Reasons To Try |Completed|

Chapter 15

A/N This chapter contains themes that may become a trigger toward particular audiences. If you have issues with self harm, I recommend avoiding parts of this chapter. I will give a visual warning (and asterisk[*]) before continuing. Readers be warned.

I had been talking to a friend from work, Evelyn Stoker. She's only 2 years older than me and we are frequently featured in photoshoots together because of our apparently perfectly blending skin tones. Ian told me the first step to showing Matt and Josh that I was ready to move on was to get a new guy. I had no idea who else to talk to about guys besides Evelyn since she knows basically every guy in the world.
"There's Tommy from England." She told me, becoming aggravated that I turned down every guy she had suggested. I shook my head no. "Okay, you had one direction in your house. Why didn't you just go for one of them?"
I sighed. "Because I wasn't ready yet. Besides, they're probably not even interested in girls who have kids. Plus my kids have a crush on half the members and that's just weird." I explained.
Evelyn chuckled. "Okay, how 'bout Toshio from Tokyo? He's blonde, has brown eyes and isn't famous at all. He's perfect!" She told me excitedly.
I shook my head. "Let's go for someone in the country." I responded.
Evelyn thought for a few seconds before snapping her fingers happily. "I've got the perfect guy for you! He used to be a hairstylist until his friend invited him to work at his company. Now he's the CEO of FunHouse Industries." She explained. I was intrigued and nodded for her to keep going. "He has two kids, a boy and a girl and they are sweethearts. He lives in Toronto but comes here all the time when he visits me to do my hair. His name is Brandon Stoker."
I thought for a second. "He's your brother, isn't he?" I asked. They have the same last name so they must be related somehow.
Evelyn chuckled. "Third cousin actually. That doesn't change how amazing he is though!" She reminded me. "So, do you want me to talk to him or not?" She asked curiously.
Well, it can't go any worse than my last two relationships so what the hell? I'll give him a shot. "I would. Thank you very much." I responded coolly.
*+*+*+* Two Days Later *+*+*+*
My hair was done nicely and I had a beautiful black dress on with matching black and gold heels. I looked great but I felt nervous. I haven't had to worry about impressing someone on a date since the first date I had with Josh. Even my dates with Matt were easy since I already knew him really well. I have no idea who this Brandon guy is though and I don't know if he will like me enough for a second date.
I walked downstairs and Ian was standing in the kitchen with the girls while they ate dinner. He saw me and smiled. "Alex, you look beautiful!" He cooed at me.
The girls turned around to look at me and they both gasped. "You do look beautiful mommy!" Maddy told me.
Cassy frowned suddenly. "Why can't we come with you to meet your new friend mama?" She asked sadly. She's been having a bit of trouble sharing me and lately I've been so all over the place so they haven't had as much time with me as they'd like. I feel bad but I'm trying to make things better, they're just too young to understand.
I sighed. "Cassy, we've been through this already. Once I hang out with my friend a few times, then you can come with me. But for now, you and Maddy are gonna stay with uncle Ian for a couple hours and have loads of fun." I explained. She wasn't thrilled with my answer and still frowned. "Cass, don't be upset. I'll tell you about it when I come back okay?" I tried to sweeten the deal.
Cassy and Maddy both suddenly cheered up and nodded their heads. They gave me a hug and kiss just as I heard the doorbell ring. My heart started racing and I began having second thoughts about going out. I guess Ian could see it and he came over, gave me a huge hug and then went to answer the door. Of course my heart was pounding halfway out of my chest when Ian called my name. I waited a few seconds before coming to the door to greet Mr. Brandon Stoker, the man I may end up dating.
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Brandon and I pulled up to a restaurant, La Rosa Negra. Great! That's where Matt used to take me all the time! Now I'm just gonna be thinking about Matthew the whole time.
"Eve told me you like Spanish food. I hope you actually do cause it was a total bitch to get a reservation here." Brandon told me.
I looked up at him. "I do but-"
"Of course there's someone wrong with it though! Let's here it then!" He interrupted me.
I frowned at his sudden tiny flip out. "Does going out with me tonight inconvenience you? I can just go home and you can go back to doing whatever it is that you do on a regular Thursday night!" I took control of the situation quickly.
Brandon gave me an angry look. "Look, I have a life and I only agreed to going out tonight because Evelyn is my favorite cousin and she kept going on about setting me up with some pitiful girl who has a lame life. Of course, the only reason I actually agreed to it is because she said you are a model. So if nothing is gonna happen between us tonight then tell me now so I can leave and save about a hundred bucks."
I wanted to punch this guy in the face for the way he was treating me! Coincidentally, I also wanted to punch Evelyn since she said he was actually a human being. This guy isn't human though. He's emotionless and careless and doesn't think about anything he says. Honestly, he's rather disgusting!
"If you even had the slightest chance of anything happening, you've screwed that up! You are rude, egotistical, cynical and crass and I would never think about dating someone like you for even two seconds. So, no, nothing is gonna happen between us!" I yelled at him.
He chuckled like what I said was the funniest thing in the world. "Get in the car and I'll take you home." He practically ordered me.
