it. Let's face it - Hank was right. Bunny was bad news and she should've escaped that a long time ago.

"It was complicated, if you remember...." She then takes a deep breath, thinking back to that series of events. "But you're right as I should've answered your phone call, gave you a full explanation and reasoning for what I did. I should've allowed you to say goodbye before I left town. But I could not bring myself to it because I don't think I could've said those words to you, Jay. I loved and cared for you so much that saying it would've made it more real. I would've had to face my feelings, and I couldn't do that, so I did what I do best and ran." 

"What you do best and ra-" She then closes the gap between them, placing a finger on his lips before he can finish the thought.

"We both know that I always ran from my problems, until I met you and you helped me through and faced them. You were my rock and made me a much better person for everything that you helped me with." She then takes a deep breath. "Jay, I am a better person because you are in my life. I can only be the best person that I can be with you by my side. I can only make it through what is thrown my way when I have someone like you by my side. I can't take losing that again. It's why I promise you, no matter what case or happenings come our way, I will not leave your side."