I didn't wanna make this baboon any angrier but I wasn't chancing him being a secret murderer. He already showed he isn't interested in me so what's the point in making things worse? Besides, I knew where I was and I wasn't far from home, maybe a fifteen minute walk.
I shook my head a started walking away. "Suit yourself, Princess. I won't beg you to go with me." He said before getting into his car and speeding off down the road.
I seriously can't even believe this guy. He's a terrible person, leaving a girl alone like that. Dodged a bullet with that guy I guess. Glad I never introduced him to anyone in the family.
Feeling even more beaten down and weaker than I had felt I'm my entire life, I began walking home on my own. I fought the erg to cry since I had done so much crying the last week. Surprisingly, I'm actually quite good at holding back my tears. It's not something I'm proud of, it's just convenient at the moment. Though I'm quickly beginning to think I'm not meant to be happy anymore. I had my shot at happiness twice and I let it go. Now I've just been completely shot down by a total stranger. Maybe I should just give up and stick to the kids for the next ten years. By then they'll be sixteen and probably hate me too!
I finally made my way to my house, wanting to go in and curl into a ball and hide away forever. A lot has happened to me in the last few weeks, too much to handle I think. I'm trying so hard not to go back to my old ways of dealing with my pain but it seems like my only option lately.
Nobody was home, Ian probably took the girls out somewhere. Good. They are the last two people I want to see right now. They just confirm how much of a failure I really am.
I grabbed out my phone and texted Ian, asking where he took my girls. He called back a moment later. "I took them out to the carnival. Sorry I have them out so late, I can bring them back now."
"No, it's fine. Let them enjoy themselves." I responded quickly.
Ian told the girls to sit at a bench and then he started talking again. "I guess your date didn't go so well?" He asked curiously.
I chuckled. "Wouldn't be home already if it did." I felt bitter toward the whole thing. "Anyway, I just wanted to make sure the girls were okay."
Ian gave a small laugh. "Yeah, they're having a great time!" He told me.
For some reason, hearing that made me start to tear up. I got myself together and then continued our conversation. "Ian, tell them I love them. Make sure they know how much I care about them and let them know that whatever happens isn't their fault." I told him. I wiped the tears from my eyes. "And Ian, thank you for being there for me through everything. The first time and this time. Thank you, the girls need someone they trust."
Ian said something to someone and then I heard him walking around. "Lex, are you okay?" He asked me. I hated worrying him but I wanted him to know how much I loved him.
I sighed. "I'm fine, just- everything that's going on, it's a lot to handle. I'm breaking." I admitted.
"You don't sound fine. I'm coming home!" He told me.
"Ian, stay there. I want time to myself. Just hang out with the girls. I'll be fine, okay. Have fun, I love you." Then I hung up before he could say anything else.
I didn't want to hear him right now. He always has everything so worked out and planned perfectly and right now I don't want to hear it. Ian called back so I ignored the call and then turned off my phone so he couldn't reach me.
*READER WARNING*
I went upstairs to my room and sat on my bed, trying to resist what my brain wanted me to do. For a while I just stayed in the same spot, staring at the wall. My thoughts kept pushing through, telling me to do it.
'You're just a weak coward!' The voices told me. 'Just do it, nobody will care if you do. Nobody will even notice what you've done.' I begged the voices to stop but they just got louder. 'You don't matter to anyone, not even that stranger liked you. Just end it all!'
I gave in to the voices and screamed. If my subconscious wanted me to kill myself then that's exactly what I would do. I went to the bathroom and grabbed the razor, pulling out the blade. The steel sliding across my skin was like a euphoria, it gave me a high. Soon I started cutting everywhere just to feel the rush, it felt amazing. Once I started, I knew I wouldn't stop. I would bleed out and die. I was going to finish what I tried to do six years ago and this time it would work!
I took off my dress, sitting on the floor in my bra and underwear. I slid the blade across my forearm and watched the blood trickle down to my hand. The cuts burned and the razor blade splitting my skin stung but it was a pain I welcomed. I deserved it, after all.
I kept cutting, tears streaming down my face as I did so. I finally took the plunge and drove the blade across my left wrist, then my right. This was my way out, my way to end my sadness, my guilt, my envy, my resentment, my fear, and mostly, my pain.
*WARNING END*
My fingers began to feel numb as I started loosing more and more blood. Soon, my whole body began to feel numb. As I sat in the bathtub, bleeding out, I thought about my girls. I remembered the first time Maddy walked, how I was so proud. Or the first time Cassy 'helped' me cook and she was so proud of herself because she was a big girl. Then I went back to their first day of school, how Maddy was excited and Cassy wanted to go to school but she cried when I tried to leave. Those were the memories I wanted to think about right now. I wanted them to be my final thoughts as I slowly left this world.
I could feel myself beginning to fall asleep. Soon I would loose consciousness and then I would be free from the chains that bound me. From the sorrow I've known for so long, that I've dreamt of ending. And now I was. I felt that final feeling of happiness that I wanted as I slowly slipped away into the darkness, closing my eyes and greeting death...